Lack of interest in sex (18+)

I apologize for the mature nature of this post, but I doubt the people over in the sexual health section will be able to give clear answers regarding sexuality and ASD.

I've been married for almost two years now, and naturally sex is something that occurs in marriage, however I don't have much interest in it. My lack of interest seems to be a logical reasoning type of thing, which is why I suspect it's linked to ASD, but I really don't know.

For me, I don't really feel any sense of "intimacy" or "bonding" with sex. Right now the only purpose for sex is to achieve orgasm, which according to most NTs is "the most amazing thing in the world," which, for me at least, very much isn't. Orgasm for me amounts to 1.5 seconds of "oh, that feels nice," and that's it. So from my point of view, why spend time, effort, and energy working towards 1.5 seconds of "oh, that feels nice" when I could be playing a video game or riding a roller coaster and experiencing long-term "that was freakin' awesome!".....? Other activities in life give me infinitely more pleasure than sex, and I don't know if that's ASD or if it's just me being me.

Also, on a slightly related note, is it common for Aspies to have an aversion to children? My wife will look at one of her friend's babies and say, "Aw isn't he cute," to which I reply, "Puppies are cute. Kittens are cute. This.....this is a noise and poop machine that will cost its parents $260,000 before it graduates high-school, and will cause unnecessary stress, drama, disappointment, and annoyances." I have to have lots of free time, spent alone, doing things that I enjoy doing. If I don't get that free time I get stressed. When I get stressed, it compounds until I snap and my cognitive functions go to hell and I can't focus on anything and I get extremely irritable. I also require 9-10 hours of solid sleep per night, which is already difficult thanks to the unyielding lunacy of society. On top of the fact that I don't want to pass on all the genetic health conditions that I have been suffering for the past 25 years, I really don't want a kid.

there are different views of what causes ASDs. some think it's a neurological difference, in other words a form of diversity. others, like myself, view it as a neurological dysfunction. i have heard of other people with ASDs having sexual problems. and i think there could well be a link to that and the aforementioned dysfunction. i believe this dysfunction is related to an inability of the brain to produce oxytocin, which relates to emotion. this is similar to serotonin causing depression. serotonin is also related to sleep through malatonin. as for not wanting to pass on any genetic condition, that seems perfectly logical and reasonable. and it's ultimately up to you whether or not you want or have children. the words "i really don't want a kid" to me read very much like a plea. i think you need to resolve this with your wife. if she wants children and you don't then one of you needs to relent, otherwise your marrage may become unsustainable. i've known a number of couples that have divorced for this very reason.

Interesting topic...the 18+ is totally unnecessary though, kinda pointless TBH.

Speaking personally, I'm largely asexual. While I find others "attractive" (can be men or women, but mostly women), I don't really have that much of a desire for relationships in general. When I have so many things I could be doing, trying to make a relationship work has been a waste of time, overall, for the times I've tried. I don't believe in just "sleeping around", as that leads to unnecessary risks. My sexual drive is very low. Maybe as a result to my view on relationships. I'm "open" to things in the future, but not so much actively seeking. For sex of itself, if that is more work on top of building a relationship, then yeah...I think I made myself clear.

On children, I'm kinda "hit and miss". I don't look at a kid and say "oh, isn't he/she cute" and get "puppy dog eyes". I don't dislike children, though. I've pretty much always had it in my brain that if I ever wanted a child, i'd likely go with adoption, because with the incredible amount of people in this world, I believe bringing another into the world is simply irresponsible when so many are suffering and need a home. Adoption, for a single parent, is frowned upon..especially a single male, so that likely will be out the window unless I get a stable relationship, and see paragraph #2 for that info.

I don't know the cause of the asexual-ness. Maybe shock_the_monkey is onto something with what he said, dunno.

In terms of your view on children...yeah, shock_the_monkey was right on that..you need to talk to your partner about that. If you're not willing to have kids, then better to say it now than later.

I just added the 18+ because most forums only require people to be over 13 to register. I don't really know the demographic makeup of these forums so I thought I would be better safe then sorry.

I'm interested in this oxytocin thing. Tell me more

Oxytocin is an endogenous opiate that's released with dopamine during orgasm, or while doing hard drugs. Orgasms are safer, I think. Long story short, oxytocin and dopamine are responsible for that sensation of attachment you feel toward a romantic partner, i.e. love. You become addicted to another person this way, or in any other method that causes the release of oxytocin and dopamine while you're with or thinking of them.

