I have done a lot of thinking and i have come up with a ultimatum.

I have asked myself if i had a mother with a disease or a problem what kind of a problem would i like her to have? A mental one or a physical one? Which one is the most liable for me? Yes know this sounds egoistic but this place isn`t for normal talk.
So i know this person who has a medical liability in her family not her mother but nevertheless a problem.
IF you have read ALL my threads, ALL my blogs in here, then you will understand where i am coming from.

It takes a long time to get a mental disease. It takes a lot of wrongs in your life. And the question is can it be fixed?
Lets say you have a mother in a wheel chair..she gets the help she needs from nurses, medications etc..and she is still "working" its "just" that she is paralysed from the waist down. Having had some experience with a wheel chair user i know they get a lot of help. They have special taxies that drives them around and get the help they need, although they have a lot of obstacles to get around with a lot of hassle. And if you are going on a holiday you need to take in consideration to her needs.
She has probably got some mental disappointment that she is in a wheel chair but she has been that way all her life ( i actually know someone in a wheel chair who got pregnant, think she was in it all her life?)

So if i were to choose between a mentally stable mother who cared for me the way a mother should or a distant mother who might suffer from BPD and have married a very manipulative stepfather, and plus ALL the problems i have mentioned in here. I would have chosen the wheel chair.

I am not hating on people with BPD and not blaming it for all of my problems neither.
Its many things included in here that is not mentioned in here but in my other blogs.
My mother was so indisive because of her problems first of all, she struggle with her family in the early years, but also she struggled with abandonment problems. So i suspect she was afraid of being abandoned by her father because he could seem so careless sometimes (which is explained in a thread).
I think my mother has developed BPD ever since her childhood.

My grandpa was a little out of the ordinary.

And then she got a dominating/manipulating husband on top of that, which made her abandon me.


It really sucks not being able to say that you love your parents. It sucks because people might hold it against you like one of my ex`s did to me once. He said that people in their country who defied their parents would be cut up in 1000 pieces in the olden days. No really its true!
He understood that i had a problem with my parents even if i didn`t talk about it.
Guess he didn`t know how to respond to it so he just told me that story instead.
Even if i have never seen anyone been cut up in 1000 pieces, i have gotten some argumentative responses from people who somehow knew i had problems with my mother, but didn`t know what exactly those problems were. (Mostly elder people).
I once read a book that was called "how to raise a child from A-Z.. Hahaha the irony....what a great title...know where i found that book? In my parents bookshelf.
Yes i was working with children when i was younger and stumbled upon it.
For some reason i ended up on the letter "J" and on the page that handled "jealousy".

Don`t know if they have changed what it stood there since then? But back then it said that sibling rivalry often accumulated into jealousy. Then it said " sisters don`t automatically love each other" WHAT!???
I remember i was a big question mark when i read that. How could such a good and well written book write something like that?
They don`t love each other?
Really?
I thought all siblings loved each other
NOPE! There is was in black and white, just because they are in the same family doesn`t always mean that they love each other. So i guess it was a nudge for parents to make them get along with each other.
Well same thing goes for parents/child relationship you also have to work on love there. If you behave a way that makes them dislike you, or do something that you know will make them hate you, then you are going to be another line in that book.

My stepfather used to come with small hints to my mother, he would say "your kids are going to hate you". He was really preparing her for the break up between her and her older children from the first marriage.
He never liked his stepchildren. I got another confirmation when the psychologist who worked with a paedophile who tried to kidnap and murder me was working in the same hospital that my stepfather was before he came to Norway. Feelings that he has hidden for so many years convincing himself that he is a good con artist. Taking out his aggression on his stepchildren one piece at a time.
With his hostile behaviour.
Signs that only i could see and nobody else.
Once he threaten to punch me and i said "go right ahead" thinking inside my head that i would go to the police straight away. He knew what i was thinking so he stopped. My mother just accepted it with no arguments, no conflict solving, NOTHING. You would think that she would protect her child.
And like always he found a clever way of pinning it on me or his work.
Question is: Does my mother remember my grandfathers rejection? Or is my stepfather just a big d**k?
Answer is that i think my grandfather lead my mother into that relationship, and then she stayed because when she realized how disturbed she was it was too late to turn around. She had already had 5 children, (2 with my stepfather), and she had an attachment and a need in my stepfather she had never felt.
I think its because "K" needs all the attention.
Maybe my grandfather lowered his guard a bit when my mother was in her first marriage and after she had 3 children there? But ultimately i think "K"(my stepfather) stands for most of the pushing.

