Arrested and sectioned.

I have bipolar 1 and I went manic. I ran away with a unmedicated schizophrenic, who has at age 29 spent ten years in prison 5 of which were for a serious gbh charge. He was banned from professional boxing for taking his gloves off and battering a opponent. He encouraged me to take amphetamine. He encouraged me to play a dangerous game of chasing the high. Meaning that when I started on a come down instead of riding the come down and then going to sleep he had me take another dose of amphetamine. I did this for many weeks.

Then one night he was arrested for breaking a mans jaw. I took another dose of amphetamine and hit amphetamine psychosis. When he was arrested and that amphetamine psychosis hit (bearing in mind I was already psychotic) I got in my car drove home as my phone had got lost in the fight I woke my family up at 3 and told them that if they didn't give me money and a phone I would attack them, I had been taught how to fight by the man I ran off with he taught me how to use a clipper lighter in a way that made it a knuckle duster and did serious harm to someone.

My family gave me a phone and I left. I then drove over to his cousins house to find out where this man was being held.

My intention was to lie to the police and get him out of prison. I then started on a come down that was really bad as I had chased the high and I sent a message saying goodbye to my sister (the only person who was still talking to me).

At this point she told my husband what had happened and that I was driving round like a loony tossing between getting him out of prison and killing myself. At about 7 my mother spotted me in the car and called the police. I attempted to out run the police and they eventually had three riot vans box me in.

There were about 8 police officers and I attempted to fight my way out. They arrested me under the mental health act and I was taken to hospital. Physically I had done severe damage to my body by pumping it so full of amphetamine which badly dehydrated you but since that man was arrested I had not drank.

Police decided not to press charges after the psychiatrists report and I was instead sectioned.

Last night they let me out at this point I was racked with guilt and shame I knew I had lost everything I had nothing left. I wasn't ready to face anyone so upon release I intended to check into a hostel.

To my surprise however upon release my mum and sister were waiting for me. They hugged me and took me back to my mums house.

I have never before this broken the law. I now see clearly what I have done and I don't think I'm ever going to be able to face people again.

I am surprised as when I got my phone back it was full of texts from abandoned family and friends asking me to please call or text them. I have put a message up on fb saying im sorry for all the hurt and pain I have caused, sorry I am ignoring phone calls just not ready to speak to anyone yet. However I am happy to answer texts.

I am touched and glad and really feel I don't deserve their support. I am also getting endless nasty messages about how much of a slag I am which I know I deserve.

I can't believe everything I did and I really don't know how to face anyone.

I have text my husband only because they told me in prison and hospital that he called frequently to ask after me.

I sent him a text saying sorry you and the kids are the ones I hurt most and I can't face that yet. I won't say sorry as I know how insignificant that would be.

He text me back suggesting I visit the children while he is in work as that may make it easier,

I have to go to a drug addict group and stay clean, police have told me if they catch me doing amphetamine again they will charge me.

I also spent the time with this man having unprotected sex so now I have to wait and see the outcome of that.
How on earth do I learn to live with what I have done? I can never put this right I am very touched and surprised by the people who still support me.

Yet I am disgusted that at the moment my body craves the amphetamine I am not going to take any though. I was taking 3grams a day which is a lot.

I now hate the man I took up with but I have kept all our photos to remind me of what I did and what taking amphetamine can do. Any time I feel a urge to take amphetamine I look at those pictures and it reminds me of how disgusting I was.

Huge hugs

You know the saying about how you need to hit rock bottom in order for things to improve- perhaps this is your rock bottom? It sounds like you have been through a horrific experience recently and I am very glad you do have some ppl standing by you. Learning how to cope with our behaviour when ill can be very difficult as when things settle it seems so out of character or upsetting to us. The balance between responsibility and not giving yourself a hard time for things out of your control is a tough one. Not easy at all. I think it is going to be a case of leaning heavily on your team and support structure and also taking things one small step at a time. You are not going to be able to address all of this in one go so pick small things to do and do one after another. That is hopefully going to make things less overwhelming for you.

Sending many hugs to you

Cracked

It sounds like your family really loves you. I hope you'll be able to face them. What happened wasn't you, it was your illness and they know that.

Good luck staying clean. x

You have a family and friends who genuinely love you regardless of what you have done.
They accept you as you are.

Even your husband sounds like a gem, suggesting you visit the kids when he is not home.

You are being given a second chance.
Be thankful and go with it.

Take care,

I am trying so hard to get on with things, I am now very depressed and it's soo hard when I spend most of the day depressed and alone. Im not used to being on my own. I also have to struggle with the giving up on drugs which is hard. Right now it is hard to even get through the next minute.

More hugs coming your way

Is there anyone healthy you can stay with? That might be helpful for you. In terms of the drugs would a 12 step approach help do you think? Also can you be referred to your MH Trust's substance abuse service? That might help???

Please take things in as small a steps as you need to. Are you having any Home Treatment Team/Crisis Team input? This might also be something to ask for if the answer to that question is no.

You will get through this but do make sure you lean on your support and also make sure you are getting the professional input you need.

Hugs

Cracked