Are you willing to work on improving yourself?

I'm reading through the Married to an Aspie Support topic. Reading these, for a lack of a better, awful experiences by some of these spouse married to an Aspie. It's so sad. I feel so bad. They really want these relationships to work. As an NT reading through the stories, the first thought that comes to mind is, well this is an opportunity for other Aspies in this forum to learn and read how some of their behaviors can be a barrier towards a successful relationship or marriage. For those with Aspergers, based on what i'm reading through this forum some of you not all, lack empathy. So when you read those stories, what goes through your mind? Do you look at this as a learning opportunity? Do you look at how you contribute to the problem in any relationship? Aspie or no, I don't think anyone can change another person, but we should all ( NT's and Aspies) be in a constant state of self improvement, learn to work with each other, because no one is perfect. Do you agree with this?

Define "improve oneself".

The idea of self-improvement without a context is completely meaningless. Each one of us should be improving ourselves in the specific context of what we seek as individuals. Because that's what makes sense. This is pretty simple and straightforward.

Now, what do we seek as individuals? This is the real question. Not at all straightforward.

When reading about people's hardships, it really depends on if I have had a similar situation to if I actually can relate at all to the situation. It's basically like saying "In 3rd world countries people are starving". Yes, there are some people are, but if we define empathy as being able to really be in that person's situation, to understand their point of view...I honestly can say that I can't relate to starvation. Honestly, I doubt you could either...or really many could. ASers are as likely as anyone else to be able to recognize past mistakes - or to be able to relate if the situation is close enough to what one recognizes. In terms of relationship difficulties...relationships are hard for those with AS. It's a matter of fact. Because it's more difficult, there's also considerably less experience in this arena as well. Also keep in mind that people with AS tend to be more analytic in their thought process. When reading that something isn't working out in a relationship, the tendency with some may be to try and "fix" it, or if there are too many difficulties to abandon it. It's kinda a logical reasoning, and less of an emotional "just because the relationship is going, it should keep going" concept. Also keep in mind that a lot of Aspies miss stuff going on, may misread it, or may have a hard time knowing what to do. An example of this was yesterday..I was on the bus, talking to an older lady. She started talking to her father, and started crying. I saw her crying, couldn't really "feel" for her position much, but I had no clue what to do. I just kept talking about that general subject that made her cry, but in a more positive note. I think she appreciated that...so I recognized she was feeling something, and tried to "be there" the best I could...but if it wasn't for tears rolling down her face, I probably wouldn't have figured it out.

Does that help explain this part of your question a bit?

In regard to improvement. I think everyone does some level of improvement, but the definition of improvement (as already posted) is extremely important. Improvement comes generally out of need, which comes out of wants and desires. For example, if you're deficient at your work ability, you may dedicate more time to improving your ability at work. The reason why this is a necessity is because you may own a house, car, have kids, don't want to get fired, etc. Lets relate that to relationships. The "social need" for those with AS is far less than that with NTs. This means that since we have lost the "necessity" part of the equation, a desire to improve one's social skills may not fully be there. It's also more important to realize that social skills come with time, and by the time an aspie may really dedicate time to improve social skills, they may be really far behind others. So...do people with AS improve themselves? of course, everyone does. Do they improve social skills? Probably if they find the need important enough, and have the ability.

Also remember...the brains of people with Aspergers is wired differently than NTs. Some things come easier, some things come slower. Also remember that Aspies, many times, have more than one disorder associated with them. Spend some time on this board, and you'll realize some people have ADHD, Depression, Bipolar (although that's just recent), sensitivities to light/sound (forger the name of this disorder), and anxiety disorders (social/general). All of these influence things too..so it's not really a simple equation to solve.

If you're trying to get into a relationship with someone with AS (kinda thinking you are, from what I've been reading of your posts so far), tolerance is important...on both sides. It's just like anything..if both people accept each other, then the communication between them is better. Just remember that the brains of ASers are a little bit different than yours. Being able to pick up on stuff, is very very hard at times. Today, I had an interaction with someone, that later I determined had to be some kind of flirting..but at the time, I totally didn't get it. It took me about a half hour after the incident and a lot of thinking to get it. It's that kinda stuff you deal with as an Aspie.

We learn something everyday, and if we learn, we will improve.
Improving myself is IMO one of most important things in life, become perfect whatever it means to you, reach your goals and dreams. But since there is always something possiblity to improve, you will never reach the perfection, it will give you infinite work on improving yourself and your work.
Humans have tendency to be greedy, never really pleased to the end with what they got, always searching for more.

Or maybe I am just wrong.

you come across like you're fishing for a yes. and i'll further speculate that there''s someone in your life that you feel needs to 'improve'. but that would be your opinion. and probably one formed from some degree of dissatisfaction with your relationship with them. do you see where i'm going with this??? improvement is a bit like moral values. they only exist in the eye of the beholder. what is better for some is worse for others. in other words: one man's meat is another man's poison. now the other thing i want to write about here is self-worth. this may seem a bit off topic but i think it's an important issue in terms of how people view others. those people with low self-worth are often busy chasing around after other people's approval and improvement often means getting better at obtaining that approval. those that don't have low self-worth, by contrast, aren't interested in other people's approval and are therefore often viewed by them as lacking a desire to 'improve'. improvement is a bit of a myth in that respect. as far as i'm concerned improvement when take from the perspective of other people is more often than not nothing but a form of peer pressure. and no, i don't subscribe to that!!!