Shy Bladder

I can't take a pee in public or even at others house if I think someone can hear me going I can't. It's called paruresis I guess. It really dominates my life and is really embarrasing. I can't really go out because the whole time I'm just scheming on how I'm gonna go pee. Sometimes I can go pee in the stall if nobody else is in there. Im a janitor and when other people are in the building I have to go pee in my janitors closet. Supposedly I'm not alone and it affects like 7% of the population. It sure feels like I'm alone though. My family knows and they are understanding and I've told a few people but no one seems to get it, they're just like go pee you weirdo. I've lost my only girlfriend because of lying about why I had to leave places and her house because I had to pee so bad. I never did admit it to her, she just thought I was avoiding her haha. Weddings are a nightmare. The last one I was going pee in my car in a bottle and leaving to go to the gas station hoping it was empty there. I ended up just leaving early and everyone was wondering why and why I was disappearing all the time. It's driving me crazy and I get seriously depressed about it. Does anyone else have this problem? I figure it could be something other AvPD people deal with. It's a real nightmare, I just had to put it in writing because it's something I'm so secretive about.

Hi Mistborn,

I'm so sorry to hear you have this problem. It's a life-ruiner which means you need to do something about it so you can get your life back. Look at the havoc it's already wreaked upon you and you suffer daily. I can only imagine how difficult it would be to seek help, but you really must. I found this link http://paruresis.org/ . There are workshops and resources. Have you tried any?

Thanks for the response! I've started reading everything I can about it. I've only recently found out its a thing and it's actually been really comforting reading other people's struggles. It was like reading my own thoughts. There's a breath holding technique some people say work. I'm just starting a new therapist so I'm gonna bring it up. I have my sisters wedding coming up and it's at a place I've been to and the bathroom is just one urinal and one stall and it's tiny. I'm gonna be bringing my own car and hoping there's some hidden places outside I can sneak away to. It's so pathetic though. I try to use the bathroom but then I'm just terrified someone's gonna come in. When that happens I always have to fake like I'm peeing and wash my hands. Guys are not sympathetic about it either. People already think I'm gay because I haven't had a girlfriend in 13 years and i explained how it affected my only relationship. So its been going on for a long time. This weirdness about going to the bathroom makes everyone suspicious haha.

I've always been uncomfortable about it. But when I have to go bad enough I get through it. Maybe a virtual reality lavatory would help to desensitize you? Or you could pop a Xanax before you have to go?

What exactly is the fear? "Oh, God, what if I'm not doing it right? What if my stream isn't strong enough and I don't pee like a dominant alpha male? Crap--"

I don't know what the fear is. I get that this probably seems trivial. I just can't pee around others. I really don't understand it though. It's not that I'm worried about my dick size and other people looking at it. It's just anxiety I guess. I know people don't care but my mind won't let me go haha.

-- Tue Apr 04, 2017 4:40 pm --

Wish I could pop a xanax haha. Honestly it doesn't do the trick and I've tried.

I'm not an avoidant so excuse what might seem like overly trivialising with wanting there to be a *cause* but I am a reductionist

Do you think that there might have been an incident as a child where, for instance, while using a urinal at school, somebody might have shoved you which resulted in you getting pee over yourself, or something similar?

Sometimes my bladder gets shy as well. And I have a hard time of it if a fellow is standing next to me... Then again, sometimes no. Seen lots of guys use a stall even when there are available urinals, so to some degree, it must affect a sizable minority. I've found, if i have to pee bad enough, I will...

I'm the same way but not so much with pee, if you know what I'm saying. I have OCD and have a problem with people who are not modest about taking a crap. I had a roommate once whose boyfriend would ruthlessly punish the toilet in our apartment every time he came over. He would regale us with vocal interpretations of how well his bowels were functioning. If I'm in a restaurant I get incensed if expected to sit near the restrooms. I can't even remember the last time I sat down on a public toilet. I don't like to pee in them either, but I do. I usually flush the urinal first and stand waaaaay back to avoid splashback. For me, it's about modesty. Not sure if that's the right word. I just don't want people to think I'm as disgustingly demonstrative with their bodily functions as I think they can be.

AS for your problem, have you thought about adult diapers? I'm not making fun or trying to be cheeky. You don't have to use them constantly, but in certain situations they can be a lifesaver for you, as well as a safety net for when you are using other means to come to terms with your problem.

I didn't look too deeply at the link skyflyz posted, but I'm wondering if that might be mentioned there. Not as a cure, but, like I said, as a safety net in emergency situations.

Poops are okay. They just aren't elegant. You have to go the opposite way if people are in earshot: "FIRE IN THE HOLE!"