D/s and anxiety

Hello.

First off, I am new here, and I do not know if I'm posting in the right section. If this doesn't belong here please forgive me.

Allow me to introduce myself, I'm 22 years old female and I am a submissive slash babygirl. I do not engage to age play or any of the extreme DD/lg stuff. You could say I'm a normal submissive, but unlike the usual sub I need more love, attention, and patience. I'm very shy, vulnerable and don't quickly trust someone. I am currently in a D/s relationship with a Dominant. we have been for about a year now. Before we were a D/s couple, we have been in a (4 year long lasting) vanilla relationship.

Now that said... the past few months have been hard for me, even though there have been plenty of good days, there are also a lot of things that shouldn't have happened. Allow me to first say I'm probably not the best sub; as soon as my Dominant is too lenient with consistency, I tend to go beyond boundaries. I don't do this on purpose, but I need to feel he can maintain control.
Now, a while ago he snapped at me. It was something very small... but he went from a nonchalant not caring mood straight into Dom-mode. He punished me in anger quite severely and now I am anxious whenever he touches me. (I have an anxiety disorder, but before this event it has never been present so strong and didn't interfere our D/s relationship at all).
It is so bad now, that I don't know if I can still be his sub. All physical actions scare me; sex (which we have stopped doing over a month ago due to the anxiety), but also normal things like hugs, or playfully squeezing or holding me. Words too hurt more than before this event... whenever he says I've done something wrong or bad, I would get an anxiety attack and would move to sit in a corner to shiver and cry.

I know what he did was wrong and so does he, but I want to work this out because I love him... but a part of me feels that with each day, it gets worse and worse. What can I do..? Has any Dom here ever dealt with an anxious sub? Or has any sub ever been in the same situation as me?

Some of you might tell me to get the hell out of this relationship, which (truly) I am considering. But I also want to see what other options there are.

Thank you. I hope the community can give me some advice. ^^

Hello BabySub, I'm sorry to hear that you are having anxiety issues with your partner and hope that I can offer some advice and guidance to help you get through this difficult time. While I am not submissive, I will try and provide as much information as I can.

First of all, I have an essential question to ask: Do you trust your Dominant completely? You describe yourself as someone who does not trust easily, and say that you need "more love, attention, and patience" than a normal submissive- and additionally (at least to some degree) identify as a little girl. If you do not trust your partner, then in my honest opinion you really cannot submit to him- BDSM requires trust to function on any level whatsoever. without trust you have no BDSM, and if you lack the trust necessary that may be either increasing or even causing your anxiety with your partner.

Second, is this your first BDSM relationship? And is it your partner's first foray as a Dominant? If the answer to either of these questions is yes, then you have a difficult journey ahead of you if you wish to attempt to resolve these anxiety issues. Once trust is lost in a BDSM relationship, or a Dominant makes a huge mistake it is very difficult for that relationship to continue. This is magnified exponentially when the Dominant is either inexperienced with dealing with such mistakes, or the submissive is inexperienced with submission, and further increased if both the Dominant and the submissive are both inexperienced. The best thing I can suggest is that you two communicate about why your Dominant felt the need to lash out at you like that, and how he intends to change his disciplinary style to make sure it doesn't happen again. You can also perhaps ask your Dominant if he holds something of minor importance (to you) in a higher regard, and perhaps adjust your views on the matter to match his. For example, I abhor tardiness, and if my submissive is late by even one minute she will be punished unless she has a valid excuse. Earlier on in our relationship, she did not understand how highly I valued timeliness and did not comprehend why I would punish her for something that she viewed as being innocuous. However, after I explained how I view timeliness she adjusted her view to match mine, and is now rarely (if ever) late without a valid excuse.

Third, punishing someone in anger is an absolutely unforgivable offense in my book. Has your Dominant educated himself about giving pain in a rational, and controlled manner? I personally believe in SSC as the guiding principle of BDSM- Safe, Sane, and Consensual. Punishment through anger is not safe, as rather than observing the submissive's reactions and reading her body's cues the Dominant instead only wants to hurt and inflict the maximum amount of pain regardless of the potential ramifications of that pain. BDSM needs to be performed in a relaxed and sound state of mind: Your Dominant should only punish you after the anger has passed- not in the throes of his rage. This is not a small mistake- it is an abuse of power, and a sign of a lack of education or a lack of impulse control that your Dominant needs to address immediately, or at least needs to be communicative about.

Fourth, if you are having anxiety to physical touch, hugs, cuddling, etc. you need to ask your Dominant to respect that, and not to touch you as long as you feel anxious. Your Dominant needs to slowly ease you back into physical contact- not just continue the same approach he used in the past when you weren't anxious. This anxiety requires an adjustment in your Dominant's method of control, and needs to be respected as opposed to ignored. You and your Dominant also need to be very communicative throughout this entire experience in order to minimize potential triggers, and maximize the effectiveness of your recovery.

Fifth and finally, while you do need to address your constant desire for your Dominant to express his control over you, and need to understand why you feel the need to constantly press boundaries, you also need to understand that this anxiety is not your fault (and is only about 5% your fault if what you say is true). Unfortunately, your Dominant made a massive error, and he needs to understand and respect that. If he does not change, I would have to advise that you either only pursue a vanilla relationship with him, or if this is not something you would like to do, that you leave the relationship. I understand that you have strong feelings for your Dominant, but if he will not accept and adapt from his failures you need to look elsewhere. However, I would only leave as a last resort, and I would have a conversation with your Dominant before you decide to leave about why you decide to leave should you chose to do so.

Again, I am sorry that you are going through such a hard time right now, and I wish you a speedy recovery and a return to happy days.

Best of luck and best wishes

-MJH

Hello MJH!

Thank You so much for Your reply, I'm very grateful that You spend so much time to type all that out for me.

