by OMNICELL on Tue Dec 27, 2011 6:20 am
Its always nice to read that Im not alone. That others have the courage to come forward and talk about their inability to deal with the work world.
I have never been present to be in the work world. I was thrown away at an early age. I was traumatized into shock. Im trying to understand what happened to me.
I have a fantasy bond about what has happened to me in this life at several different time points. Under the fantasy bond of trauma is the truth. Possibly if I could experience that truth I could move forward with my life.
The work world has been beyond me as I have never been safe in any work situation. I have been a whore, nothing more. That does not sit well with someone of my traumatic background. However, I was never able to do anything about it as I was to sick mentally.
Its enough that Im still alive. Sometimes I wonder how that is possible. Yet Im still here. Why I don't know..
I am a deep thinking seeking person.. I have never had the ability to think without trauma associated with the outside world. My thinking is very limited in the outside world. That might change when Im willing to put effort into opening my mind about things.. Im scared to open my mind about things. I don't want or need to get ripped apart again...
Suicide is a real problem for me. I have to stay in the middle or I will fall of the edge...
Sometimes it seems that on all edges and the ceiling and the floor and whats in front of me is Evil. And their is no light anywhere. I get overwhelmed.
more and more the answer for me is God. A deeper trust and relationship with God... God at all moments...
I don't have allot of friends. And I don't have any family that really likes me. Ive been hated by them from the beginning..
I have talents. I wont pursue them. Im not sure why. Its the PTSD stuff and fantasy stuff and dissociation stuff that is in the way as usual. I have my work ahead of me. Right now its the simple basic stuff of getting to know myself, working with God to take one task at a time to learn the many various forms of walking again...
Is spiritual walking an expectable occupation. I don't know. For some Im simply not good enough. I should be doing more or doing better. I should have more, or acting like I praise others more.
All I can learn to do is come back to reality then learn the various forms of emotional spiritual walking again. One spiritual leg movement at a time.. That would be a miracle. Just to emotionally feel safe and practice basic functioning again. Their is a whole journey in all of that... A huge life time full of journey. However, God will not require a whole life time to practice what needs to be practiced. I will have to learn to appreciate the struggles and handicaps of the journey...
Lets not forget about judgments from others..
I am judged so severally that no one wants anything to do with me. I don't have to worry about anything more then loneliness. If I could learn to be alone with no one. Things would be a lot better. I have found that I need people around me. They are all so 2 faced that I give up in frustration and lock myself in my apartment to take a break..
I don't appear to have problems to people. I have been described by others that I am aloof, standoffish and antisocial. I wonder why. Im a dissociative person and if I am not safe I walk way, or run away. I hate dealing with 2 faced people that have nothing better to do then waist other peoples time expecting to get worshiped..
I am hated by others. Its an old hate. Not a jealous hate. Its a different deeper hatred. It has something to do with God. That I am right with God. Meaning Im on my knees to him all the time. I can do nothing right in front of God. So instead, Im on my knees to him all the time. This is the right thing that was missing. now its not missing. ITs called a relationship with God.
I am a descent person. A kind person. I care allot about people and what happens to them. I am not appreciated by very many. I pray for people. I have a horrible time getting close to them because of the dissociative disorder.
I havent given up, I just look for new paths within the mountain, that I may get to the forest as fast as possible ..
Last edited by OMNICELL on Wed Dec 28, 2011 12:31 am, edited 1 time in total.
Dissociative Disorder0 Comments Viewed 19092 times
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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