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End of my rope *TW*

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End of my rope *TW*

Postby Gbclimb » Sat Aug 12, 2017 2:58 am

*TW*

Just a year ago I was running my own company that I built from nothing over 9 years ago when I could barely afford a cup of coffee. I also had the love of my life. Today I lost my lady... shut my company in a panic... and triggered bipolar disorder. I'm alone and unemployed now... foggy all day... cannot feel from mood stabilzers... have no purpose. I can't do the things I love. I am constantly exhausted. I can barely hang up my clothing and am dying from lack of purpose. I was so high functioning that I'm not sure I can spend the next 40 years of my life living without purpose and like this. I'm truly running out of will or reasons to live and have a plan to depart this world soon. I just don't know how others could even possibly do this. I just needed to share as I'm reaching the end of my rope.
Last edited by Ennui on Sat Aug 12, 2017 12:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Potential trigger warning
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Re: End of my rope *TW*

Postby Ennui » Sat Aug 12, 2017 12:22 pm

*TW*

I'm so sorry you find yourself in such a dark place at the minute. I've been in a similar place from my bipolar depression in the past and know how bleak and hopeless it can feel. Considering how you're feeling, and the fact you've expressed plans for suicide, I think it's paramount that you get some urgent help. Do you have a psychiatrist (pdoc) that you can contact for an emergency appointment? If not, remember there's always the option of the ER/Accident and Emergency at your local hospital.

When depressed it can be impossible to see that there's the hope of feeling better, but I've been there in terms of suicidal depression and have come out of the other side again with the right help from a good pdoc. There's every reason to think you can do, too, and once you're stable, you'll be in a much better place to tackle your situation.

Sending lots of hugs, if wanted, and hope this helps somewhat. Stay strong and please reach out for help as soon as possible. If you can, I'd appreciate it if you could reply so we know you're safe.
'Un ennui...' (Mallarmé)

'Perseverance is power' (Japanese proverb)

'All the world's a stage,/And all the men and women merely players'

Diagnoses: Bipolar affective disorder, GAD

Medications: 800mg Tegretol XR, 200mg Seroquel XR, 15mg Zyprexa
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Re: End of my rope *TW*

Postby Gbclimb » Sat Aug 12, 2017 6:09 pm

I'm still here. I have a pdoc appointment tomorrow but overall my outlook for life seems beaten down. Even with meds I dread trying to drag myself into a job and suffer for the rest of my life with this insane illness. I just don't know how people are able to do this for 30 years etc. I remember too clearly when life was amazing and I'm just not sure how to adapt to this hell. The meds I can feel in my brain and it seems almost painful versus a relief. I have mixed episodes so I didn't need meds for a bit until an ssri trigger this horrid anxiety. That led to the bipolar diagnosis and all these meds. Thank you for writing back and caring. I feel very alone and scared I'm not going to make it through the week.
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Re: End of my rope *TW*

Postby Otter » Sat Aug 12, 2017 8:51 pm

Hi Gb - aside from the losing the love of your life (which, I know, is a big part of it) I went through the same thing. I had a successful business, real estate investment, and worked like I was on top of the world. But the effects of BP brought me down. I was boozing and isolating myself and finally, it crashed. Lost the business, was unemployed, sold the real estate investments and generally had no purpose in life. Bottomed out, as they say.

I can't say it happened over night but I started to rebuild. This time with an eye on what was important - me. I stopped boozing, I got on meds, started eating better, changed my career to something I enjoyed but made less, and volunteered - a lot. Work it so you find a routine - AND MAKE SURE YOU WORK TO FIND A WAY TO GET GOOD SLEEP eventually.

One thing I regret was not seeing a therapist. I went through the rebuilding alone and it would have been nice to talk it out on some level.

It sometimes takes a while to find the right med combination.

But everything else I mentioned above was equally (or more) important. Try NOT to build a foundation that is based on external factors, because you can't control those things (career, money, and even love from another person).

All of this takes time and might seem like a mountain of work to you, so, again, take it slow, built these things in small pieces.

After a lot of soul searching and work I can finally call myself me, which can't be defined by anything other than my own character.

Take it a step at a time. Our situations are/were not so different and I made it. You can too.

