Paranoia and Asperger's

I always find myself always looking for some ulterior motives in people's actions. I worry I'm misinterpreting some gesture or not seeing some obvious lie being told to me. I hear my name in every whisper. Knowing I'm being irrational doesn't seem to help me at all.

Worst of all are people I know will lie to me to make me happy. I feel distant towards the old friends I used to have, totally unable to shake the feeling they found me obnoxious and only stuck around before out of pity. I have so many unanswered questions about so many personal things, and I find myself completely unable to believe in anyone.

Generallyimpaired wrote:I always find myself always looking for some ulterior motives in people's actions. I worry I'm misinterpreting some gesture or not seeing some obvious lie being told to me. I hear my name in every whisper. Knowing I'm being irrational doesn't seem to help me at all.

it's easy to get into this situation if you've had people treat you badly. you don't mention any history here, though.

Generallyimpaired wrote:Worst of all are people I know will lie to me to make me happy.

this could be your perception rather than theirs.

Generallyimpaired wrote:I feel distant towards the old friends I used to have, totally unable to shake the feeling they found me obnoxious and only stuck around before out of pity.

very unlikely. people aren't like that.

Generallyimpaired wrote:I have so many unanswered questions about so many personal things, and I find myself completely unable to believe in anyone.

well, you have to ask if you're going to have any hope of getting an answer.

i have to say here that a lot of paranoia is due to the use of recreational drugs. i hope this isn't the case here but it needs to be mentioned just in case.

Thank you for the response.

No recreational drugs involved.

No traumatizing experiences of being hurt in the past, but I suppose I feel pretty bad about kind of not being there for my aunt who always seemed to want me around before she committed suicide. But I don't think I ever came to blame myself for it.

Father left fairly early on, even though he was abusive he was never abusive towards anyone other than my mother and seemed very affectionate towards me. And although I was never a talker I've never had such profound anxiety about socializing until recently and this happened long ago.

Middle school was strange for me, I was depressed the whole way through (runs in the family). I find myself reluctant to talk to most of the kids who came from that old school into my current high school just because they remind me of those times. Small school, we all knew each others names etc. I ended up (probably inappropriately) infatuated with a girl who showed an unexpected amount of kindness(which I mistook for affection edit) toward me when I was kind of deep into the whole notion of offing myself. Not that I ever did/said anything inappropriate but I was always very jealous that she liked another kid more. Haven't seen her since she moved back to her homeland. Lots of other things happened here, but I don't think I can recollect all of them with any hope of accuracy.

Sorry for the overly long and self-indulgent post.

Generallyimpaired wrote:Thank you for the response.

you're welcome!

Generallyimpaired wrote:No recreational drugs involved.

good.

Generallyimpaired wrote:No traumatizing experiences of being hurt in the past, but I suppose I feel pretty bad about kind of not being there for my aunt who always seemed to want me around before she committed suicide. But I don't think I ever came to blame myself for it.

my deepest regret was that i couldn't bring myself to see my grandmother before she died of a degenerative disorder. i think everyone clocks up these sort of regrets. we learn through our mistakes. sometimes it's a very painful process.

Generallyimpaired wrote:Father left fairly early on, even though he was abusive he was never abusive towards anyone other than my mother and seemed very affectionate towards me. And although I was never a talker I've never had such profound anxiety about socializing until recently and this happened long ago.

as people mature they become more socially aware. this increased social awareness can cause increased anxiety, especially if one becomes aware of being different and not fitting in well with the crowd. i think this is particularly true of anyone with AS.

Generallyimpaired wrote:Middle school was strange for me, I was depressed the whole way through (runs in the family). I find myself reluctant to talk to most of the kids who came from that old school into my current high school just because they remind me of those times.

this is not unusual either. association is a very strong influence on people. most people try to avoid people or things or situations that bring back bad memories. the only way around this is to basically condition one's self to recognise that this is an irrational fear, assuming it is of course, and try to cope with it rather than running away, which just re-inforces the fear.

Generallyimpaired wrote:Small school, we all knew each others names etc.

there are pros and cons in this kind of situation. if one gets on with people it allows the development of deep and lasting bonds of friendship. if one doesn't then it limits the prospect of finding someone who does fit in well.

Generallyimpaired wrote:I ended up (probably inappropriately) infatuated with a girl who showed an unexpected amount of kindness(which I mistook for affection edit) toward me when I was kind of deep into the whole notion of offing myself. Not that I ever did/said anything inappropriate but I was always very jealous that she liked another kid more. Haven't seen her since she moved back to her homeland.

and you'd be surprised how many people go through this sort of experience too. you have to be able to put things in perspective and accept how things are and effectively move on. it's no good getting stuck in the past. i'll guess your insecurity stems from this relationship, where you failed to make known your feelings and therefore didn't get them validated or otherwise. you can't keep everything bottled up. you need to learn to trust yourself and to trust other people enough to express yourself openly. and you have to sart somewhere too. if it's just smiling at someone or saying hello or whatever. it all helps to get things moving and you learn by these experiences and get better at such interactions because of this and then life becomes both easier and more fulfilling. and perhaps one day you'll meet someone that has feelings for you too.

