I'm scared of talking to strangers and other things

1) Pretty much what the title says - I'm absolutely terrified of talking to people I don't know - staff in shops, people in my way getting off a bus etc., but amongst close friends I can be almost boisterous, and quite extroverted. I don't understand why I'm like that, especially as it leaves me feeling incredibly drained afterwards. Can anyone help?

2) I avoid telling people that I have Asperger's - I didn't put it on the form for entry to my new sixth form, for example, but unfortunately this habit of mine to conceal it has meant that my family almost completely ignore it, and when I ask them to change things that are upsetting me, such as background noise, or their proximity to me, they tend to either ignore me or make a joke out of it - the sound of people eating food is particularly hard for me to deal with and yet they say that by asking them if I can eat apart from them so I can avoid it, I'm being selfish and avoiding important family time. What can I do to explain to them that it's incredibly hard for me to cope with, bearing in mind that saying 'I'm finding this hard to cope with' or a similar phrase has never helped them to comprehend in the past? Furthermore, I find it hard to talk about my Asperger's to them, especially with my mum, as she either says I can 'use' it to gain funding for things or to increase my chance of getting into courses (I highly doubt she understands how these things work) or says that I'm just being silly/overreacting, and all of this greatly upsets me and often reduces me to tears.

I'm eternally grateful to anyone who can offer me advice.

Sofski, when I was young (say, little kid up to teen years), I was petrified of talking to people I didn't know well. Oh I could chatter on and on at home, but not with anyone else! This was a long time ago and aspergers was not known yet, and the only thing I knew was that I was "shy", but of course that's like calling a shark a guppy. But, that was the only label that was available, and I had no counseling or anyone else to lead me to knowing what it was or how to resolve it. So I just did the only thing I could think to do: I faced it, and tried to get over my fears by doing just what I was afraid to do. I tried to talking to people. It was HARD, and it took a lot of time, but the more I talked to people the easier it got. It never got "easy", just easiER. By the time I was in my, say, late 20's, I was at the point where I was just in the "normal shy" area, which is fine. I was happy with that.
So, practice does help, but it takes a lot of patience and a lot of work. I don't want to scare with how long it took me, but just remember it's all worth it and it WILL get better!

As far as your family, I'm sorry don't think I can give much advice there, as my family is totally different. I think others here might have some good words for you there though!

Sofski wrote:1) Pretty much what the title says - I'm absolutely terrified of talking to people I don't know - staff in shops, people in my way getting off a bus etc., but amongst close friends I can be almost boisterous, and quite extroverted. I don't understand why I'm like that, especially as it leaves me feeling incredibly drained afterwards. Can anyone help?

many years ago, well before i knew anything about asperger's syndrome, i read 'shyness' by philip g zimbardo. it was the first book i'd ever read that i could actually relate to experientially, and i'd read a lot of self-help books. if nothing else, i took away from it the knowledge that i was by no means the only person in the world with these difficulties. and, odd as it may sound, just that knowledge helped a lot.

the other thing i've realised as i've gotten older is just how little what i say or do really matters to other people. i used to think that i had to say and do everything just right so that i didn't offend anyone or end up looking a fool. and this fear of offending people or looking foolish used to quite literally completely paralyse me. indeed, i think it had much to do with my inability to learn to read and write at primary school. i was literally terrified of trying to read to people, my parents and teachers alike. and i remember having to give a talk to my english class at secondary school as being a particularly terrifying experience, or rather the prospect of having to do it was. and that was actually kind of a turning point because it turned out to be such a non-event. nothing remotely bad happened at all. and even at work, when i had to give presentations, i could do so because i didn't focus on the people attending, per se. for all intents and purposes, in my mind, the room could have been completely empty. and there was this one bit of advice that i got from a medium that i knew (odd place to be getting advice, you might think, but there it is!!!). and that was to treat it like an act and sort of bluff my way through it and that i would receive the appreciation i deserved. and, in a way, i think they were right. shakespear said: all the world's a stage and all the men and women mere players [upon it]. and i think that as in a play, if we can detach what we feel to be our true identity from the role we play in life then we don't feel quite as vulnerable or inhibited. but getting back to my original point in this para, by tomorrow chances are no one will remember what you said or did today, so why let the thought that they might make you miserable or stop you making the most of the opportunities that life presents to you???

