Hopeless situation with my crush

Before I begin, this is a very complicated situation, so I hope you'll bare with me.

About 3 months before, things were great in my life. I had no real concerns or problems, only that I had a crush on this girl.

It was all great until I was stupid enough to tell her how I feel. She rejected me and things were a little awkward for a month, until I doubled my stupidity and told her I love her. ( I pulled a good old fashion "Ted Moseby", didn't I?) Again she rejected me, but this time she told me we couldn't be friends anymore.

I cried for the first time in a long time. Now I can't feel sad anymore. It just passes over to anger instantly.

I was lucky. Since she's such a nice girl, we became friends again. Allthough I still feel that this situation is hopeless.

Do you have any tips on what I should do?

I'm not sure exactly what you're asking. Are you asking what to do about her? Or what to do to get over her? Or where to go from here?

If it's what to do about her, well she made it clear how she feels now, so your best bet is to just be friends with her, and see what happens, but at the same time don't count on it being anything more. Who knows what could happen in the future, but for now, it's just friends.

How do you get over it? Time. Every kind of loss has a mourning that one must go through, and you're still mourning. And that's OK! Stages of feelings feel awkward for us aspies (assuming you are one?), and sometimes it's hard for us to actually pinpoint how we really feel and what we're supposed to do about it. But just remember that however you feel, is your own personal business and you have a right feel however you feel! What a person DOES is another matter, but feelings can't be helped, nor should they be. It'll take time, but it'll pass.

As far as where YOU should go from here? Well, count it as a learning experience that made you a wiser person for it. Experience is good! Doesn't always FEEL good, but in the end you have to go through stuff in order to learn.

This is life. I'm in my 40's, and in my lifetime I've broken hearts, had my heart broken, been used, been abused, been married, been divorced, now married again.... and now that my kids are closing in on their teen years I'm going to see them go through "all the stuff" too. You can say I've "been there, done that!"
Every experience in life, even the bad ones, make us who we are. I have a few regrets in my life, and believe me I've made some big blunders! But, most of the stuff I wouldn't change, because I'm wiser and more able to deal with whatever life wants to throw at me.

They always say "the first heartache is the hardest one to go through", and that's true for NT and aspie alike.

Sorry, I probably answered more than you asked but I just thought I'd cover all the bases, since this is stuff that most people through at some point!

my advice is this: trying to be just a friend to someone you love is a) painful and b) pointless. IIWY, i'd let this friendship go. i've been here and i really wish i'd done just that instead of deluding myself. and that's why i'm tell you to do what i didn't do myself. you're just waisting time on this friendship. it will never be what you want. you'd be better off looking elsewhere.

I agree with everything slugger said, and most of what shock said.

The one thing I wanted to add is a bit of a contrast to what shock said - but combined with what slugger said. If you're able to move your feelings from loss to that of being okay with her making the decision she made, then you can and should continue being friends. The issue comes down to how you can emotionally set yourself in this situation. If you can't emotionally be okay with her just being a friend with no foreseeable hope of obtaining a relationship with her, then you shouldn't associate yourself with her. In the end, you'd only cause yourself significant amounts of pain.

Friendships are kinda hard to come by though. If you're able to set yourself emotionally, and not be continually thinking in the back of your head about a possible relationship, then a friendship may be worth keeping.

It kinda depends...both shock and slugger are right. It kinda depends on if you can move on successfully or not to if you should remain friends or not....and only time may be able to tell for that.

TDT wrote:If you're able to move your feelings from loss to that of being okay with her making the decision she made, then you can and should continue being friends.

i personally was never able to do that. when i eventually told her how i felt about her, which must have been blatantly obvious, she replied: "i think you imagine things!". i have a lot of bitter sweet memories of her. she was my first love. and in my heart i still have feelings for her, even though i've not had any contact with her for somewhere around 10 years now. someone once told me that "it was a special friendship". but what's special about being made to feel worthless???

Thanks guys.

Your advices were good amd they made me feel better.

A special thanks to Slugger for taking the time to post the long reply (And yes, I am an aspie.)

Sometimes, but only sometimes, a friendship can turn to something more. It may not be the end. However, it will absolutely be if you can't find your way to being just a friend because she doesn't feel that way about you now. If you remain close, and then for some reason you date someone else, or at some point, it may just click. If it does, though, it's likely to be a ways out in the future, and it's not the probability. It's more likely that it won't ever happen, but I've seen it happen.

You have to decide whether if it's worth it to you to just be friends with her. It's a *REALLY* hard situation to be friends with someone that you love. Every time she dates someone, and she breaks up with them, you'll think, why wasn't it me? I would have treated her right. Why doesn't she love me? Why is it always some butthead that isn't worth her time? *I* would have treated her right..

And if you keep crossing that border and telling her how you feel, she will very likely break off the friendship. If you sit in the background, she may turn that corner, but you may sit there and wait for nothing. And you'll be hurting while you do it. Personally, I couldn't take it. Just ask shock how my emotions run rampant

it's only a decision that you can make. The likelihood is, she's not going to return your feelings. Kind of also depends on how selfless/selfish you are. If she needs a friend and you want to look out for her, then you could selflessly hang in there, just to make sure she's okay. That's a really tough road and one that will make you go insane. Really, you'll lose your mind. Mine departed a long time ago.

If you're selfish, then I'd say take off, or distance yourself at the very least. It's called self-preservation. And probably, I should follow more of my own advice.

But you know, you get to be selfish when it comes to protecting yourself. Sometimes you just have to be.

Oh, as a side note, when those few relationships that went from friendship to something else..well, went.. it was usually because the party in question stood to lose the one that loved them and it took that for them to realize that they felt the same way. Maybe the other party dated someone, or maybe they just had to say goodbye.

and if you shut the door, there is always the possibility that she falls for you and then you won't take her calls. Or text messages.

I'd say make a list of pros and cons. Think about it, and whichever decision makes you feel the best is the one to go with. Think long and hard about all scenarios that are a given.. as in, you stay friends, or you don't. You can't consider the one where you get the girl, because it's not likely.

-- Sat Apr 06, 2013 7:23 pm --

oh, and best of luck with whichever direction you choose.