Generallyimpaired wrote:Lots of other things happened here, but I don't think I can recollect all of them with any hope of accuracy.

no problem!

Generallyimpaired wrote:Sorry for the overly long and self-indulgent post.

i can't agree that this was either overly long or self-indulgent. you're seeking help. how else are you supposed to do it!!!

when you're isolated socially then you may become paranoid.

I was diagnosed with aspergers when I was 6... I'm 20 now. I've learned to ignore the paranoia, I feel like everyone is against me when they're not. They only thing that has got me through it is treating people how you would like people to treat you, I have to think about it a lot harder as it doesn't come naturally to me. Consciously think that when your with someone especially someone who you used to be or should be close to because the more paranoid you get the more you will distance yourself. Its hard work getting back to the stage you were at before you had doubts about everyone, but once your there its easier to keep it that way.
Personally I find just going out and having a few drinks and opening up helps them realize that you've being going through a tough time if you tell them that and maybe apologies for being distant.

This is just how I deal with it lol, hope it helps =]

On an unrelated, mostly unrelated I suppose, note. Do you ever get over the extreme anxiety with large groups? I mean just talking with a group of 3 or 4 or lower is occasionally ok for me, but when it gets larger I just can't handle it.

Not stopping me from going to class, but you know the situations where everyone is supposed to talk, and you kind of throw things off by not participating. I worry I will make a mistake and my mind will fail me and I will just say something ridiculous. This will be amplified by my general lack of speaking outside these few little statements/actions and paint a image of me as inept, my flaws more visible.

Actually, at this very moment a party goes on above me with a few of my old friends and my elder brother. Being the good fellows they are, they are trying to draw me into the equation. It's just awful, there's women and everything, and my old enemy alcohol.

i'm not sure if what happens to me is paranoia so much as just general discomfort. for instance, i love watching live music... but don't do it often these days because i've stopped drinking and that crutch helped me get through those situations. i only go if it's a band i REALLY want to see.

last night i went to a show, as there was a band i really wanted to see. i got the old uncomfortable feeling. it doesn't matter how many people are standing there for me, one, two, three, more... i just generally don't know what to say. 'how are you' is just not in my vocabulary. when i say it, it feels all contrived and weird and like what i'm 'supposed' to say. so i don't. then, silence. someone asks me how i am, i say 'ok'... i know most people say good. i don't, unless i really am doing good. and then, silence.

then there's the problem of what to do with my hands and arms. cutting them off isn't an option... i'm always conscious of them, don't know where to put them. they usually end up in pockets. but i'm always conscious of where they are and what they're doing. that's annoying.

so last night i found a chair by a wall, and sat there and watched people be drunk. the music FINALLY started, and i was saved.

that's how i feel at a party, at a class, at a show, on the street if i see someone i know, wherever.

is it AS? i would guess that AS doesn't help the matter, but i suppose many other people struggle with it that don't have AS.

I have bouts of paranoia off and on, though my mom thinks it's probably not related to my Asperger's, but just one of my many psychological problems.

My last bout of paranoia was horrible; I began suspecting that my sister was jealous of my relationship with our mom and was trying to sabotage it. I began scrutinizing her every action, trying to find "evidence" to justify my fears. Our previously good relationship was damaged for months, because I rarely looked at her or spoke to her, and I couldn't even stand to be in the same room with her. On the few occasions I did speak to her, I was rude. I had convinced myself that she was the "bad sister", always out to ruin me, but in reality, I was the one acting horribly.

Eventually I wound up telling her the truth and apologizing for my behavior. Now our relationship is beginning to heal, and my paranoia is gone for the moment.

The best thing to counter paranoia is to think rationally, the simplest solution is usually the most plausible.

A. Everyone is acting a certain way to you because they are on you that you have difficulties with socializing.
B. People don't care and just act the way they do.

-> A. Paranoid
-> B. Most likely

I've had my episodes that I thought stuff was going on that concerned me and (stuff behind my back). I thought that everyone had a secret meeting and discussed my social progress through the ranks and came up with a plan of action. Gawd, it all sounds so silly. I still think it at times, but i know it's not the most plausible... must resist.

Sometimes I'm really in the dark about social stuff, but it still doesn't stop me from making friends and having fun.