Sofski wrote:2) I avoid telling people that I have Asperger's - I didn't put it on the form for entry to my new sixth form, for example, but unfortunately this habit of mine to conceal it has meant that my family almost completely ignore it, and when I ask them to change things that are upsetting me, such as background noise, or their proximity to me, they tend to either ignore me or make a joke out of it - the sound of people eating food is particularly hard for me to deal with and yet they say that by asking them if I can eat apart from them so I can avoid it, I'm being selfish and avoiding important family time. What can I do to explain to them that it's incredibly hard for me to cope with, bearing in mind that saying 'I'm finding this hard to cope with' or a similar phrase has never helped them to comprehend in the past? Furthermore, I find it hard to talk about my Asperger's to them, especially with my mum, as she either says I can 'use' it to gain funding for things or to increase my chance of getting into courses (I highly doubt she understands how these things work) or says that I'm just being silly/overreacting, and all of this greatly upsets me and often reduces me to tears.

i'm middle aged now. and when i get particularly stressed or just plain restless i still rock myself to sleep in bed. but for sure this isn't something that i feel remotely compelled to tell anyone!!! so, lets knock this idea that you ought to tell anyone you have asperger's syndrome on the head for starters. it's your diagnosis and it's your prerogative whether you disclose it or not!!! so, you're not 'concealing' it at all. you're exercising your right to privacy. there's a big difference here, i think.

and as far as your family is concerned, they're surely aware of your diagnosis. so, you can't possibly be 'concealing' it from them. that they choose to ignore it is really their choice. and people often do this when they don't know what else to do. most people simply aren't brave enought to say 'i don't know' in most situations. it makes them look a bit stupid, or so they might believe. people have to be either very brave or very naive to admit to their weaknesses or inabilities. and most aren't very naive. my advice here is to be as forgiving as possible. as jesus put it: father forgive them for they know not what they do.

now, it does seem to me that sensitivity to sound can be particularly problematic for people that have asperger's syndrome. but this isn't the world in which neuro-typicals live. they just can't relate to this. it's completely beyond their experience. ironic, when you consider that people that have asperger's sydrome are supposed to have a weak theory of mind, because neuro-typicals seem to fare no better in this area at times!!! i hate the noise that electric motors make. so, i disconnect the bathroom extactor fan whenever i have a bath. and i regularly get into trouble when i forget to reconnect it afterwards, despite making it quite plain that i don't like the sound it makes. also, when i was young i used to avoid watching television with my family because of the anxiety this caused me. fortunately, that was considered optional by my family, though they did feel a little ostracised over it. so, i do understand where you're coming from here. that said, i do think you may have to yield to your family's demands on this one. meal times are often seen as the family social event of the day. they are a time to share food and discuss the day's events. in short, they really are important. possibly, the best you can do is to try to negotiate a pattern of meal times whereby sometimes you share them with your family and sometimes you eat on your own.

and finally, regarding talking about your asperger's syndrome, i often tell people not to expect a diagnosis to change the way that they get treated by other people, because often it doesn't. and i think your frustration is simply an expression of this lack of recognition. i sometimes use the phrase 'failing to validate my existence' in such circumstances, not that this helps!!! and i guess you just need to accept that this is sometimes the way of things. as albert einstein put it: insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. so, if this upsets you then perhaps you would be better off not doing it anymore. now, i'm sure that isn't the answer that you really want. what you want is for your mother 'to valdate your existence' by saying 'oh yes, i do understand'. but that just isn't happening for you. and it may never happen either. and this is all a part of the process of growing up, i'm afarid. as we get older we learn that the people that we ought to be able to depend on and that ought to understand us completely actually we can't and they just don't. and it can hurt. but this is really the difference between a child and an adult. because children often can't cope with rejection and adults have to. so, i have to say again that you should try to be as forgiving as possible. because forgiving people their shortcomings stops them becoming a burden to you. bearing grudges is hard work and it's best not to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders if you can avoid it!!!

Sofski wrote:I'm eternally grateful to anyone who can offer me advice.

and i'm usually 'eternally grateful' to anyone who can offer me a banana!!! so, what's your advice to banana exchange rate like???

Well said Shock_the_monkey, Well said. I concur with his advice also. I just recently discovered the label of "Aspergers" and like Shock_the_monkey also said, it was just "shyness". my story is similar to his, as in facing my fears. Now I don't like talking to people and usually avoid if I can, but I do decent with talking to customers or people in general if I have to. But as for small talk, I have yet to figure that out but I'm getting better. We progress each day!

On the family side, all I can offer is my prayers that they will take you more seriously. That your need to be away from so and so while eating is REAL and needed. All these things are real and sometimes others don't understand, so they don't take it seriously.

Best of luck!

-Peaceful

Hi Sofski,

1) That sounds fairly typical for an Aspie, and I'm pretty much the same: there's no easy answer, but you just have to practice A) talking to strangers a bit at a time and not push yourself too much, and B) exerting less energy around those that you do know, in order to feel less exhausted afterwards; not easy I know.

2) Have you had an official diagnosis? If not, that could help a lot in getting it across to your family that you have real difficulties. I know what you mean about people eating, but I only get annoyed/irritated if they open their mouths while eating, that really does disgust me and I can't be around it, so is that the case at your house? - do people eat with their mouths open and talk at the same time? If so, I can completely understand what you mean and there's no way I would stay there. If they do eat with their mouths open, I would say 'could you please close your mouth while eating, as it's rude'.

I can also understand not even wanting to be in the room if they are eating with their mouths closed, as when I was younger, I refused to eat together on a Sunday after a certain age (as that was the only day we ate together as a family), although thinking back, that might have been mainly to do with the way my abusive father behaved, although the whole 'family social get together' was not something I particularly enjoyed either.