Restricting as a Form of Control

I could never understand anorexics and their desire to restrict their food intake as a form of control. Well, of course I didn't understand, until I started to flirt with the behaviour as well. Ever since my emotions have become uncontrollable I've started paying attention to my food intake and restricting the amount I eat. I even threw out food and told my mom I ate it instead of actually eating. This is a maladaptive coping mechanism for sure. But I can't seem to want to stop. I don't want to stop.

When I eat something, I feel as though I failed. I took a hit in a battle I'm fighting. For example, today I had a couple french fries from my mom's meal and then had a rice krispie treat at Starbucks where I'm currently at and I feel gross and de-composed. I feel out of control.

The problem is, I'm not sure I want to stop this behaviour. I quite enjoy this type of control and form of composure.

I feel guilty that I don't want to stop this form of my mental illness. Everything I seek to control, I seek to control my self-harm, my emotional dysfunction. All of it. Which in everyone's eyes are things that are good to control and manage. But my restriction is part of my control and yet I'm supposed to want to stop it.

Does this make any sense?

I don't know, just thought I'd get my thoughts out there.

Yeah, it definitely makes sense and I can relate. I go through periods of "recovery" but only in a physical sense. Nowadays I make sure that I don't get so thin to where I'm putting myself in any immediate danger, but I still restrict and overexercise. I don't really want to stop either. Again, it's the idea of control. Everything else in my life can be chaotic but being dedicated to my weight and food intake is at least something tangible, and when I do succeed it's a small little victory. I've been like this for so long that I don't know how to cope in any other way. My eating disorder is just a symptom of everything else that's wrong with me anyway, and until I get the bigger problems dealt with I don't think I have a chance of fully recovering.

Thanks for understanding.

I fear that people are gonna find out and try to force me to eat like a pig again with no restriction or attention to whats going in my body. I just can't do that. My whole world is falling apart right now. So yes, I savour the "small victories" that I achieve.

I don't really see it as a problem if I'm not in the danger zone. I still eat. Just its very restricted.

It seems to have taken the place of cutting everyday as a form of control. In my mind, its a bit better than the barbarity of cutting. I guess I'm getting to the point where cleaniless, even in my body, is the best form of control. I enjoy making my bed every morning, and then not eating breakfast. I feel clean and controlled. Instead of cutting, I paint a clean picture while listening to music with clean, clear beats and a crisp voice.

God, I feel so insane right now. I apologize if I'm starting to sound like I'm going off the deep end.

I failed today. Gave in and ate a chicken wrap and a piece of chocolate. I was just so depressed.

My therapist really pissed me off today. He pushed and pushed at the topic of eating disorders until I finally told him that the reason I don't want to talk about it is because I really don't want to stop at the moment. It gives me a nice sense of control.

But, I made a goal to lose three pounds before the next time I see him. Which is Tuesday and Friday of next week. I'm gonna restrict and exercise like a mad woman.

I restrict as a form of control. When everything feels out of control, and your having so many problems it seems so easy to focus on what your eating and when. It makes me feel powerful, strong, it kind of gives me a sense of identity. But then I go and binge and purge and ruin everything, and have to take crazy amounts of diet pills and exercise for the next week, and fast on tea and water.

Apparently I have issues with control in everyday life (my bpd apparently), but thats why I restrict my calorie and food intake.

II also starve myself for control. I have a psychotic disorder and meds don't completely work. I hear voices constantly criticizing me, for example harassing me for being a promiscuous woman (you know the whole double standard). They are very aggressive people. There is so much in society I don't have control over like how you can call a woman every name in the book but you can't call someone of a particular race anything without being brought down low. I'm a black woman and I find that troubling how black women just blindly go along with it, they stand by their men against racism inclduing my sister who is such a sheep. Its shameless. I also don't have a job even though I went to a top university and in society there's no excuse not to have a job atleast in fast food. I'm working with a job coach but I feel like its never good enough. So by losing weight I have control over something so I don't feel helpless and disgraced. I will be perfect. I feel in control, I feel preoccupied with something I can handle, I feel powerful.

EGD, please be careful. Please take care of yourself. I know it's hard to want to stop...but I just don't want to see you in danger, that's all.

I completely know how you feel too, and the worst part is genuinely not wanting to stop and feeling like it's okay... I think it's a form of self punishment too at times, which really isn't nice.