How to make and keep conversations with someone w/Asperger's

My ex has Asperger's and has been showing interest in possibly getting back together. One problem we had while dating was he felt that we did not have "good conversations." I would have to agree. There were a lot of lulls and I found him hard to converse with.

From my point of view, he doesn't ask very many questions...if any. Very rare. The only question he has ever really asked was "how was your day" or "how are things?" But he never asks anything specific or wonders about things in your life, which would help keep the conversation going. For the most part, his conversations would be him bragging about himself and things he's done. One of them being his special interest. I don't mind at all, I'm introverted and like listening. But I did find it hard to have a two-way conversation.

Being introverted, it's hard for me to be a chatty cathy. Does anyone have any tips for starting conversations and keeping them going? For example I am moving to a new apartment I am excited about in a week. To me, that would be an obvious easy conversation starter. "Are you all packed yet? What's the apartment like?" He hasn't asked me anything. Most of our conversations are just banter back and forth as we play an online game.

Should I just state "Well I'm almost done packing..." and just state things as though I have been asked? And if he gives one word short answers, what then?

I recently asked him about a football player being removed from a team and what he thought of the guy playing on another team. His response "well it couldn't get any worse." (more banter) Conversation over.... I don't know how to keep conversations going with him.

some people simply aren't good at conversations. and your ex is one of them!!! if this is a serious problem for you then perhaps you should be thinking twice about another run around the block with him.

i actually have the opposite problem with my special friend (though that might well be former special friend). whatever i ask her she takes as me being either intrusive or in some way doubting her. possibly that's her schizophrenia but it sure is a conversation killer!!!

shock_the_monkey wrote:some people simply aren't good at conversations. and your ex is one of them!!! if this is a serious problem for you then perhaps you should be thinking twice about another run around the block with him.

i actually have the opposite problem with my special friend (though that might well be former special friend). whatever i ask her she takes as me being either intrusive or in some way doubting her. possibly that's her schizophrenia but it sure is a conversation killer!!!

The problem is I feel like he blames me for part of the problem! Maybe that is just my perception of it. I'm surprised HE is thinking of another go since I had the impression he thinks it's an "us" problem. I can be shy and it takes me time to open up, but there are plenty of people I can talk to a lot and have no problems. And those people ask questions and we have a lot of back and forth. He also spends so much time in his special interests, it's a wonder he can talk about anything else at all.

I'd be curious to know how some of his dates have gone since we broke up and if he gained any insight into his own conversation ability.

GG33 wrote:The problem is I feel like he blames me for part of the problem! Maybe that is just my perception of it. I'm surprised HE is thinking of another go since I had the impression he thinks it's an "us" problem. I can be shy and it takes me time to open up, but there are plenty of people I can talk to a lot and have no problems. And those people ask questions and we have a lot of back and forth. He also spends so much time in his special interests, it's a wonder he can talk about anything else at all.

people that are self-preposesed tend to be pretty useless converationally. unless, that is, your idea of a conversation is more akin to a monologue than a dialogue. candidly, i don't think it's you!!!

GG33 wrote:I'd be curious to know how some of his dates have gone since we broke up and if he gained any insight into his own conversation ability.

men and insight - that sounds like a real non-sequitur to me!

My fiance and I sometimes have problems conversing. We generally don't talk very much though, but we enjoy listening to things. We often have something playing in the background when we're together, wether it'sa movie, youtube clips, music etc. It sometimes is a great source for conversation topics for us and we can talk around the same topic/clip/movie/etc for quite a while without actually saying much.

I think we're a good fit though, because we enjoy being together without feeling forced to talk.

maybe I need to give you my Ex wife contact info. We failed our relationship because we could not fix the misconnection. Even had issues with my X GF with it. But dont take it personally. You are not interested in different positions in Brazilian jiujitsu and how leverage and force can equate a more superior position.

I dont take offense to others not having the same interests as me. And .. just t clarify (im not a Marxist) you are not your day. Who you are and how you are interests me. The big girl who smelled real bad in front of you at the grocery store is not interesting.

I think the inability to pretend to feign interests is what many find most damaging to relationships.

I recognize what you wrote so much! When my boyfriend and I were still together, I always wondered why he didn't ask me anything. After being silent about it for a long time and listening to him when he shared about everything he liked (not personal things but things he was interested in, like the Bible), I spoke with him about it. He then asked me a question, but within 2 minutes we were back talking about his things. I am not shy but much of a listening person and like you, I wondered why I could talk with anyone else, even sharing the deepest things of my heart, but not with him. I did talk to him sometimes, sharing my heart, but never really with him. Anyway, I hope you took the right decision and that you're a happy girl/woman!! All the best!

You can't because he has Asperger's. The brain's neurology is completely different and even different genetics. He technically isn't even human. I know that I have never been able to have a proper conversation and probably never will. You can't just cure someone who has Asperger's.

I know for me personally part of the problem is that I genuinely do not care about anything other than myself. This is the same for most people who have Asperger's (real Asperger's, not just some socially awkward kid or someone with Schizoid Personality) they just won't admit it. When he says "how was your day" or "how are things?", he doesn't actually mean it or care about your answer. I remember myself I had to actually learn to say that to someone when I saw them or else I would be considered rude. I didn't have the innate knowledge to know to say this.

For example I'll just give you my perspective of what I would be thinking if someone asked me about a teammate being removed. I would first think what does it even have to do with you. I would then try to think why you would want to know about this, how does it benefit you, and what are you trying to gain. Since I am above average intelligence I realize that talking about it won't magically make my player return. I would honestly be unable to understand why you would ask me something like this so I would just give you a short response back that would terminate the conversation because it is pointless and I don't see why you would ask that.

Address his lacking conversational skills with him, see what he says, and ask that he, at the very least, makes a sincere effort to improve. Reciprocity is essential to any serious relationship; you contribute to a conversation, the fair thing for him to do is for him to contribute as well [granted equal reciprocity isn't realistic in this situation but this is a pretty extreme contrast in contribution]; yes it's harder for us, but aspies have average or higher IQ, most of us on here (and I'm assuming your ex) are not hovering over the aspergers/autism line, and we've had a decent amount of human contact growing up; so that being said it's not impossible to become bearable conversationalist with practice and hard work. So if he's using his aspergers label to excuse his not caring about carrying a conversation, then IMO he isn't good enough (for lack of a better term) to have a quality romantic relationship.

Maybe I'm being ultra-cynical and he really can't do much better conversationally, in that case if you still wanted to make it work, you would have to adapt to his "static" deficit and live without having real conversations in sit-downs. I don't think it makes you a bad person if this issue enough to break it off, not being able to carry a conversation at all is a pretty big deal.

Long story short, carrying a conversational is not impossible, it's harder for us, but how much an aspie cares about self improvement says a lot, and that amount of caring should become pretty obvious as time goes by.