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Re: End of my rope *TW*

Postby Gbclimb » Mon Aug 21, 2017 1:00 am

Nothing ever changes. All I ever get is crippling depression. It's like I can't feel anything anymore. No way I can do this for an entire life. It's been 7 months. Does this get a little softer at any point. Because doing this my entire life isn't gonna work. Furthermore for 9 years I was the happiest person ever. On point and highly productive. I had two big triggers back to back and I got diagnosed bipolar when this depression started. Is it possible I was hypomanic for 9 years without depression. I never have gone manic... but I get unbearable anxiety the pdoc calls manic panic. I'm running out of gas. On lithium now to control the anxiety. Depression is bad and I'm also grieving a lot of loss on top of what feels like a clinical wicked deep depression. I'm getting tired of this as not very functional in life and just too much pain
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Re: End of my rope *TW*

Postby quietgirl2538 » Mon Aug 21, 2017 1:24 am

Gbclimb wrote:Nothing ever changes. All I ever get is crippling depression. It's like I can't feel anything anymore. No way I can do this for an entire life. It's been 7 months. Does this get a little softer at any point. Because doing this my entire life isn't gonna work. Furthermore for 9 years I was the happiest person ever. On point and highly productive. I had two big triggers back to back and I got diagnosed bipolar when this depression started. Is it possible I was hypomanic for 9 years without depression. I never have gone manic... but I get unbearable anxiety the pdoc calls manic panic. I'm running out of gas. On lithium now to control the anxiety. Depression is bad and I'm also grieving a lot of loss on top of what feels like a clinical wicked deep depression. I'm getting tired of this as not very functional in life and just too much pain


Not feeling anything is something I can relate to in a real way. That was me for so long. I don't wish that on anyone. Can you get a different doctor? You shouldn't have to deal with such crippling depression for so long. Bipolar disorder is treatable with the right meds. Please keep asking questions and asking for more help. I went many years for what seemed like my illness was in remission. But it was there because I eventually became manic again and now I'm not always depressed as in the past, I also get mania and hypomania. I take meds for anxiety and sometimes I need it every day. Keep writing here and venting if you feel the need to and asking questions too. We are here to support you during this difficult time.
“There’s an Asian expression that ‘a burden shared is halved.’"

Dx: Bipolar I
Lamictal 300mg
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Vraylar 4.5 mg
diazepam p.r.n 10 mg twice a day

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Re: End of my rope *TW*

Postby Gbclimb » Mon Aug 21, 2017 3:53 am

I'm heading east to my parents so I will have a new pdoc to talk to. I know adding an antidepressents can be risky but the docs need to do something. I've been flat for 7 months and feel nothing which worsens the depression. I'm just nervous at some point that I'm not gonna believe the sun will ever come out at all and give up this fight. It's getting exhausting being in deep depression for so long. The last pdoc suggested ect but I'm nervous of trying that.
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Re: End of my rope *TW*

Postby quietgirl2538 » Mon Aug 21, 2017 12:16 pm

I take 300mg of Lamictal which is a mood stabilizer and it's for the depression. I used to take lithium which was great for the mood swings and also a mood stabilizer. I now take vraylar which is similar to Abilify, and both are great for me and for my depression and mood swings. It levels me out, and of course don't forget I need the antidepressant WellbutrinXL at 300mg. The only thing I've dropped was the lithium. It was a trial and error thing. The antidepressant took like almost 2 months to start working. I was getting a little desperate and went to see the doctor and eventually it worked. Like magic, I felt well. This is just an example of so much meds I took that ended the depression. I mostly get depression. Occasional mania or hypomania, but mostly depression. There was a time I even added Seroquel in the doses of 25mg, 50mg, and 100mg to help me sleep and it also was good for depression. I'm not sure which class of drug that is, though. I stopped it eventually when I was able to sleep on my own, over a year later. I did what needed to be done. Don't give up, you have your individual combination of meds that is yours to take and get you where you need to be. The way you describe feeling was me at a time when things wouldn't let up. Let your pdoc know so they can "aggressively" treat the bipolar depression. That's how I describe my dpoc treating me. I was even willing to be at the state hospital for months, if necessary, to get well and so I'd not be a danger to myself. Saying and meaning that took guts because I've heard terrible things about the state hospital but I needed to be well. Sending hugs if wanted.
“There’s an Asian expression that ‘a burden shared is halved.’"

Dx: Bipolar I
Lamictal 300mg
Wellbutrin XL 300mg
Vraylar 4.5 mg
diazepam p.r.n 10 mg twice a day

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