Are AS men able to have normal, loving intimate encounters?

Hi everyone,
I haven't posted here in over a year but I'm a bit concerned about something.

I am pretty much entirely sure now that my husband of 12 years has AS. Our intimate life has never been very good, One of the main problems I see is that he tries so hard to please me that he ends up getting stressed out and disappointed if the fireworks don't go off. It's like, he's too intense about it...I want him to just relax and enjoy himself, you know? So I suggested a little while ago that sometimes he should not worry about pleasing me at all, but just do what HE likes.

He said "You mean, you want me to just USE you?" I answered "Well, you could put it that way I guess...whatever you want, as long as you don't injure me." (which I said with a laugh)

Well, last night we were intimate...and I was very disturbed to find that when he followed my advice about just pleasing himself, it meant being violent basically. He pushed my head forcefully into the wall, he grabbed me violently, he hurt me a lot, and I'm sorry to say I am quite bruised today in areas I'd rather not mention.

I am hurt and disappointed that when sex happens just the way he likes, it means violence and hurting me. Now I have to wonder, is this normal for an AS man, or even normal for men in general? Am I overreacting by being hurt? I know that there are many...styles of intimacy out there, but when we are talking about two people who are in a (hopefully) loving marriage, I would really like to think that there would be more of a loving touch there.

He has in the past often pulled my hair very hard during sex, also badly hurting me. I really don't get why it's such a turn on to him to hurt me.

So is loving intimacy too difficult for him? What should I do about this? Because I am not happy with being abused this way, it was not at all what I meant when I suggested he please himself.

Thanks.

I am really sorry to hear this because I have no good answers.
First, I do not believe that his desire for violence is related to AS. If he has AS, it's coincidental to this (However, I am a female so the guys here may correct me).
That being said, whether it's related or not, woman-to-woman here, it is NOT "normal" (that is, it is not something that a person ought to be expected to just accept), and in my opinion you are not overreacting at all. Personally I could never be with a man like that. Yes there are all types of desires, and if both people in a relationship like the same things, then fine, whatever they want to do is up to them. But my hackles go up like crazy when I see something like this. It changes a woman to be treated like that, and only in a bad way. If you try to just accept it and "live with it", you WILL end up resenting him, and you'll end up dreading sex, and both of those things (resentment, and bad sex) are doom on a marriage. But on the other hand if you tell him you can't ever do that again, HE may end up resenting because he can't do what pleases him, and I hate to say but all I can see here is a "catch-22".
I don't know what else to tell you, unless perhaps he can see a psychologist about WHY he desires that, and maybe he can uproot the reason and put it away.

Thank you for your response slugger. I would love for him to see a psychologist but I know he would never go. He has always refused any suggestion on my part to see a professional about anything. Too bad, because I know he has a lot of issues, even beyond AS...this latest thing just confirms for me that it likely isn't going to be possible for us to have a loving, healthy relationship. I am very sad about this. Every time it seems like things are getting better he does something really disturbing like this.

Miriamele wrote:So I suggested a little while ago that sometimes he should not worry about pleasing me at all, but just do what HE likes.

He said "You mean, you want me to just USE you?" I answered "Well, you could put it that way I guess...whatever you want, as long as you don't injure me." (which I said with a laugh)

Well, last night we were intimate...and I was very disturbed to find that when he followed my advice about just pleasing himself, it meant being violent basically. He pushed my head forcefully into the wall, he grabbed me violently, he hurt me a lot, and I'm sorry to say I am quite bruised today in areas I'd rather not mention.

i strongly suggest you carefully read what you wrote here. because you've basically given him your permission to do whatever he did. you really can't blame him for it, which is exactly what you appear to want to do. surely you know people with AS are very literal and wouldn't necessarily pick up on any irony or dark humour. my advice is that you tell him ASAP that this wasn't at all what you really meant and that you'd like him to forget that you ever said it. hopefully he'll take that as literally as he did what you previously told him and that will redress your current concern. going forward, i suggest you try some positive and negative reinforcement techniques. be very forthright with your feedback, ie: say what you like and say what you don't like. it appears to me that like a lot of women you're being too passive and expecting him to read your mind. most men are bad at this. men with AS are atrocious at it. and that's your real problem. you're expecting him to please you, in whatever way, but not telling him what pleases you or how he might go about doing it either.

shock_the_monkey wrote:i strongly suggest you carefully read what you wrote here. because you've basically given him your permission to do whatever he did. you really can't blame him for it, which is exactly what you appear to want to do. surely you know people with AS are very literal and wouldn't necessarily pick up on any irony or dark humour. my advice is that you tell him ASAP that this wasn't at all what you really meant and that you'd like him to forget that you ever said it. hopefully he'll take that as literally as he did what you previously told him and that will redress your current concern. going forward, i suggest you try some positive and negative reinforcement techniques. be very forthright with your feedback, ie: say what you like and say what you don't like. it appears to me that like a lot of women you're being too passive and expecting him to read your mind. most men are bad at this. men with AS are atrocious at it. and that's your real problem. you're expecting him to please you, in whatever way, but not telling him what pleases you or how he might go about doing it either.

