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   Tue Jul 24, 2012 10:03 pm

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Care enough just to stick around and see what happens--for now

Permanent Linkby null on Fri Feb 24, 2012 11:24 pm

The only time I care to talk to others is when the anxiety from not having human contact is too much to bear. Living alone I'd probably go insane, I do enjoy the presence of others, just not when their actions involve me. This general feeling varies, and it's percentage involves how anxious I'm feeling. My anxiety hovers around a 6-10 on the daily. But when I can get it to about a 5 or 4, then there is a greater chance I could interact with someone and even have a good time. This combined with my introverted personality can leave me not having a meaningful conversation with someone for weeks. Grunts and sentences less than 3 words is the mode of communication. That'd be fine too, but again if a panic attack were to come on, then the need to relate to someone else or feel the effects of conversation become greater. Derealization is noted throughout this limbo I find myself in and hyper-analyzation does not help either. There are times when I feel completely normal, but it's fleeting and rather brief.

I don't feel the need to get to know others and I don't really want to get to know anyone. I listen to conversation and only hear birds chirping, what they say is meaningless and obvious. It's as if you could take anyone from anywhere and place them in the same situation and they would all be saying the same exact thing. I don't want anyone to put on a show, but everyone seems to operate in regurgitated memes, rather than actual thought. I feel extremely numb, unaffected by emotion, all of my facial expressions seem forced when talking to others, as if I am trying my hardest to show that I am feeling something when they talk. This is not to say that I am a cold heartless bastard. I do care deeply for humanity and some of the people around me, it's just for the most part, there is no emotion on my behalf throughout my day.

It wasn't always like this, nor do I think it will be. I find when I am around people I can relate to in some way, I actually can participate in conversation, make jokes, and feel alright. But as it stands.I seem to be just waiting for this all to end, and when it does, it will be accompanied by a smile.
Last edited by null on Fri Feb 24, 2012 11:34 pm, edited 5 times in total.

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