I could never understand anorexics and their desire to restrict their food intake as a form of control. Well, of course I didn't understand, until I started to flirt with the behaviour as well. Ever since my emotions have become uncontrollable I've started paying attention to my food intake and restricting the amount I eat. I even threw out food and told my mom I ate it instead of actually eating. This is a maladaptive coping mechanism for sure. But I can't seem to want to stop. I don't want to stop.
When I eat something, I feel as though I failed. I took a hit in a battle I'm fighting. For example, today I had a couple french fries from my mom's meal and then had a rice krispie treat at Starbucks where I'm currently at and I feel gross and de-composed. I feel out of control.
The problem is, I'm not sure I want to stop this behaviour. I quite enjoy this type of control and form of composure.
I feel guilty that I don't want to stop this form of my mental illness. Everything I seek to control, I seek to control my self-harm, my emotional dysfunction. All of it. Which in everyone's eyes are things that are good to control and manage. But my restriction is part of my control and yet I'm supposed to want to stop it.
Does this make any sense?
I don't know, just thought I'd get my thoughts out there.