Healed from pedophilia, sadism, masochism, rape fantasies, violent sexual thoughts in general

Now trying to live a healthy, spiritual life, seeing sex and sexuality in a healthy way

Peace
Joe

Charles Baudelaire, a great source of inspiration for me, wrote this (this is an English translation I found).
One of the most beautiful poems of all time, in my opinion. It represents anguish, inner torment, loss of hope. Everything is described with a heavy use of symbolism and dark imagery, something typical of the Symbolist movement (French variant of the English Decadent movement and the Italian Decadentismo), something so typical of Charles Baudelaire and his "Les fleurs du mal" (The Flowers of Evil). Spleen was a state of mind, something like depression.

Spleen

"When the low, heavy sky weighs like a lid
On the groaning spirit, victim of long ennui,
And from the all-encircling horizon
Spreads over us a day gloomier than the night;
When the earth is changed into a humid dungeon,
In which Hope like a bat
Goes beating the walls with her timid wings
And knocking her head against the rotten ceiling;
When the rain stretching out its endless train
Imitates the bars of a vast prison
And a silent horde of loathsome spiders
Comes to spin their webs in the depths of our brains,
All at once the bells leap with rage
And hurl a frightful roar at heaven,
Even as wandering spirits with no country
Burst into a stubborn, whimpering cry.
— And without drums or music, long hearses
Pass by slowly in my soul; Hope, vanquished,
Weeps, and atrocious, despotic Anguish
On my bowed skull plants her black flag."

If you're familiar with my posts, if you know me, you probably also know that I have a blood fetish, which is sexual in nature.
But that's not the only reason why I'm drawn to blood.
The other reason is that....I feel the need to [i]consume[/i] human blood, and this aspect of me is not sexual. So, there are two sides of the same coin: the coin is blood, and one side deals with the sexual part, while the other side deals with the need to consume blood which has nothing to do with sex, although the two sides could both be present with specific people. I will talk about all of that in this post, in the form of a FAQ post.

[b]So, are you a vampire? What does the term vampire represent to you?[/b]
I reject this label. I used to call myself that, but now I reject this word. The reason why I reject it is because I really don't want to be misunderstood. People tend to think of vampires as fictional characters. And they are. Saying "I'm a vampire" people could misunderstand and think I'm convinced of being Count Dracula or Nosferatu, or even worse, Edward Cullen. Or they might think I'm being psychotic. So, I try to avoid that term for this very reason. But the term "vampire" could also be used to refer to the Vampire subculture, which just happens to be an offshoot of the Goth subculture, and I don't belong to the Vampire subculture, and I honestly wouldn't like to.

[b]What do you think of the Vampire subculture?[/b]
Generally, I don't have positive opinions on most of those people. Why? Well, first of all, it seems like most of them just do it as a "cultural thing", or just for fun or just because it's "dark". I doubt they actually feel the [i]need[/i] to consume blood. And when they use fake fangs, dress in black and all that stuff, they kinda distort everything and look fake. I mean, that's cool they way they dress, their imagery and all, but it's not what being a true blood consumer is about.

[b]So, what is the term that you prefer?[/b]
Sanguinarian, or simply blood consumer, blood drinker. Vampire could be ok, but it's often misleading and sounds fictional.

[b]Why do you feel the need to consume blood? Do you feel this need all the time?[/b]
I don't know the exact reason why I like blood and feel the "thirst". I call it "the thirst", that's the sudden need to drink blood. It usually happens all of a sudden and can vary in intensity. I don't feel the need to consume blood all the time. I can go for months without feeling this need. That's when it's "dormant". It's still there, but it doesn't openly manifest.
I can't find a scientific explanation to why I need this. I doubt it's merely psychological, I'm sure there is a physical reason too, like a combination of both. It is not psychotic, I'm not mentally ill, I just sound, look and act perfectly normal.
I'm pretty sure it's some kind of medical condition, a birth condition that manifests during your life, but the causes and where this all comes from are still unknown.

[b]When did you find out you need to consume blood?[/b]
I was 16. I don't remember details, but I just remember I started to feel this urge, and also started to get health problems: an increased sensitivity to the sun and sunlight (photosensitivity), but also to bright lights and bright colors. I started to feel worse than usual when in the sunlight. When these symptoms show for the first time, especially the urge to drink blood, this is called "awakening". It's when you realize what's going on. It simply means symptoms start to manifest, often suddenly and violently, usually during adolescence. This is when the urge to drink blood can be very bad and when it's hard to control yourself. But self-control can be learned and it will lead to a very normal life.
The sight of both fake and real blood made me figure out something was going on, and it was also thanks to two music videos. I was so obsessed with a certain bloody scene...that was...