Thank you. I did not want to blame him for anything necessarily, but I was just disturbed that him pleasing himself meant hurting me. I don't understand why he wishes to be violent with me - but maybe this is a male thing that I just don't understand. It is not true that I expected him to please me last night, I am totally all right with the focus being on him now and then, that is what I wanted in fact, I just did not expect to be actually injured. If you read my original post, you would see that I said to him beforehand that I did *not* want him to injure me, and I said it jokingly because I never dreamed he actually DID want to hurt me. Maybe he took the chuckle to mean something else.

I will take your advice and speak to him frankly about this. Perhaps it is just an AS-related misunderstanding; but I still feel disturbed that after everything, he enjoys physically harming me.

shock_the_monkey wrote:because you've basically given him your permission to do whatever he did. you really can't blame him for it, which is exactly what you appear to want to do. surely you know people with AS are very literal and wouldn't necessarily pick up on any irony or dark humour. my advice is that you tell him ASAP that this wasn't at all what you really meant and that you'd like him to forget that you ever said it.

I usually agree with you Shock, but not in this case. Yes you're right in general about the "taking things literally", however the problem here is much deeper than that. For instance, if she had said something like "Spank me" and meant it in a playful way, and he accidentally smacked her too hard, that would be one thing, and then I would agree with you. But that's not what's happening here. She really did mean it literally when she told him that she wants him to be "pleased" too, not realizing what it was he was going to actually want. And it turned out that what he wants is something that is out of the realm of acceptable behavior. She did not expect that, and it means that they want two very different things out of their intimate contact.
If I understand you (Shock) correctly, you're saying that it's a problem of communication. What I'm saying is that communication is the least of their worries if his idea of intimacy is to give her bruises.

Miriamele wrote:but maybe this is a male thing that I just don't understand.

No. Real men do not wish to injure a woman.

i'll try to be brief, slugger. i don't think he intended to hurt her. i think he just didn't realise that he was hurting her. and i think that perhaps men are more physical in this regard than women. men have to be the active party in these matters whilst women can be more passive. i'm not condoning it. it's just the way evolution has gone. and if you take the brakes of then perhaps that's what happens in some cases.

but i will point one thing out: the OP wrote:

Miriamele wrote:I want him to just relax and enjoy himself, you know?

well, that's exactly what he did. so, though you don't yet realise it, he did do what you wanted him to. it's just that you didn't enjoy it. but please at least realise that you mis-directed him. some people do indeed enjoy this kind of thing. there was a guy on here a month or two ago who was into BDSM. and the book '50 shades of grey' had been a huge success with women. if you don't enjoy this kind of thing, just don't give him the impression that it's alright for him to do it to you!!!

i'll just quote this again with a little added emphasis and commentary ...

Miriamele wrote:He said "You mean, you want me to just USE you?" I answered "Well, you could put it that way I guess [which he'll interpret as "yes"]...whatever you want, as long as you don't injure me [and by the time you've said this he's probably either switched off or is too busy thinking about how to indulge hmself as your request]." (which I said with a laugh [which he might think means you don't really mean not to hurt you at all])

do you see how that might sound to him now???

OK, I didn't even think of that, so then the question is what his intentions really were. From the way she described it, I thought it sounded like he was getting off on hurting her. Apparently you read it differently, that maybe he was just "rough-housing" and didn't realize his strength (which, not having a good gage of strength is admittedly typical of autism so this is possible).
Hopefully you are right and that is what is was. If that's the case, then I will tone down my answer quite a bit and it IS a matter of discussion.
So yeah, Miriamele, it's definitely worth finding out from him what it was about it that he was enjoying. Did he think he was just playing, and didn't realize? Or was his intention to "Dominate" and he was getting off on that? Very different things!

when he said ...

Miriamele wrote:"You mean, you want me to just USE you?"

... the subtext to this reads "are you really sure about this?". that's what's known as a 'concerned question". he wouldn't be asking this if he just wanted to knock her about irrespective of her feelings. and when she says ...

Miriamele wrote:"Well, you could put it that way I guess

... she's basically said 'yes' or as near as damn it to 'yes' as would have made no difference in his mind. and as for ...

Miriamele wrote:...whatever you want, as long as you don't injure me." (which I said with a laugh)

... i bet he didn't think he was injuring her. she doesn't say she told him to stop and he didn't. she doesn't say she told him he was hurting her and he ignored her. like i said, i don't think she's communicating at all clearly here her true wishes. in BDSM each party has a safe word, which they use to unambiguously make it clear that the other party is going too far. perhaps that mightn't be a bad idea here too???

That all makes sense, Shock, very good insight, and yes safe-words are good, if you're both on the same page. Keep in mind I'm not judging BDMS itself if it's what both want, but I just got a bad vibe from her first post. But, sometimes it's good to be wrong. I still have some concern about what he got out of it, so I hope you're more right about this than I am.
I'm off for the weekend, so good luck OP!