To answer some of the questions...

I am unsure if I still trust my Dominant. The event that occurred truly has hit me in more ways than just one. On top of that comes the lack of consistency, which at times makes me feel really unsafe and unprotected. Plus, it happens often that he says/promises things that he later on forgets about, which is really difficult for me because I value his promises like nothing in this world. But now, I feel like I can't depend/rely on him. And then last but not least about this subject, he can't really control him self; not only his physical actions, but also his emotions. It very often is me who needs to help him up when things have gotten too hard for him.

Yes, he is a new Dominant. Before me, he hasn't been in any D/s relationship and neither did I for that matter, but through the years I have spend countless hours learning about it, about terms, protocols, behavior, etc. I am of opinion that (even though it isn't the same as actually living it), it has given me a great advantage in our relationship (let me imply here that I was the one who proposed a D/s relationship). Him, on the other hand, does not invest any time in learning about it, in becoming a better Dominant. Don't get me wrong, I am well aware that there are as many submissives as there are wines and you can not apply the treatment you read on the net on all of them, but to learn about/know the basics, the net can be an extremely helpful source. I feel that too often he relies on me for Dominant education, as to how he should act and what he should do when I am disobedient or feeling like a failure. I would even go as far as saying that at times (in a way) it feels like he is my submissive. That isn't good because it influences my obedience and respect for him.

After reading all this, does it seem to You that he isn't suitable to be my (or anyone's) Dominant?

(Please take note that other than all the negative points, he really is a sweet and caring man, he would probably make many girls very happy if he was to be their boyfriend. But sadly, I'm not just an ordinary girl...)

Thank You in advance.

Hello again BabySub.

After reading the entirety of your post, I can say that your Dominant definitely has some work to do if he intends to keep a submissive; especially one who needs a larger amount of care, affection, and attention than the average submissive as you seem to. I stand by my evaluation that this anxiety issue is not your fault in the slightest, and that while you both could always use improvement, (I could use some improvement as well- no one is ever perfect after all) your Dominant is the one that the impetus of change falls on most fully.

In my opinion, it is not in the least bit Dominant to rely on your submissive for the entirety or even the majority of your education in BDSM. While I'm not suggesting that submissive cannot teach Dominants about their craft, as this is simply untrue, I do believe that in order to be Dominant one must be able to obtain information for oneself, and develop an opinion and unique style from said information. If your Dominant is not trying to educate himself at all, then i'm not so sure that he is as interested in being your Dominant as you are in being his submissive- or he needs a nice, long conversation about how constantly being forced to educate him is making it significantly more difficult to trust and submit to him. As for using the internet as an educational tool, I agree that the internet can be very useful for a starting BDSM couple, and that while you might not have experience in the Scene itself any bit of knowledge does help. I would however recommend that you take anything you read online with a grain of salt (even my own advice) and that you consult with your partner before asking for anything (or creating unfair expectations) and stay communicative about your education. While there are many useful pieces of information on the internet, there are just as many places of mis-information that initially seems credible.

In response to your potential distrust of your Dominant, I can understand every single one of your qualms completely. Personally, I take my promises very seriously, not only in a BDSM context but also in my normal day-to-day life. My submissive, my kinky and non-kinky friends, and my family all know that when I promise something I intend to keep it, and I regard the ability to keep one's promises as a sign of the self-control necessary to be a good Dominant or submissive. The fact that your Dominant does not seem to regard his promises as important, and the fact that he frequently forgets what he has promised to you are not good signs. I would recommend a conversation with him about what a Dominant's promises mean to a submissive, and how his promises make you feel when he makes them, and when he forgets them. If you feel like you cannot depend or rely on him, then in my honest opinion he is not a very good Dominant. I believe that a Dominant must have control over his or her life before he or she can control another's- and it seems that your Dominant does not have control over his life just yet.

As for your Dominant's lack of self-control, again I do not think this a very good sign. I believe that self-control is the mark of the Dominant, as self-control is necessary to properly discipline a submissive without hurting him or her, to exert will over a submissive without doing exactly what that submissive wants (and thus allowing said submissive to top from the bottom), to create and enforce boundaries, etc. A lack of self-control means that he probably should not be disciplining you at all- and that at the very least you need to be able to safeword during punishment to prevent from being injured, or emotionally damaged (like what unfortunately happened during the incident that caused your anxiety). You need to discuss this with your Dominant as well, and tell him how while you would like to let him play with you ( as I assume you would), you are unsure that he will know when to stop, and thus unsure of how safe he is.

I believe that you need to make your qualms with your Dominant very clear to him (if you haven't already), and spell out what you want from him in this relationship. As he is a first-time Dominant, it is very probable that he does not understand what a submissive requires from a BDSM relationship. I will withhold my judgement of him as unsuitable to be a Dominant, but will say that he has quite a lot of work to do to fix his various issues, and overcome his lack of education on BDSM.

Finally, I add a disclaimer: I have very strong opinions about what I think a Dominant should and should not be. Many Dominants that others accept and have a good relationship with do not meet every single one of my qualifications. You may or may not agree with all of them, and either response is more than acceptable. While you may be less experienced than I am, that doesn't make your desires, or needs any less credible than mine. Please, don't feel obligated to agree with every single point I make (not saying that you do, but I tend to make my opinion sound like fact- a remnant from far too many years on the debate team). You know your Dominant a thousand times better than I ever will, and if you believe that he is capable of being your Dominant, then that in my opinion is worth more than every single one of my observations put together. I wish you the best of luck with your relationship and your continuing education in the realm of BDSM.

Best of luck and best wishes

-MJH

P.S. Off topic, but you don't need to capitalize my pronouns unless you want to. I appreciate the gesture, but it isn't needed- I am quite secure in my Dominance