Confused Newbie about Bipolar Mother or 'Normal' Behaviour?

Hi out there,

I am a new member here. And I am looking for some insight and perhaps one day able to give insight on here as well. Reason why now? After this past year I have realized my mother's hurtful and verbally abusive/moody behaviour all my childhood/teen/young adult years are not normal behaviours and not what every mother does in secret. Then again, I am unsure also still because it's the only way I know. I'm in my 20's, if that information helps at all.

I want to keep this short.. because I would like someone to read it. I am looking for quite a bit of insight even after this.. because I am starting to worry about myself as well. Realizing some behaviours might not be "normal" in my mother has made me start to question my own in friendships etc.

In point form of things I quickly remember my mom does on constant:

- She constantly comes back in the room to say something mean to me ("You can consider packing your bags and moving out in 7 days" and then slams the door "You're not actually that pretty. I don't know why people think you are." I am not sure if this is normal or not normal from someone if I suggested not for us to reset the internet modem as it is not broken, her computer needs to be restarted.)

- She blames me for starting smoking again and ever since I've returned from my work trip that everything is bad again (even though messaging overseas she was all happy and excited for me to come home). Speaks outloud to say "Six months I didn't smoke a cigarette and now I started again. They are so disgusting. Since you've come back I started smoking again." In a very theatrical way. We weren't having a convo, I just happened to have walked within proximity.

- She is angry/moody in random bursts at home and whenever someone is in close proximity, starts talking about all the negative things even if no one is having a convo. Complains about small stuff non stop. Basically, when she is at work or fitness or sleeping is the only time her voice is not there with negative commentary for a general audience to hear.

- Doesn't listen to anyone, talks over me if I even have the chance to every try having a convo with her.

- Talks bad about me, lies about me to anyone.

- Threw a pot really hard in the sink (caused a huge scene that night for us all) because I didn't want to eat her spaghetti at 11:30 pm at night.. which she made specifically only for me. No one was asking for the dinner and she wasn't planning to eat it either. (There is more to this and it sounds crazy for me to write it, but my mother is legitimately trying to get me fat as I have discovered she is jealous of my life and me). I still cringe at coming to terms to say that outloud. I am in denial this is even possible from my own mother. I am willing to answer questions if need to make more sense of this one. This is just a scene I recently remember that was very painful. I have neglected/forgotten many similar physical situations as they are negative.

(Edit for above: She threw the pot in the sink after my dad decided to go grab some since no one was going to eat it. Then started shouting at him for being stupid and saying it was for me not for my dad. Comes back into my room telling me I'm stupid and dad ate everything. Then the physical drama started).

- In general, she is very dramatic.. likes to pretend we have nothing to eat, makes a scene for having to take sleeping pills. Pretty much constantly announcing things and how everything is hard for her

I don't feel I am able to provide these points properly as I really don't know what is common stressful behaviour or bipolar. To be honest, if I could write a book it would be bipolar but the writing is already getting too long in this post and I am looking for some insight first.

Once I can understand if she is or isn't (even if just potentially), I can understand better what I want to do with this information and if I can help.. or help myself leave the situation.

Help?

Hi Basics,
I am so very sorry to hear that you're having to deal with this type of behavior from your mother. First and foremost, you mentioned physical "drama." I'm assuming this means her putting her hands on someone (or you) in an inappropriate manner? If I'm assuming correctly, let me say that being physical with ANYONE is absolutely, 100% WRONG. I am in my 40's and my father (still) pulls this garbage with me. Fortunately I do not live with my parents, so the last time he did that (5 months ago), I immediately left the house and refused to return until he and I had a conversation in which I conveyed to him that if he EVER pulled that again, for my own mental health's and physical safety, I would cut him out of my life. If this is going on with you, please keep your own safety in mind and physically remove yourself from that environment should this be occurring.

Has your mother been diagnosed as bipolar? I was wondering because the term "bipolar" is used a lot by the public to generically describe a person who's being moody. The examples you provided of her behavior definitely indicate that her behavior and/or moods are not on an even keel. I'm not a physician, so I cannot say she has bipolar, but something definitely seems amiss.