[ Continued ]

I can see myself tucked in and fast asleep
Looking all peaceful but in my dreams I weep
From far up I'm looking down upon myself
And I wonder who it is that's lying there

I feel like in a world all beside myself
Afraid I won't wake up with no one there to care

I know someone used to watch me in my sleep
But some things seem just impossible to keep
I fight hard to bring it back into my mind
But to no use, it all seems to be a blank

I wonder what it was that had me defined
But one thing I know, I have myself to thank

I feel like I have amnesia
But I know it's myself I've lost
I wonder what's happened so far
And what might have been the cost

I'm not sure I want to know
Any of the things I've done
I don't know yet where to go
But I'll accept my past is gone

I feel like I have amnesia
And I've missed the heavenly host
I'm surprised I've come this far
Living without what I need most

I don't think I can go back
To the things that were before
Though I'm now always wearing black
I don't bemoan my life of yore

I wake up and feel like I should be at home
But I do not know this, it's not where I belong
My head is dazed and my mind is all confused
And I'm not quite sure that I'm really there

But the mirror shows me looking out, bemused
Into a blank place that could be anywhere

I feel like I have been left out in the cold
And it hurts to know that this is all my fault
I leave this place to find familiar ground
But the whole world seems to have been rearranged

Now my former self is nowhere to be found
And I know that it's myself that's changed

(Mind.in.a.box - Amnesia)

This world is driving me crazy because I am awake. I can see what goes on behind the scenes. I have started to see through the veil.

The medias brainwash us all, without caring about our lives. The system wants to minimize our capability to rebel, undermining our intelligence, boycotting the only tool we can use to stand against this evil system: knowledge. They are taking culture away from us. What TV promotes nowadays is violence, hate, sex, money, promiscuity, blindness, lies. They constantly sell lies to us.

This is why we all need to wake up and fight this system.
I will use quotes from the movie "The Matrix":

"Morpheus: I imagine that right now, you're feeling a bit like Alice. Hmm? Tumbling down the rabbit hole?
Neo: You could say that.
Morpheus: I see it in your eyes. You have the look of a man who accepts what he sees because he is expecting to wake up. Ironically, that's not far from the truth. Do you believe in fate, Neo?
Neo: No.
Morpheus: Why not?
Neo: Because I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my life.
Morpheus: I know exactly what you mean. Let me tell you why you're here. You're here because you know something. What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know what I'm talking about?
Neo: The Matrix.
Morpheus: Do you want to know what it is?
Neo: Yes.
Morpheus: The Matrix is everywhere. It is all around us. Even now, in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work... when you go to church... when you pay your taxes. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.
Neo: What truth?
Morpheus: That you are a slave, Neo. Like everyone else you were born into bondage. Into a prison that you cannot taste or see or touch. A prison for your mind."
____________________________________________________________________________________
An amazing scene from the movie The Matrix, an amazing message brought to us all by a movie that's not just a simple movie, but represents what many philosophists and scientists told us.
This movie represents most of my beliefs about the world, that we are living a wrong life, that we're all slaves to a system which works hard to prevent us from looking beyond the veil, the veil of Maya, the big "illusion". Hinduism first, philosopher Schopehnhauer later got it right. "The World as Will and Representation", that's the name of his very well known work. Reality as our own representation.
The world as we know it is just a dream.

We all have the power to pierce the veil and see beyond it. We all are able to see past the phenomenon and look right into noumenon, the "essence" of things. Is there a limit to reason? Not exactly. Human brain has an enormous potential we need to unlock through our entire lives, that's the REAL purpose of earthly life, we need to become Übermenschen (Super-humans, Above-humans) and stand above the asleep masses, the sheep, the blindness and darkness of ignorance and conformity. I already took this big step of my personal path to find the inner light and knowledge.
Then, we will become one again with the Universe, with our primordial creator, with the essence of things. Death is the ultimate way to totally pierce the veil, something that, when it comes, it saves us from this trap I call "physical world".

This is my personal philosophy. Feel free to admire it or criticize it. Comments appreciated.
__________________________________________
Neo: Why do my eyes hurt?
Morpheus: You've never used them before.
__________________________________________
Morpheus: The Matrix is a system, Neo. That system is our enemy. But when you're inside, you look around, ...

[ Continued ]