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I am undereating because I hate being fat

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I am undereating because I hate being fat

Postby maskedsanity » Fri May 19, 2017 3:10 pm

I have gained a total of 40-45 pounds. At my smallest I only weighed 120-125 pounds. And that was still too fat. I just wish I could lose 40-45 pounds and more eventually. I struggled with my weight all my life. I started mood stabilizers 3 years ago
I am on 500 mg. Just on those I gained 25-30 pounds. Plus I love beer and that made me gain more weight. Plus inactivity. And eating late and eating carbs and sweets are factors to making me fat. I just want to be skinny so badly. I go through phrases where I am small and big. I am not far from being 200 pounds. And I am not tall. So I am going to beg my doctor to put me on a 250. And a small dose of a weight neutral one. I am extremely depressed about the excessive weight gain. This is the most I ever weighed. I used to be on 750 mg! It makes me eat more and it is slowing my metabolism right down. I cannot stop obsessing over it. And I cannot stand gaining weight as a side effect. I am terrified of gaining weight in general. I will be overweight in no time. I already am for my height. I hate myself more then you imagine for being so fat. I had eating disorders and I overcame them. But I am going to undereat so I can be my goal weight. Hopefully I can get be 110-115.
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