Abused mother

[color=#8000BF]I'm married to a man who has asperger's and we have a 18mth little girl A. M has been emotionally Abusive to me most of our marriage and when i was pregnant it got worst. I have lost count of the times i have had to call the police, because he says he will kill himself. Then tells the doctors that he only does that for attention, to get help, once he admited that he does it to control me. he has only once hurt me two weeks ago, because i stood up to him. and i am trying to forgive him but i just can't now. He started again with the verble abuse, and another call to the police.
When is it the asperger's, or is it just him?
He has taken to the hospital by the police and i have told them i can't have him home tonight. But i am worried that if i leave him, he will be successful in killing himself. It effecting our daughter now and she is withdrawn from him and cry's for me and wont go to him for at least a week after every blow up.
Little A needs her father but when will the abuse go from me to her.
I need help or advise? or something. I have nothing left emotionally and i don't sleep. [/color]

There's a common theme on this forum that's important to keep in mind. Having Aspergers doesn't give a person the right to act inappropriately if they know what they're doing is wrong. Since you already told him what he's doing is wrong, and he's doing it for attention, then I don't really believe that one can say "oh it's the Aspergers, I'll forgive him".

Most people with Aspergers that I know aren't exactly into controlling other people. If your husband is doing this kinda stuff for the attention, and to control you, then that's just flat out 'wrong' - regardless of the Aspergers or anything. Verbal and emotional abuse are still forms of abuse, and you shouldn't have to take it.

Has he been seen by a psychiatrist recently to rule out any other mental disorder that's causing this? Almost kinda sounds like some form of bipolar to a degree..but I'm not sure. There are treatment options perhaps available that'll help his mood to even out a bit so he doesn't feel the need for this kinda attention.

The safety of your child is primary, though.

Has seen one recently and they think he has a personality disorder. BUt he doesn't agree and blames everything on me or his aspergers.
The fact he has hurt me, has put a new factor on it. I just don't trust him.

He may benefit from some kind of therapy. Have you explained your feelings about what's going on, and believe you both should see a marriage councilor for a little while? His perceptions may need a bit work...to try and be more "open" about other possibilities. The issue is, from his perspective, he may not see a problem currently. What he's doing he may think is 'normal'. He already stated he's trying to do it to get attention, but didn't go into why he wants that attention. Maybe if he can figure that out, he can stop with the attention issues which hopefully would work with the verbal abuse issues.

This all takes patience and time, though. You gotta ask yourself if you're able to stick that out, or if you're willing to. I'm not advocating leaving him, but I am bringing up the idea of "what makes you happy?"

He is getting councelling already. And i am too. But i have nothing left, to help our marriage or to even leave it. Every time i see my counceler she always reminds me of a safe plan, to keep me safe and little A.
He doesn't work, he doesn't cope being on his own. he is on the welfair because he can't work, or hold down a job. So how will he go on his own? Where will he live? How will he pay bills and rent? This stresses me out just thinking about it let alone trying to live through it.i do love him. and i really care for him too.
I used to be such a strong person, now i worry about just leaving the house.

This is going to sound a little cruel, but if he's abusive to you why would it be your job to care for him? If he can't make it in "real life", that's really his problem more than it being your problem. I think you caring is a nice thing to do, but at the expense of hurting yourself...not really worth it.

I'm not sure what your therapist means by a "safe plan", so if you can please elaborate more on what you mean here.

You may want to be just totally honest about you being at your limit, and needing his help. If he is serious about any of this, he'll work at his problems instead of feeling sorry for himself. If not, then again it shouldn't be your problem. Again, harsh wording, I know...but unfortunately it's the truth. In reality, you need to take care of yourself first so you can care for others. If your health/safety/sanity are at risk here, then you won't be able to care for yourself and eventually won't be able to care for him either. In the end you'll just be brought down with him, and unhappy as a result.

