Marriage on the rocks with an Aspie

My husband and I have been together for 12 years, married 11. He just recently took an online test for Asperger's and scored very high on the charts. We have always had little issues just like any other couple but after the test things seemed to fall apart. He has become a "loner" over the years. The few times he has found a friend he seems to put everything into those friendships and there is nothing left in our marriage. Each time we have talked about it it has always been me. I am to selfish and don't let him do anything with his friend. Recently my little sister moved in next door. My husband and her get along wonderfully. Once again the issue has come up of me being selfish. I am not asking for every second. I would just like a few days just us. That doesn't seem like that will happen. Last night we were sitting outside talking and he told me that he likes talking to my sister more than me because it is just easier. I am trying to understand and adapt my self to help him, but it seems like he just can't see what is going on. I know aspies have a hard time understanding the other side so I try really hard to not let this stuff bother me, but I can't do it anymore. It has gotten to the point where the hurt is unbarable. Any help would be awesome. He is my heart and soul. I can't stand the thought of losing him.

Well..I obviously don't know enough about the situation to really say who's fault it is, if that's kinda the desire in this. It may very well be that "nothing is left" in your marriage, but it may also not be true at all. Slugger likely will respond, and she'll have better advice, but I'll give my two cents.

One thing I realized with someone I tried to get close to is that it's all too easy to get into a mode of trying to "fix everything". He's saying that he has an easier time talking with your sister. That may be the case because there's no "we need to talk about a problem" thing going on. I got into the this kinda mode awhile ago, and it really hurt what I was aiming for. Instead of just having fun with the other person, I was so hellbent on trying to "fix" stuff. Yeah, it's important to talk about problems, but you want to make sure they are only big problems that need to be talked about...not the little ones.

In terms of "nothing left in your marriage" - I'm not sure what to say except are you looking for something more now than you weren't looking for, say, 4-5 years ago? You've been together for 12 years...I'd honestly believe you two should know each other fairly well at this point. Yeah, people change, but still..12 years is a long time. Maybe it's a perception issue in yourself in this case. I don't know what you're really looking for, and maybe a marriage counselor may help in this.

One thing that I may be able to help on. You mention you want "a few days just us". Why not go on a mini-vacation of sorts? Take Friday/Monday off work, and go someplace. It may be problematic if you have kids, but I'm sure you can solve that easy enough. Pick an activity you both enjoy, and spend a few days doing it. In regard to the jealousy of the friend/sister...instead of viewing them as a threat, maybe you can view them as a way to help the situation. Maybe you can make a more "group effort". E.g. your husband, your sister, your husband's friend, and you going out to do something. He may go for that.

Slugger will likely have more..not trying to put her on the spot, but pretty sure she will add to this topic when she reads it...so you should probably wait until she responds before doing anything.

mcruuzr wrote:We have always had little issues just like any other couple but after the test things seemed to fall apart.

After the test? Why? What's changed with it?

He is my heart and soul. I can't stand the thought of losing him.

Trying to pull him closer may actually push him away. I don't know if this would ever be the solution for you, but I know of couples who reverted to "girlfriend/boyfriend status" after many years of marriage (with children and all) and for those couples it worked perfectly. They live their own lives, have separate places, but they're still together.

over the 12 years you've been together AS hasn't been the central issue, not least of all because you didn't know about it. so, it isn't the central issue now. i'll be blunt: you're simply trying too hard. stop trying to make him your everything. that's what's stiffling him. you're not being selfish. you just need to find other emotional outlets. people with AS don't cope well with emotion. and they do have a habit of running away from it. my advice: develop other friendships and interests and stop trying to fix your marriage. it may well end anyway. and i do sense a degree of heartlessness in him telling you he prefers your sister. but what you're currently doing is far more likely to result in this outcome.