"K" would come with some hair raising remarks. He was arguing with my older sister when he threatened her and said that he would make sure that no doctor would ever treat her in our town. He threw her out when she was under 18 which is illegal since you are still regarded as a child until 18.
If my mother had a longer talk with any of his stepchildren, he would interrupt whenever he felt like she had "done" enough. She was never allowed to have too much to do with his stepchildren.
She wasn`t allowed to get too involved.
I have the impression that he was protecting her because in her statement at that time she was raped by my real father and there for should not have so much responsibility for her unwanted children.
It was later proven that it was a misunderstanding/a mishap/ but also that she was very disturbed at that time... I can understand that my father took advantage of her, but she was in on it.
When she realized how disturbed she was it was too late to turn so she kept up with the distance thing to her children, and "K" never went deeper into it in "public" because he didn`t want to cause a conflict with her.
He knew if he agreed with what she said-you see he knew he sort of was judged a little bit for his behaviour to his stepchildren. Especially when my older sister moved in with us. But even then my mother did NOTHING.
She always back "K" up, never her own children.

If they behaved inappropriately they would always find an excuse to why they did so.
And my mother having so many children seemed to be a good excuse for why she didn`t have any time for her first children. Then she said that her first children were so old compared to her youngest once whom she had gotten with "K". Despite that we were all still very young children or teenagers.
Sometimes it isn`t what has been said but what has been done that hurts the most.

A body language, like turning your back on someone which he did once to me, when i didn`t know why?
But i know why today.
And then he also made my younger half sister and my mother do the same. So clearly he got it his way al the time without my mother ever standing in the way for him.








Parents are the most protruding people you will ever have in your life.

When they choose to turn their backs on their children so that they can satisfy their own life, they are making an even bigger mistake then their parents did.

My grandpa only partly abandoned my mother. He was there for the rest. I can understand that she was confused in her first marriage, but i can`t accept that she made her problems mine in the way that she did in her second marriage. Nor can i accept how betraying she was. She was making out as if her first marriage was so difficult that she couldn`t even talk to my father after the divorce about child raising etc. They hadn`t talked to each other for 30 years. When in fact my mother was the one with problems in her marriage to him. I can admit that my father was a bit fast on the trigger the first night, but i think that is a more natural way of being then how my mother was for 10 years. She lied and betrayed him for 10 years if we are to believe her version of the story.

So this is what she has told me...for 30 years no contact and apparently this is the reason why:
My father invited her into a tent and there he laid on top of her so she got pregnant. In those days (the sixties) she had to get married to him because she was pregnant, and so she just kept on going after that. WHAT A TROOPER!!!

