gaslighting

This is one of the worst kinds of emotional abuse, because it pits the victim against their own mind. The abuser discredits your experience, rewriting history and insisting their altered version is correct so you will think you're losing your mind or your judgment is wrong. I think avoidants are especially vulnerable to it because we have such little self worth and want connections with other people so much.

Gaslighting is just one of the many weapons in the arsenal of personalities hell-bent on having their way, even if it means doing so by subtle and covert means of conning others. That they will do whatever it takes to secure and maintain a position of advantage over others. And some of the most effective means at their disposal are tactics that conceal their malevolent intent while simultaneously prompting their “target” to accede to their desires.

It's a form of manipulation with the aim of controlling someone, plain and simple. Here are the stages of gaslighting:

The Idealization Stage:

During the initial “idealization stage”, the abuser puts on their “best face” in order to mold their victim into a symbiotic relationship with them as their attention supply. In the beginning of the relationship the abuser showers the victim with attention, they are loving, charming, flirtatious, energetic, exciting, and great fun to be with. They appear to be so happy and interested in the relationship, and the unsuspecting victim enjoys every moment with their new charismatic partner.

What to watch for is someone who's trying to be nice, who's over the top. They are setting you up. If it's too good to be true, it probably means someone is targeting you for victimization.

The Devaluation Stage:

The relationship has now shifted into the “devaluation phase”, and it is as if a lethal freak fog has descended over the relationship. Almost overnight the abuser becomes decisively cold and uncaring. The victim’s falls from grace is a hard one, they cannot seem to do anything right anymore; the abuser's loving words turn to criticism, everything the victim tries ends in a negative effect, and they find themselves devalued at every turn.

Doesn't that sound like hell? Someone who claimed they loved you (in order to get something from you) now criticizes every thing you do. But at this point, you're hooked. You convince yourself that the false persona, the put on super fun acting job that was done in the outset is the "real person" so you keep trying to recreate it, or you make excuses for them, or you believe that underneath everything there is a good person who is just going through something. No. The fact is, this is the reality. This is the best you're going to get if you let yourself get snookered by the abuser's trap in the first stage.

The Discarding Phase:

In this phase, the game comes to its final conclusion. What started out as the idealization of a victim by the abuser is doomed to end with the idealization of the abuser by the victim’s over-dependence. Once this happens, the fun is over. Not so for the victim; they are left confused and raw with emotion, and are eager to find solutions in order to “fix” the dying relationship. However, the abuser knows they have drained the victim dry, that they have now outlived their usefulness, and now it is time to move on to the next source of supply of attention.

That's what's super creepy - the pattern of repeatedly finding new victims, of finding people to suck attention from. Avoidants are perfect targets for this because they have so few people in their lives. Their attention is pure; gaslighting an avoidant is like mainlining heroin.

Watch out for people who come on to you like a Mack truck. They are untrustworthy and they're trying to get something from you. Don't let yourself become the next victim. The good news is on this forum, posts can't be deleted, so you'll never have someone insist "I never said that." It's safer, but not safe. Be vigilant to gaslighting.

Gaslighting as in the old film "Gaslight" with Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman? Honestly the only time I was gaslighted was by the mental health professionals. They told me I was delusional and my memories of being abused were delusions. Not at first. For the first couple of months I thought I was getting along fine with them. The next two years were living hell.

Yeah, the name is from the film.

I know someone who's an ace at it who's been poking around again.
Beware!
It's flattering in the beginning, but that about-face when you've been sucked dry is really hard to handle.

During the initial “idealization stage”, the abuser puts on their “best face” in order to mold their victim into a symbiotic relationship with them as their attention supply. In the beginning of the relationship the abuser showers the victim with attention, they are loving, charming, flirtatious, energetic, exciting, and great fun to be with. They appear to be so happy and interested in the relationship, and the unsuspecting victim enjoys every moment with their new charismatic partner.

But that's really just something everyone does when dating. If you go into a date and go on about your flaws and faults it's not going to work out.

No, it's like the difference between being avoidant and feeling a little temporarily withdrawn. The gaslighter completely conforms to whatever you are so you seem like a perfect fit, but it's all a ruse. Watch out for someone who adores everything about you and changes their story so it sounds more like yours.

If you're on a date with someone, that's different than someone randomly coming up and acting like you're the greatest thing since sliced bread. Let me put it this way, would you trust a check out person who after 5 minutes insisted they loved you? That's what a gaslighter is like, exhuberant and over the top from the first second, because they want to have your attention.

If someone is too friendly, there's a reason for it. Trust your instinct that there's something wrong. The gaslighter will try to convince you everything is okay, and once they've won you over the first time, you're in their pocket - they'll know how to convince you of anything.

It's true inverse. I had that experience too. But at least you had it, so you know next time how to defend yourself, or at least you are better prepared and can detect manipulation easier.

Also it is important to expose yourself more and be close to the people you trust.

I agree. Flattery is never sincere. It always has a hidden purpose.

In the animal kingdom, the rule is, eat or be eaten; in the human kingdom, define or be defined.

Thomas Szasz

What's hard is trying to break the cycle. If you know a person does this, does this repeatedly, then how do you stop it from happening again?

This is the avoidant "I must be responsible for everything, I must be the one to blame" thing. If I know that it's happening, then I feel like I'm awful if I don't keep it from happening again. Which is damn hard because I'm not directly involved. It's like I'm a guilty psychic - I know the pattern will repeat, so to be a decent person I should try to intervene, but I don't know how.

I know someone who got blown apart by this treatment, and is kind of entering stage 3. The gaslighter is trying to start stage 1 over again, but the victim has a clue, so I don't think it will work. The victim, unfortunately, is trying to give the gaslighter another chance. He believes the ruse, the attention seeking trap, was reality, and once she sorts herself out she'll go back to how she was before. Nope. That was all acting, and the criticism and attacks are what she's really about. Give her a million chances, she'll always settle to her base level, just like all the rest of them before her. That's life. But the dream is so hard to give up, despite facts and repeating personal history pointing to the truth.

Lesson to be learned - look at the numbers. If someone is really nice, especially in the beginning, and then become critical, they're really not being nice to you, even if they insist they are. Once they've got you hooked, looking for a little kindness, they know they can be mean to you as much as they want, and you'll keep coming back, like a gambler buying scratch tickets, because maybe you might get a second or two of kindness from time to time. Self-labeling is a dangerous and untrustworthy thing. After all, I call myself the dregs of humanity, but at least I don't gaslight people, so how accurate is that label?

I've been down this road...it's an emotional roller coaster ride from hell. The change will be so dramatic, that the victim will be left wondering where the person they met disappeared to, and how to get them back...but there is no back. I don't think the gas lighter realizes how they are behaving, or they are incapable of feeling empathetic toward their damaged partner. The end is so brutal for the victim though...wondering what the hell happened! I had to be out of the relationship a few weeks before it started sinking in what had occurred. Then it was a long process of letting go. Hope can be a bitter thing for a long, long time.