I totally agree with your views on babies, though. I don't find other people's kids cute, at all. And at times I have to hold my tongue because a person might show me a picture, or I'll actually see their baby, and it's an ugly kid. I think that might be a guy thing, though - babies survived for longer in the past if they looked more like their father, and if a man sees a baby that's not his he's less likely to think it's cute. They also have those wonderful sounds they make, which mesh really well with the "sounds people find uncomfortable" range of our hearing.

asperger-syndrome/topic99005.html has quite a bit more information about oxytocin as well

On the 18+, lets pretend you're a kid for a moment..if you see 18+ do you click on the link or not click on the link. There's one correct answer, and if you say you don't click on the link then I say you're lying I don't care that much about the subject being named the way it is, but do believe it's silly and would only increase the amount minors click on it rather than decrease the clicks.

That whole thing sounds a lot like AS to me!

OK here's a lot more honestly and admitting in a single post than I ever thought I'd do.... But, in this forum, aspies tend to see things very "clinically" so I'm OK with it:

Sex drive in my experience is highly linked to testosterone. I am a female (in my 40's now), but in my 20's and early 30's I had a long time where I had absolutlely no interest, and even no physical reaction (i.e. orgasms) at all. Zero, zilch, nada. No matter what. I was married at the time so I really tried, but there was just nothing there. A trip to the doctor revealed a lack of testosterone (presumably caused by birth control pills), so I started on a regimen to fix that. My libido went back to "normal".... well, normal for aspie anyway, which is not as much as an NT but at least in the normal range.

As for kids, even as a female I was always ambivalent about kids too. Before learning about AS I always thought it was odd that whenever a baby got brought into the room, all the women would "ooh" and "ahh" and want to hold it, and I was there thinking: "eh, it's a baby, so what?"
I actually ended up having 2 kids of my own (long boring story as to why), and it is really difficult for me. Having ADD as well as AS myself, and then my 2 boys both having "special needs" (thanks to my genes), it is HARD. I often feel like I'm "in over my head" and it is really stressful. I can't say I regret having them, because of course I would anything for them, but in all honestly I'm really not cut out for this. My kids think I'm a good mom, but I just hope I can get through the next 8 years (until the youngest is 18) without having a breakdown!!

slugger wrote:Sex drive in my experience is highly linked to testosterone. ... A trip to the doctor revealed a lack of testosterone (presumably caused by birth control pills), so I started on a regimen to fix that. My libido went back to "normal".... well, normal for aspie anyway, which is not as much as an NT but at least in the normal range.

For reference, this is hard, but I wonder what the definition of "normal" is in this case for both NTs and ASers.

The testosterone thing is interesting, and who knows. I believe testosterone is also linked to building muscle, which I have no problem doing (bit overweight here, but also exercise quite a bit too, run easily 3+ miles, etc) so I'm kinda curious what asexuality is kinda linked to. Then again, without knowing the definition of "normal", it's hard to know where one's at on the range.

many years ago i read simon barron-cohen's 'the essential difference - men, women and the extreme male brain'. in this book he argues that AS is due to what he terms extreme maleness, caused by excessively high testosterone. it's such a long time ago now that i honestly can't remember how i linked oxytocin with AS but i do remember thinking he was wrong and it was oxytocin not testosterone that was responsible for AS and the higher number of men that have it compared to women. true enough, low testosterone can cause a loss of sex drive. but i think that a more likely factor in those with AS is low oxytocin. i have heard of men with AS that can get an erection but are unable to ejaculate. at first i thought this unlikely. but now i think it more likely to be a sexual dysfunction caused by low oxytocin. for the sake of being completely open and honest, i found that my diet (see my threads) had a profound affect on my awareness of sexuality. i started really noticing women. it was rather surprising and a little embarrassing at times too.

neal88 wrote:For me, I don't really feel any sense of "intimacy" or "bonding" with sex. Right now the only purpose for sex is to achieve orgasm, which according to most NTs is "the most amazing thing in the world," which, for me at least, very much isn't. Orgasm for me amounts to 1.5 seconds of "oh, that feels nice," and that's it. So from my point of view, why spend time, effort, and energy working towards 1.5 seconds of "oh, that feels nice" when I could be playing a video game or riding a roller coaster and experiencing long-term "that was freakin' awesome!".....? Other activities in life give me infinitely more pleasure than sex, and I don't know if that's ASD or if it's just me being me.

I think it's ASD. I feel the same way and certain other ASD people I know feel this way too

neal88 wrote:Also, on a slightly related note, is it common for Aspies to have an aversion to children? (...) I really don't want a kid.

I think it is. As we are not that emotional, children do not make us go "awwww". Me and my bf, we call other people's small children "larvas" I'm quite tolerant of them, but my bf goes nuts when he hears one. If they don't scream it's not that bad though.
I agree with others that you should tell your wife that children are not for you.