I don't know your age and don't know if you live with her, but if you are an adult and do live with her you have a couple of options. First, for YOUR sanity, it might be best if you stayed with or lived with someone else for a while so that you are physically out of that environment. If you're not of age to go elsewhere, you might want to consider calling a mental health hotline to find out what support resources are in your local area for someone in your situation. You are not alone, so no need to feel like you are. Has your father or anyone else sat your mother down and gently discussed her volatile moods with her? Have you and your father discussed between yourselves that her moods are off? If you're in agreement with him, and given that she gets "physical," it might be a good starting point for HIM to try to broach the subject with her since he's "her equal" whereas you are her child and I'm guessing take less kindly to you remarking about her behavior to her.

She definitely needs to see a professional about what's going on- be it a counselor or psych doc. I also would recommend you seek help as well. The words she's using and behaviors she's exhibiting are no doubt affecting you and the best thing you could do for yourself is talk to a professional about how to deal with this stuff.

I'm so sorry you have to put up with all of this. No, I do not (in my unprofessional opinion) believe she is in a healthy mental state and HIGHLY recommend she seek the intervention of professionals. But no matter what SHE does, please remember that YOUR mental health is also important. You deserve to be treated well and to seek help for how to deal with an immediate family member treating you the way your mother has.

I hope things get addressed and start to improve for you soon.

Many hugs,
Kosh

basics-

My reaction is how awful to grow up with that behavior- your mom is definitely not "normal". Since you are in your 20's now and seem to be working, do you have the option of moving out of the house? I'm in my latter 20's, and while I love my mom, I wouldn't want to live with her.

You need to do something to preserve your own equanimity, and a change in venue sounds to me like it should help.

Hi Koshka and Pistils,

Thank you so much for your response.

The physical drama is not so often of her to hit me with her own bare hands (except when I was younger, because I think she is scared of me being able to defend myself now) but she has thrown a shoe at me, ripped up a croissant in front of my face looking hysterical while doing it. This is all I can remember right now. Like I said before, I really can't seem to remember my last decade with her very well as she has crossed the line sabotaging my personal life with any control she can find (school, taking my bills and not telling me about them therefore messing with my credit - even though my goals have been to buy a place and build good credit since I was 14 years old) and I have mentally accepted to remove her from my life in my mind, which will be the case when I move out.

I actually can't move out just yet because I have returned from work trips which were overseas contracts. I have to start working here to be able to sustain and not start losing what I have earned and come to zero. But I also have to choose the right place to work.. I can't just jump in super fast because of my mom. Knowing myself with that I will carry a lot of resentment to have a mother messing with my motivation and goals just because she seems to dislike everything about her daughter being successful. But I've been prioritizing for my sanity because nothing will pay back how crazy I am starting to feel.. and the fact I am becoming very demotivated and scattered dealing with her. Moving out would mean being able to return to my goals properly... I guess I am disappointed with myself because it's calm here sometimes.. when we all avoid each other somehow and to me it's like.. that's 5 days or 8 days of not paying rent and stayin somewhere where "I think" I can manage the situation better than new roommates. As long as I am not near her, stay in my room or leave the house and 'tiptoe' around her.. I can sort of manage. Mind you, I am a very social individual and never had problems with roommates overseas, but that's because I am able to manage with all types after my mother.. and sometimes it would be nicer to just leave without managing people constantly and having to adapt to them.

My dad doesn't do anything about it. She throws tantrums and he is cold as stone. He does break sometime and she loves it. I don't talk with my dad. But he is definitely just what they would consider a regular human. She really is verbally abusive, if not bipolar, and that I already know. She will poke and repeat at you constantly with words to break you and gives a smirk. It really scares me. Actually the last dramatic 'episode' was 1.5 weeks ago where I was definitely at my last straw to move out and saw it wasn't feasible right now. But that night, I slept with my lights on.. I am not so scared of her physically coming at me as much as mentally. I am starting to feel confused about if I am wrong, if I created this somehow.., I was hearing sounds that night. I am freaking myself out. I want to seek help for myself too but I know already the first step is to remove myself from the situation. When I wasn't here, I was feeling fine. But I've noticed I'm a very paranoid person with my friendships/relationships because of this.

She hasn't been diagnosed no, she's not the type who believes in that. If I mentioned it somehow, in a friendly matter, she will probably snap back at me and tell me I'm mental and that I should go not her.