I have a feeling that my partner may have aspergers...

I'm going to be straight up and admit that I really don't know too much about this, but I've been noticing things about my partner that is making me wonder if he has aspergers.

When I first met him I thought he was just extremely shy. I found it very hard to talk to him and he also seemed to have difficulty looking at me. I have social anxiety so I mostly thought it was me making the situation a little awkward. When he talks to people other than close friends and family he has difficulty talking to them. They will ask him questions and he will answer them (usually with a yes or no response) and then look away. The first time I saw this happen he was around my family but then I saw him with his own family and he was still doing it. His body language shuts down conversations. He will look away from them or even turn his whole face away and it seems like he just doesn't like the person he's talking to. He's told me before that he just doesn't know how to act in situations like that and feels really guilty that he can't talk back no matter how much he wants to.

I also noticed very quickly that he seemed to take everything very literally. When I would joke he would argue with me and almost give a lecture on why my joke wasn't possible. At one point we had an argument about something and I told him that he 'threw me under the bus' and he got really upset about that. He told me that there was never a time where he had ever attempted to throw me under a bus and would never try to hurt me like that. I told him that I didn't mean it literally and he said "Oh well that doesn't make sense then, why did you say it?". He does this in nearly every conversation we have and it can often turn into an argument. He also gets rather upset when people greet him saying "Hi, how are you?" at work and then just walk off. He doesn't understand why people ask you questions without waiting for you to answer. He also doesn't know if he should follow them to respond or just let them go. He just gets really confused with things like that.

I don't know if this has anything to do with aspergers or not but he doesn't seem to understand that just because he likes or dislikes something doesn't mean that other people have to have the same opinion as him. The same goes with knowledge, he thinks if he knows something then everyone else should know it as well. He's really good with maths and scientific things, where I have great difficulty with maths and most science subjects but am really good with arty things. If I don't know how to do a math equation or whatever he will get quite angry at me and nothing I say will make him understand that it's just not an area that I'm good in. He thinks that I should naturally know square roots of numbers easily and know all of the numbers in pi or whatever it is. This happens with everything that he have different opinions on, even T.V shows can become an argument because he likes/doesn't like it and everyone else should feel the same way.

I understand that no one other than a professional can diagnose him but all these things make me wonder if he may have this and so I was just wondering what other people thought.

Pi doesn't end..so you can't know all the numbers in pi.

Well..he could have some AS-like traits, but you're right - only a professional can diagnose it.

Do you believe that the diagnosis is the more important thing here, though? I think a better question would be that regardless of the diagnosis, can you or would you be willing to deal with these (what you find, to be anyways) issues? I think that's the real question.

Also, did you talk to him about these particular worries/concerns?

I definitely don't think the diagnosis is the more important thing. The main reason why I wanted to know if it sounded like it could be AS is because I felt like there may be something I could do to help. For example...instead of getting frustrated because he is taking things I say literally I feel I could be more aware of how my words might be interpreted and explain myself better. The same thing goes with him not being able to put himself in my position when it comes to thoughts, feelings and opinions...I'd be able to stop and try to understand it MORE from his point of view.

Basically, I feel if I had a better understanding about what is going on it would help our communication a lot more. So....regardless of the diagnosis I would be willing to TRY to deal with these things, but I'd try even harder if I knew the reason why these things were happening.

I've tried talking to him about some of these things but it seems to be a bit of a touchy topic for him. Last weekend he told me that he's worried that there may be something going on with him and he was rather harsh on himself about it. I feel like if I tried to talk about any of these things right now that he may take it in a bad way and that's not something I want to happen.

Totallylost wrote:I definitely don't think the diagnosis is the more important thing. The main reason why I wanted to know if it sounded like it could be AS is because I felt like there may be something I could do to help. For example...instead of getting frustrated because he is taking things I say literally I feel I could be more aware of how my words might be interpreted and explain myself better. The same thing goes with him not being able to put himself in my position when it comes to thoughts, feelings and opinions...I'd be able to stop and try to understand it MORE from his point of view.

Well, you already know that he takes things literally. Regardless of the AS or not, stopping and trying to understand is your best bet at this point. The simple fact is, he's taking things literally...only thing you can do about it is be aware of it, and be careful with what you say...or at least explain the phrases you use.

Basically, I feel if I had a better understanding about what is going on it would help our communication a lot more. So....regardless of the diagnosis I would be willing to TRY to deal with these things, but I'd try even harder if I knew the reason why these things were happening.

Well, the reasons are simple. Either it's AS, or it's his personality....but you know, both are one and the same in this case.

If you care about him a lot, I'd recommend trying just as hard regardless of the reason. I know having a label on it may make you feel more "sorry for him", but trust me..he doesn't want that. He wants to be treated just like anyone else, and thinking of this as a disease will push him away.

Trust me when I say that people with AS are likely not going to want to be felt sorry for, nor want special treatment because of it. Now...a diagnosis may help *him* understand why he is how he is. Quite honestly, between you understanding or him understanding, him understanding is far more important in this case. If he suffers from low self esteem in any way, this may help him understand why he's the way he is.