You should talk to him about this, but be open and honest about what's going on in your brain related to this. If you're at your limit, tell him.

firstly, i don't think this is directly related to asperger's, though it may be a contributary factor. rather, i see this as reactive depression. and i don't think he's actually intending to abuse you by saying he wants to kill himself. i think he's genuinely in a lot of psychological pain and this is the only way he knows how to express it. even his physical violence towards you is most likely to be an expression of that situation rather than any real desire to hurt you. from what you say, it sounds to me like he ougth to be under a section. the mental health act is there for the safety of others as well as him, and he does appear to be a potential threat to your safety at the moment. really, there's little you can do to resolve this situatuon. he needs professional medical help. and hospital is definitely the best place for him currently. you need to put your needs and your childs needs first in this situation, because they are effectively one and the same, and insist that he not come home until he's improved markedly. try to take this opportunity to recouperate and think more clearly about your situation. i know thinks appear to be bleak at the moment. but with the right medical help for him they can get better for all of you.

thanks so much for your Reply's. It's helping me to get my head around what is going on. They are keeping him in hospital again tonight and want to change his meds. But the need to review all the medications he has been on and work out something better.
having this break of just today has helped. I've been able to get some house work done and visit my sister with out feeling guilty.
What i mean by a "safety Plan" is: My counselor talks me through step by step of what i need to do when M is worked and becoming abusive. Meaning, Always have the nappy bag pack and always ready to go,even better in the car, having my car keys hand to grab. That i keep my mobile on me so i can call 000 at any time i need. and so on...
Thanks for being blunt, i have needed it.

i think you both need time to recover and i think you need to insist that he not return home until this has happened. and when he does it needs to be on a phased basis and subject to review too. be very blunt with the hospital about how afraid you are of him at the moment. they can't ignore that. if something happened to either you or your child they'd be liable.

The "mental institution" often takes in people who are considered at risk of harming themselves or others. The one I was briefly committed to wouldn't release people who had nowhere to go. It may seem cruel to institutionalize him, however if you did so and told the staff that you didn't want him coming home (until you felt you could trust him again. If ever.), perhaps they wouldn't release him.

You may feel that Little A needs her daddy, and maybe she does, but she needs a daddy who doesn't frighten her or mistreat her mother. Your daughter is already being exposed to unhealthy and frightening behaviour, and that isn't right. No child needs that. She'd be better off if it was just you and her. Think about it: What are you teaching her by staying in that situation? My friend used to be in an unhealthy relationship where her partner always threatened suicide when my friend was ready to call it quits. A guilt-control-manipulation tactic same as your husbands. I told her she should just pack her stuff, little by little so her partner wouldn't really notice (my friend didn't have much), and one day while her partner was out, just leave. "But she'll try to kill herself!" my friend protested. I told her if she was so worried about it, to call 911 on her partner and explain the situation "My partner has been threatening suicide if I should leave her, but I can't take this unhealthy relationship anymore. I'm leaving while she's out but I'm worried she might actually go through with it when she comes home and sees I'm gone. Could you please stop by and check on her in a couple hours?" My friend never actually followed through with the advice. A glutton for punishment, I guess. Anyways. I'm giving you the same advice. Get out while you can and give your daughter and yourself the life you both deserve.

Sometimes by doing the "unthinkable", you force a person to wake up and face their issues. He doesn't believe you'll actually leave, and he acts in a way that says he only cares about himself. By committing him, or leaving, or both, he'll have no choice but to face facts and realize that his behaviour is unacceptable, selfish, and completely wrong. Don't raise your daughter in a battlefield. He can control his actions. She can't control where she lives. But you can. She is your number one priority now, not him. Don't raise her in an environment where psychological, mental, and emotional abuse are common. She'll grow up thinking its normal, its okay. She'll grow up to disrespect you, to despise him, and to hate herself. She'll end up in relationships where she's being treated as badly as you currently are or where she treats her partners badly. Its possible she may not, but the majority of the time that's what happens to children raised in tumultuous environments. She's already crying out for help, you said so yourself. She doesn't need that daddy. She's afraid of him. Gtfo and do what's right for her!!!!