Cycles

Hi ladies and gents, Its been some time since my last post so I'll try not go too far off tangent.

I joined here in Nov '10 and wrote one of those, "is this xyz type posts" and have had chequered/sporadic interest [in coming here] since then. I guess, I'm struggling at the moment, though it seems hard to admit it again. After finding out about Aspergers there was an initial uplifting feeling, an "aaahhh" type moment if you will, that lasted a while and did have a positive impact. Positive, because I started to give myself less of a hard time about the things I find difficult (less mental torture is always nice) and had a sustained period of self discovery/acknowledgement where I felt a bit less stressed/unhappy with life.

However, since then I no longer "push" myself to do anything. I'm still as reclusive as I was on my first day at work - (an ex employee visited our work place not long ago and commented how I was still hiding at my desk) and its been 3 years. Her comment annoyed me but I know that she was right.

I guess in starting to accept myself, I made it ok (in my own head) to not do the things I find difficult - namely socializing or anything with groups. The stress levels in these situations are still so high (unless I've known everyone for a very long time) and its enough on its own to put me off engaging in it/them. Part of the problem with this is that I have a gf who would like to do all of this stuff and I suspect my lack of interest is bringing her down as she lacks the confidence to find her own happiness indepedantly of me.

When I was younger I just used to get heavily drunk (and it was sort of seen as ok due to my youth). In addition, when you are younger, nobody notices/cares if you don't contribute much to a group because your not really supposed to be interesting anyway (unless your hot young chick but then thats for different reasons) and they can tag you with "shy" label. With male friends its easier because you can always fall back on talking about girls or football in my case. As a fully mature/rounded adult thats no longer the case though and you are expected to make more of a contribution. Indeed, I can be considered "fun" if I get heavily drunk but I've have chosen not do so as part of this aforementioned self discovery - but because of it my discomfort feels amplified.

Anyway, I've digressed slightly. The point is that I still spend too much time fantasising (for want of a better word) about the life I would like to have/lead and never do a god damn thing about it. I suspect its a deep rooted self-esteem/confidence/fear of failure thing and yet still I can't get passed it despite knowing this - so I feel trapped. The "Cycles" in the post title refers to the fact that I seem to need to cling to an idea of the better life, whatever it is that I think that is [try saying that fast] at the time and never follow it/them through anyway. I'm started to get bitter/resentful with myself and my previous life choices, my lack of action, and at times intense envy of those that have the things I think I want. I feel that life is slipping me by even though im only 33. Yet...I may wake up tomorrow and think/feel differently. Or...that might be 6 months away and another years gone by (I think in terms of academic years) where I'm still exactly the same no life ###$ up.

I thought the knowledge of AS/AD would help me improve my life and it hasn't I just beat myself up in other ways now.


ps. Sorry for the script length post and particularly pertinent question/s

pps. Familiar???!!??

I think this will sound familiar to a lot of us. Motivation is something that I struggle with a lot too, and I have had long bouts of depression in my life. Beating myself up is a regular occurrence.
It's tough, when you know that most people don't really understand you.

For you, I think it sound like you're not really sure what it is you want. Not your fault, after all how can you know what you want when you haven't had the chance to experience much? That being said, it is good to get out of your comfort zone and try to socialize. It doesn't mean you have to go big parties and deal with large crowds, but smaller gatherings and just trying to talk to more people a little at a time. Personally I do use alcohol when socializing, but I don't get "heavily drunk" (except the rare occasion, but that's different). One or 2 light drinks is enough to calm me enough to deal with a family gathering or get-together with my husband's friends.

There are others here who can probably give you more and better advice but I mainly just wanted to say that yes, I'm familiar, and understand where you're coming from!

I haven't posted here in ages either but dropped in, read your post and felt the need to comment. It isn't just you. Seriously, I could have written your post myself. Mid 40's dx'd about 5 years ago and constantly being haunted by memories of how I screwed up so many opportunities. I find myself looking at the younger me with a mixture of pity and contempt in full knowledge of how pointless and unfair this thinking is.

I found that on diagnosis, there was a little peak of euphoria attached to realisation of why my childhood and teenage years had seemed so stressful. That didn't last long though and I find it increasing difficult to give a toss about the things that seem to appeal to the population in general. I'm assuming that like the euphoria, the miserable git phase will pass but it does seem to have been dragging on somewhat.