feeling lonely need advice.

Ok so firstly hi this is my first post on here i have been diagnosed with asperger's since the age of 8-9 (i am currently 22) i have a good group of friends not many but they are good and they all know about it. But for a while know i have been feeling very lonely i am the only single one in my group of friends and its gotten to the point where i spend time with them and i feel horrible and need to walk away. I have been wanting to date for around two to 3 years now but just haven't had any luck with meeting people. They have spoken to me about it but we are a very closed group and don't really get many new people often.

Is it normal to feel like this for people with asperger's i read that a lot of us don't want to get married or have family's Is this true. i have tried dating sites a lot to find someone but just cant seam to get someone interested and its getting me down a lot. i recently made friends with a women online who might of been interested but we have just become friends which has happened which all of my interests the last 3 years and after this i feel so much worse then before as it was a chance of a lifetime and we clicked so well which has never happened before.

I dont know what to do my friends have said that u don't need someone else to be happy but i just keep feeling down and after this last time i feel horrible and just cant work out what to do. can any aspies lend a hand with this as i want a opinion from people who share the condition.


p.s sorry about the spelling and grimmer i suck at these posts.

It's kinda ironic you posting this, as I have been recently thinking about the same thing.

I think that many people, not just Aspies, feel lonely at times.

For the aspie in me, I go through ups and downs in regard to this feeling. I sometimes compare myself to others, and say "why do they have this, they have it perfect, and maybe I should do this to?" I then also feel "lonely". When with others, though, I can only take so much before I feel exhausted and want to be alone. So...it's kinda a "danged if you do, danged if you don't" sorta thing.

I think that it's not uncommon for those with AS to not want to get married or have a family..but I wouldn't say that it's necessarily uncommon for those with AS to get married and have families either.

I think a better question to ask yourself is "what you want in life?" Your friends are right in that you don't need someone to be happy, but for some people you're going to be more happy with the right person. You may have reached a time in your life where you feel like you need someone. Is that bad? Personally I don't think so...but as I was saying before, I think many people feel lonely - even with someone. Being happy with yourself is the most important goal, I believe.

Does this make sense?

In regards to myself, I'm kinda going through something similar but less with relationships and more with just general friendships. I had a few friends over yesterday, and really enjoyed it...so yeah.

basically we're social by nature. only those with more severe autistic traits tend to be happy with complete isolation. that's by no means normal. most people need someone special in their lives to feel complete. i see no reason whatsoever to try to deny this.

now, you say you've had a number of relationships with women that have just turned into friendships. so, you're not doing too badly. if you can have a friendship with a woman you can get a girlfriend too. but i can tell what you're doing wrong here. you're not trying to court them. you're treating them as friends from the get go. the hard part of any relationship is that you have to give a lot of yourself emotionally and you might not get much back. it can hurt. but as the old saying goes: no pain, no gain.

in my experience there are two things that women find irresistable: little gifts like flowers or chocolates and putting them at their ease and making them laugh. if you can do that you'll easily find a girlfriend. things that women find distinctly unattractive are a lack of self-confidence and being treated like a posession rather than a person. always ask lots of questions. women love nothing better than to talk about themselves. and try to be genuinely interested too. most women can tell instantly if it's just an act and that won't go down too well either. but perhaps most of all just relax and be yourself. because after the inintial courtship is over it helps enormously if you are actually compatible with the object of your affections, and she with you too.

i'll tell you one thing that i realise now was a major factor in building my relationship wih my special friend. i wanted her to have something to show her how special she is to me. so i bought her an item of jewellery (i actually looked at it in the shop window for a good month or more before i plucked up the courage to buy it). it was rather expensive. anyway, she absolutely lit up when i gave it too her. in fact i've never seen anyone be so delighted by anything before in my entire life. and although i hadn't exactly planned for such a reaction, i do at least now know that she knows how i feel about her. and although she never actually says so in so many words, i have a good idea that she feels much the same way about me too.

shock_the_monkey wrote:the hard part of any relationship is that you have to give a lot of yourself emotionally and you might not get much back. it can hurt. but as the old saying goes: no pain, no gain.

Unfortunately, this is all too true...and sometimes it can *really* hurt too. I had that happen to me...sunk in so much time and emotional energy into someone to not have it work out. I'm still recovering, hurt like hell though...still does.

TDT wrote:Unfortunately, this is all too true...and sometimes it can *really* hurt too. I had that happen to me...sunk in so much time and emotional energy into someone to not have it work out. I'm still recovering, hurt like hell though...still does.

it took me well over 10 years to recover from my 'first love'. back then i'd never heard of AS. so, i had no idea what i was doing wrong, or rather, how she percieved me. looking back, i can see that she just wouldn't have understood why i was so 'emotionally cold' towards her, even though beneath that exterior i loved her very deeply. i remember being told by a mutual friend that she didn't know what i wanted from her. i guess we were both very confused, really. i can now see that my AS has a profound effect on this relationship. and neither of us knowing what the problem was meant that things just fizzled out between us. but also, i now realise that she didn't really love me either. the problem was that i had no real idea how people were supposed to behave when they're in love. and i guess i mistook what was basically a rather special friendship as something more. this time i've made sure that my special friend knows everything i can tell her about my social limitations. and i think that's helped her understand me a lot. i make a point of telling her that she need to be very explicit with me about anything that might be upsetting her because i can't tell otherwise. and that helps avoid any misunderstandings between us. but also, i think i've become a bit pholosophical about all this over the years. i can only ever do my best. if that ultimately turns out to not have been enough, at least i'll have tried. and at least i'll have some fond memories to look back on too. but so far things are going very well between my special friend and me.

Hey all, I am an aspie too. And I empathize with you people on your relationship problems. I myself have had 2 relationships that didn't even last 2 weeks. I put all my time with them and then they just kick me to the curb, I just feel used. It's really breaking my heart to say this but I am afraid of opening it up to someone else only to feel the same pain again.

If only I could find the right woman who knows how to treat me right and due onto the same to her.

Alex8725 wrote:If only I could find the right woman who knows how to treat me right and due onto the same to her.

I have a feeling most everyone would say the same thing

My big problem is relationships/friendships is I ask myself something like "okay, if I have one, then what?" I've had times where I wished for something (and changed the environment), such as trying to be around people more often, and in the end wasn't any more "happy". Many times quite the opposite, actually.

A very nice quote I read recently went along the lines of: "The biggest problem in life is how we think it should be", or something to that effect. What that meant to me is that a lot of times I feel lonely or wish for social relationships because I think that's how it should be.

Learning to be happy with what I have would be nice..and not compare myself to others so much.