Now the first version was that they were too young but then she went and changed it later. Why would she change her mind??? Doesn`t that seem a little unstable?
Well here is the second version:
They were young 17 years old.
My father invited my mother into a tent probably hoping that she would realize what that actually meant?
Maybe they had been flirting before that happened i sort of assume that they had, and so my father was all work up when she said yes to go into the tent.
My mother was raised by a father who had sex with his cousin when they were i think in their early twenties. He made her pregnant, they gave the child up for adoption probably because they were caught and told to do so. Two years later he makes my grandmother pregnant and marries her.
It slowly dawns on him how close that relationship with his cousin really was and how tabu it is. So he struggles with those feelings his whole life making him disturbed in his relationship to his daughters.
They don`t know about his affair with his cousin. He is distant when it comes to questions about sex from his daughters. So my mother don`t know anything about sex before my father does it to her. She has been in the unknown and confused by an even more confused father.
My mother has 3 children with my father, maybe my grandfather loosened up a bit and thought about telling her the truth at that time? Seeing as she looked so settle in with my father. But then he didn`t maybe he gave my mother weird signals? I am quite sure he did. Sometimes i felt as if my grandfather wished he had been closer (not physical but mentally) to me. Like as if he was sad when i was younger because he couldn`t tell me the truth.
My mother has been sending signals my whole life.
My grandfather decides to come out of the closet about 25 years ago, to my mother, but i learned of it when he was over 90 years.
I know this because her behaviour changed. I knew my mother well, i used to be like her left arm at home because she had back problems and "K" always looked for ways to ease her work so i was used a lot to help my mother.
"K" i know it was my father who supposedly had raped my mother inside a tent because i overheard a conversation "K" and my mother had in the kitchen(in fact i was standing right next to them). "K" said "B(my father)" raped you! " My mother made some nod or something then "K" said: "wasn`t there an alcoholic in his family?" I know it sounds a bit "cut" up its a conversation they had many years ago when i was about ay..perhaps 10 years old or a little younger? It was like i wasn`t even there.
"K" would make my mother wear a t-shirt where it said "draw your own lines" and there was a woman standing in a sand circle that she was drawing with a stick around herself.
My mother needs this rape to be true so that she has a legitimate reason inside herself for why she left him, and so that she can justify why she is treating her children from that marriage like they are $#%^.
She clings onto that explanation without giving any good reasons as to why she didn`t say anything? Why she got married? Why she had more children with him? Why she went into the tent? Why she stayed for a decade?
All those questions went unanswered when she ran away with our neighbour "K".
I have a feeling that she wanted that intercourse to happen but it was a little bit confused in her mind. Like unconsciously she wanted to but not consciously? I have a feeling that she really was leading him on and giving him signals. She said "no" inside of herself, as if he is going to read her mind!?
You wouldn`t go inside a tent with a 17 year old boy to look at his stamp collection.
I have been criticised for so many things by my stepfather and her(since she always took his side), so i bare no guilt and have no problems in hating my parents...
Once "K" got into a frenzy because i was sitting on a coach with a pillow lying on my stomach. He said "don`t sit like that!". Then he would scuff me away with a "GET OUT!" if i was watching the television when he wanted to watch it.
No polite question just get out!.
I have lived in the place where he comes from, and i know to some extent that this is the way they talk to the youngsters there(he is a foreigner). Thing is its not how we talk to youngsters here and i wasn`t his real daughter. Once he pretended to be my real father when i had friend over to visit to me. I am not sure if anybody in my school knew that he wasn`t my real father because i had his sir name, i never saw my real father (except for one time in that whole period when i was in school from i was 7-16). That one time i only saw a few hours.
He would never allow me to talk about my father. I once asked about my father in the car while my mother was driving. My mother got angry and yelled at me for the first time. I was about 4 years. After that time i never asked about my father any more. My older brother who has more memories about the first marriage, told me that my father was away a lot so my mother got annoyed about that and they would argue. He was away in his job where he would sometimes have night shifts and holiday shifts. Then he was away when he was fixing the boat that he owned.
Other then that he hasn`t mentioned any conflicts between them. Obviously my mother insulted my father by being unfaithful with someone he regarded as his friend. In fact my father was the one who introduced "K" for my mother. So he must have had some head bashing moments with the door after that happened.
If i talked with my father on the phone after the divorce "K" would go silent and act as if i was a betrayer. As if i was betraying him.
My mother didn`t have a single picture of my father in my house and neither did i have.
Is that a way to treat a man you have had sex with for 10 years?
My older sister and brother lived with my father.
My older sister moved in with us when she was a teenager because she had some problems with her step mother.
My father had gotten a child with my stepmother.
Then my stepfather would argue with my older sister, but by this time my father was more loyal to his new wife then to his old daughter and me he had abandoned/given up on a long time before, he didn`t have anything to do with my mother or her new husband, so we were left for our selves.
I took my sisters side because i didn`t think "K" was good to her, and because she was my real sister. "K" had already dis honed me for something a long time ago and thus proven how ill loyal he was to me.
We didn`t get any help from other family members. My grandfather tried to come with some tiny remarks about how my living conditions were by asking "isn`t that room up there to small for her?".
Other then little remarks that went no where we had no help in our family.
My grandmother used to emphasize how important it was that we were all treated equally. When we were together with her that rule would come alive as she was passing around the exact same chocolate to everybody.
She was the one who said to my father that the wisest give up first when he talked to her about the difficult divorce and his contact with me.
He (my father) came up to my day care once when i was between 4-5 years i hadn`t seen him for about one and a half years and so i was very confused.
It wasn`t right but at the same time i knew him. Weird!?

He said "goodbye" but i didn`t really understand what he meant?(remember i was a child a child doesn`t have those type of future concepts).
So he left with the blond woman who was in his car.
And then i didn`t see him again until i was 8 i think they had just had a child then when i was 8. And then i had a short time of shallow contact with him when i was 15 for a few weeks i actually lived in his house. And then i didn`t see him again until i was 30.
Now i am 39 and i haven`t seen him for 9 years.
With all the doubt my stepfather and mother has put in me about him, i am not afraid of him, never have been. But there was always doubt.


Well those are the main topics, the more detailed events are several, too many to be counted in here. And then if we count all the times my stepfather was bad to me we have double that amount.

So i have taken some s*it from my family to put it that way.

Much more then i think any child should take.


So that`s why i choose the wheel chair, even if my mother couldn`t walk any where, she could talk, laugh and care. Which in the end is more important then a body able mother who can`t even hug her children even if they are standing right next to her.