I've tried talking to him about some of these things but it seems to be a bit of a touchy topic for him. Last weekend he told me that he's worried that there may be something going on with him and he was rather harsh on himself about it. I feel like if I tried to talk about any of these things right now that he may take it in a bad way and that's not something I want to happen.

I think, for many, mental conditions are topics which are a little hesitant on talking about. I know, at least from my family upbringing, that stuff like depression, anxiety, AS, etc was something that was forbidden to even be discussed and often time made fun of in a way. I had a similar mindset for a few years after I moved out and am only more recently more open to mental conditions.

He may take it bad, but quite honestly if your reason for talking to him about it is a good reason, then you're okay. You just gotta ask yourself why you want to tell him about his AS, or get him tested. Is it more for you, or more for him? If it's more for him, then you're probably doing the right thing...if it's more for you, then....

TDT wrote:Well, you already know that he takes things literally. Regardless of the AS or not, stopping and trying to understand is your best bet at this point. The simple fact is, he's taking things literally...only thing you can do about it is be aware of it, and be careful with what you say...or at least explain the phrases you use.

If you care about him a lot, I'd recommend trying just as hard regardless of the reason. I know having a label on it may make you feel more "sorry for him", but trust me..he doesn't want that. He wants to be treated just like anyone else, and thinking of this as a disease will push him away.

Yeah, you're right. After I'd written this I was thinking "I should probably be doing that anyway" I also do not think of AS as a disease.

Trust me when I say that people with AS are likely not going to want to be felt sorry for, nor want special treatment because of it. Now...a diagnosis may help *him* understand why he is how he is. Quite honestly, between you understanding or him understanding, him understanding is far more important in this case. If he suffers from low self esteem in any way, this may help him understand why he's the way he is.

You're right once again. Him understand himself IS much more important. As far as me feeling sorry for him...I wouldn't exactly feel that way towards him. I would feel more of a need to be as supportive as I can and just be there for him. I would also want to learn about AS with him so I could be there if he needed me to be. I can see how that may come across as me feeling sorry for him though. It could even come across as me 'babying' him, or just be completely unwanted and smothering.

He may take it bad, but quite honestly if your reason for talking to him about it is a good reason, then you're okay. You just gotta ask yourself why you want to tell him about his AS, or get him tested. Is it more for you, or more for him? If it's more for him, then you're probably doing the right thing...if it's more for you, then....

I've mentioned to him before about taking things literally and asked him if there was a possibility he could have AS. He quickly shut me down and I may have gone the wrong way about it in the first place. The reason why I mentioned it to him at that point was because he'd told me about how he feels when people ask how he is without actually wanting to know. He was getting quite upset about it and started talking about other things that people do. It was probably the wrong time for me to say anything because it probably came across as though I were telling him that there was something wrong with him...which wasn't my intention at all. Now I have no idea how to bring it up again.

Even though everything I've written in here has been me, me, me, my reasons for bringing it up to him would be more for his sake. There's more to this than just our relationship and how it makes me feel. I'm concerned for him because of how it affects his friendships and is now affecting is work. He spent over an hour trying to reply to an email for work because the person left out the T in 'not'. He didn't know how to respond because he couldn't tell if it was just a spelling mistake or intentional. When I read the sentence he was stuck on it seemed clear to me that it was definitely just a spelling mistake but he just couldn't get past it. Almost everything this person says, be it in email or in person, he second guesses because he doesn't know if this person was serious or not, or if he had chosen the right words.
Regardless of all of that he's been working really hard and doing a good job too. He works until early hours into the morning just to get everything done. The only problem is he is giving his work to this person and hasn't been paid, nor has he signed a contract. He just trusts what this person says and hopes that he will eventually get paid. I'm quite worried about him.

Thank you for taking the time to reply and help me out. Thank you for also helping me see that this is more about him. I really appreciate it!

Sorry if what I've written has been jumbled or hasn't made sense, it's almost 5am and I still haven't gone to sleep.

What you wrote is fine, and easy enough to understand.

You may benefit from a different approach. There are some "tests" available, and in some ways you can take it for him to get an idea of where he's at on the scale. These are not scientific, thus you need to be careful with the results. They are a good "ballpark" in terms of where someone can be at. You can find information on that in the stickies.

If he's resistant on talking about AS right now, then you shouldn't continue to bring it up. Instead, read up on it on your own, and see if it fits. When things are better, and he's more willing to listen to the option then bring it up.

In regard to emails and so on - you may just want to offer the option of him forwarding some of these emails to you so you can help edit them. Email has no non-verbal communication aspect, so people can come off as being angry or happy when they really aren't. It's really hard to tell. For those with AS, talking to someone in person is also hard to tell the same things too. If this is only one person he's not sure with, maybe it's best to ask your partner to discuss the confusion in the email with who sent it. I ran into that issue in my job, where I couldn't really tell sarcasm very well. My bosses all picked up on it, and they now know not to use it. A lot of times, I'll prefix a conversation with someone (e.g. if I'm teaching some skill) with saying "I need you to tell me if I'm going too fast, or if you don't understand - I can't tell really well otherwise." These limitations, and knowledge of these limitations can exist without the label of AS.

And you're welcome for the help, hopefully you two can work through this well.