NT female, communication questions to the Men with Aspergers

So i'm dating a guy with Asperger's syndrome. I'm fascinated by the disorder especially with how men with Asperger's syndrome communicate in relationships with NT women. I have concluded that as a NT woman it's extremely challenging to communicate my feelings and needs to a man with this condition because of my expectations. I crave lots of attention from the man i'm dating( doesn't have to be daily but at least twice a week). I've only dated NT men , so dating a guy with Asperger is completely different and i'm exhausted and i'm about to give up. Yet, i've learned a lot.

To all the men with Asperger's who have been in relationships or dating, or even those have never dated, i have a question for you.

I'm aware there's no cure for Asperger's syndrome you are who you are and that brings additional diversity to the world. I'm curious are you willing to compensate especially with communicating to make your dating/relationship successful? If yes, how do you compensate. If not, why can't you?

Are you willing to learn to communicate effectively when dating or in relationship? If yes, what are you willing to do to improve your communication skills. If not, why not?

Please share at least 5 tips to us NT women on how we can effectively communicate when dating or in a relationship with a man with Asperger's syndrome.

thanks in advance for your feedback

I'm a woman, but I just wanted to say that this post sounds a little too intrusive...

MrsNT wrote:Please share at least 5 tips to us NT women on how we can effectively communicate when dating or in a relationship with a man with Asperger's syndrome.

Be direct and honest and expect the same.

AS people are very good at communicating - everything is always on the table

IceBlock wrote:I'm a woman, but I just wanted to say that this post sounds a little too intrusive...

MrsNT wrote:Please share at least 5 tips to us NT women on how we can effectively communicate when dating or in a relationship with a man with Asperger's syndrome.

Be direct and honest and expect the same.

AS people are very good at communicating - everything is always on the table

AS female here too, sorry. But I would suspect that part of the reason you haven't gotten other replies is like iceblock said, you came across a little demanding with the request for 5 things, and aspies don't like that..... Also we tend to take things literally, so if someone can't think of 5 things they're not going to post at all.... Just so you know!

I would mention though, in general, aspies tend to be open to talk about anything, because our emotions don't get involved that much so we don't have much in the way of "taboo topics". So if you're not sure of something, just ask your boyfriend! For all our "oddities", one of the benefits of being in a relationship with an aspie is that we tend to be very honest, and even very open to people that we trust.
Basically, you can just ask HIM for some tips on communicating with him! That might not work with an NT (neurotypical such as yourself), but it works with an aspie because he'll tell just how it is.

As far as whether aspies are willing to compromise and all that, that's actually a personality trait, so it's not going to be consistent, it depends on the person. We are certainly ABLE to compromise, as we are able to learn and adjust, but whether one is willing to do so is an individual thing.

Hope that helps

Honesty, as already mentioned, is important.

What's also important is that you determine if you're willing to help this person adjust. Every single person has their set of difficulties and "demons" that they are dealing with. This person, with AS, is not perfect. Honestly, neither are you. It may sound harsh, but the point of the post is to affirm that you need to determine if you can have patience with him and to accept his strengths and weaknesses.

If you can't accept them, then you shouldn't keep dating him.

On the flip side, and I doubt this is necessary to even say, but no one is perfect. Finding the perfect male will not happen, ever. No one is perfect.

Instead of asking us for tips, what you need to do is the following:
1. Determine if you want to work through these difficulties, if so then follow to #2, if not then drop the relationship.
2. Talk to him, upfront. Do not expect him to just "get it" when it comes to your needs. You need to be upfront, honest, and determined in your needs. Really, you need to state them. People with AS are more likely to miss your non-verbal hints. A common complaint of women seems to be that guys don't pick up on women needs...well, a male with AS is even less likely to pick up on the needs. So..go up to him, talk to him, be honest and direct and state your needs.

5 tips aren't necessary, be honest and patient...there, that's 2 tips that are better than 5

Hi there MrsNT,

As an NT dating someone with Aspergers, I'd agree with Iceblock, slugger and TDT and their comments.

It's important to know that your relationship with him is going to be like most good relationships. You both need to compromise and communicate. You both need to accept each other for who you are. You both need to take care of yourselves by being very clear in your needs. Finally, you both have quirks and idiosyncracies- not just him. It's a dynamic.

I treat my relationship a bit like a cross-cultural one. He has different propensities and comfort levels with time, predictability, communication and emotion. That's been my experience across cultures too. So, like all couples we do (even think) things differently. I thrive on change. He doesn't. I do things rapid fire. He likes to take his time. So I try to make adjustments in the direction of us rather than me. He does too. He uses humour well to diffuse our difficulties. Frankly, usually the empathy lacking is on my part because he is very clear in what he can and can't do. He has said," why can't you just let me be me?" Powerful. Humbling. If I can't do this, I shouldn't be with him. And vice-versa.

I also used these blogs and websites quite heavily in the beginning. They really helped to give me insights into different ways of thinking. But in the end, I need to communicate well and understand him uniquely and all of his wonderful quirks and idiosyncracies. Hope some of this helps.

you'd have difficulty dating anyone, AS or NT, because your focus is entirely on yourself, not your date. if your date were like you, you'd run a mile. so, why shouldn't they?!!!

Another female Aspie answering !

Yes your request comes as too demanding. And too imprecise: what exactely seems to be the problem officier? Give precise examples of problems, that would help.

Now I agree it's hard for an Aspie to communicate in a relationship. My husband and I have been together for 10 years... With plenty of problems, but that's more related to my extra sensitivity problems than my lack of communication.

As an AS male married to an NT, I find that the biggest issue for me is communicating my wants/needs, because when I try my wife misinterprets them as criticisms.

To all the men with Asperger's who have been in relationships or dating, or even those have never dated, i have a question for you.

I'm aware there's no cure for Asperger's syndrome you are who you are and that brings additional diversity to the world. I'm curious are you willing to compensate especially with communicating to make your dating/relationship successful? If yes, how do you compensate. If not, why can't you?

Yes, especially If I really care about the person, and to expend my time on them I would have to. I just try to listen, not interrupt and speak when shes done speaking.

Are you willing to learn to communicate effectively when dating or in relationship? If yes, what are you willing to do to improve your communication skills. If not, why not?

Yeah, I already know how but shrug.

By the way, women are ultra emotional. Even more so than NT males. So that being said if you're having a fight and you're interacting purely based off of your emotions thats the number one way to piss him off and make him walk away from it. I always know when someones being emotional and irrational when we are having an argument or a difficult discussion. I literally see the moment the rational thinking light turns off in their head and now theyre just being defensive and deflecting because they just got their ego bruised. Thats the point where the conversation is no longer able to be had and thus its pointless to be had at that point in time. So in a nut shell keep your cool, try hard to be rational and remember if you let your emotions overload thats when it all goes down hill.