Over the years I have started to accept myself more and more for who I am based on a small part being the fact that I am a Pedophile. I mean for years I hated myself for the things that I did to children and I wanted to end it all but then I realized that wouldn't accomplish anything and that the real challenge was to live my life until I die naturally.

Sure many people on this planet wouldn't care if I ended my life because of two facts...One I am a pedophile and the second being that I am a Child Sex Offender and I was weak and gave into my temptations with children and I couldn't control myself, I gave into those sick evil desires that no adult should ever give into.

When I got out of prison I realized that I will and always will have sexual desires for children and just because I served time for molesting children doesn't mean that my feelings for children will just go away and I knew that life for me would just be as hard for someone that say is addicted to anything in this world like drugs or alcohol who don't end up acting very well when they are around them. Except for what I was and am is far worse than those two things. I see children and I see a potential partner for sex acts and relationship.

I knew that there is no way in hell that I could get back into the patterns that I was in before I went to prison so I avoided all the things that I was heavily into before and not just because it was court ordered for me to stay away from those things, I also stayed away from those things because I knew it wasn't healthy for me if I got back into those patterns. Sometimes I do slip and I will go to a beach where children frequent and its hard to not look and sometimes I have to force myself to leave because I get really aroused by what I see. Othertimes I will go to the bathroom and masturbate and go back and the desires and feelings are not as strong. It may sound bad to do that but its far better doing that than getting weak and doing something with a child that I regret for the rest of my life and plus I do not want to hurt anymore children in my lifetime.

I have stayed away from CP completely and do not even view it nor do I look for pictures of nude children online aymore. All my fantasies and desires are for just children so I have to make up thoughts in my head or elsewhere to achieve ejaculation in my life.

Every day is a challenge but its worth it to stay away from getting into trouble.

I used to get so bent out of shape by the way society treats Pedophiles like myself but then I started to get a strong feelings about who I am and what I will be until the day that they put me 6 feet under and yeah I have done some terrible sex crimes towards young children and I resent that I have done those things but I don't regret that I am a Pedophile anymore because I never choose to be this way but this is the way that I am.

I could say that I am sorry over and over again to my victims but it won't mean anything to them or society unless I am in prison and rotting away in a jail cell for the rest of my life in which sometimes I don't care if that is where I end up being again but I don't want to get there by sexually acting out with a child even though I want to be that way so much but the power that I gave into before I will stay strong and not do that again and I will not act out sexually with children because I know the impact it does to the child and I know the impact it has on that child's family and there future.

I have accepted the fact that I will always be sexually turned on by young children for the rest of my life but I do not consider myself a monster for the rest of my life. When I was active with children I was a complete monster and I was selfish and didn't care about anyone else's feelings but my own and getting off sexually to meet my needs. I was a real asshole and I was a prick. I can't count the victims that I had and I think that is disgusting on my part and wish that I never hurt any of them but I cannot change the past.

Society views all Pedophiles as monsters and the worse of the worse even if you are a Pedophile that has never acted on your desires. My family wanted nothing to do with me after they found out what I did and I never had visitors after I went to prison because my parents came to visit me and they wanted to know if it was true that I was a Pedophile and I told them straight up that I am one and that I will always be one. When therapists and books say that Pedophilia cannot be cured they are right in my opinion.

I mean of course you can suppress those desires and feelings but they will always be with you until the day that you die just like you will always be gay or straight for the rest of your life as well. I know that children will always excite me in ways that don't excite normal adults and I am okay with that. I am not going to feel guilty because society wants me to feel guilty about simply being a Pedophile. I feel guilty for the crimes that I have done and I felt guilty when I was in prison for those sex acts but just because society wants me to be a certain way I am not going to be that way.

My name is Howard (well not really but here it is) and I am an exclusive Pedophile which if you don't know means that I am attracted exclusively to just young children. I have been this way for as long as I can remember. Unlike what people think or say about pedophiles I am not socially retarded and can have normal conversations with adults and get along great with normal adult conversations and relationships. The only way that I am different from majority of society is that I prefer children over adults sexually.

I have served time for my acts against children and I served 10 years in prison for multiple crimes against children, mostly young boys and a few young girls as well. I am not proud of the actions that I had done against children but they did happen and I have learned from them. I am not perfect in any sort of way and I honestly I don't feel like I am a victim either like most professionals say that child molesters are. I have accepted the fact that I am a child sex offender and that I will be hated by people in society for the rest of my life and I accept that.

My sexuality didn't change when I was in prison, I was still attracted to children when I was inside and I am still attracted to children now and maybe more than I was before I went to prison. My parents and my family all know that I am a Pedophile and some have accepted it and some havent because I have hurt some children in my family as well. I honestly feel like I was born this way and I feel guilty for the children that I have hurt sexually but I don't feel guilty about being a pedophile anymore, its just who and what I am.

I struggle every single day in society and sometimes I wish that I was back in prison. I felt like I was pretty lucky in prison because I was put in general pop for the first two years and people found out what I did and I was raped and stabbed and so many other things that is expected when you are someone that is lower than $#%^ in prison. Then the rest of my time I was put in a child sex offender unit where I got some therapy and we had group settings where people would talk about there crimes and get everything out.

The group sessions were very hard for me because when I would hear about what other men did to children I would get extremely aroused about it and found it very erotic. We weren't allowed toi have a cellmate in the unit because they didn't want us sharing our crimes with other sex offenders and masturbating about it even though I masturbated about everything that had to do with children all the time.

I would say that out of all the inmates in that unit that perhaps only 20% were true pedophiles and I was one of 6 that were perhaps exclusive pedophiles. I have never had sexual relations with other adults or my own peers except for being raped while I was in prison when I really didn't have a choice in the matter. Well anyway I will talk more about my experiences in other posts, just wanted to do a basic intro