Nitpicking/Constant Negativity/Rage

So.. I have some decently stupid friends. They don't mean to be offensive, and they have good hearts, but.. some of them, especially the one I talk to the most, is the most clueless about what comes out of his mouth. I'm afraid I can't be more specific than that, other than he grinds my gears a lot of the time (but I can't reject him, because if I do it could have repercussions in my workplace.) And I've been noticing lately that the more idiotic/mindless things he says, the more I get nitpicky/defensive/aggressive to *everyone*, not just him. In fact, when I interact with him, I just nod and smile and don't say anything back. We've never really had what I'd call a healthy friendship, but he is very good about honesty. Whenever we've had spats in the past, and believe me we have, he's always just wanted me to tell him what he did and talk it out to get past it. That's my way of thinking too - I do best in transparent friendships, because I tend to be an honest person (I have a hard time not speaking my mind, and sometimes that bites me in the ass.) But whenever I am honest with him, and say why I'm upset/bothered by something, which usually isn't very visible because I care about him - he spirals into self-pity and guilt-tripping, places blame and basically does everything but accept, apologize and move on, which is all I want to do. I don't like lingering on fights, and I hate drama. I don't judge him for what he says, not normally. I rationalize and accept it's just the way he is and get over it. But I'm explaining all of this to tell you why I've stopped talking honestly to him about it, because I can stand his cycle anymore.

And the issue is that I've stopped getting over it and started resenting him for his constant cycles. I know you can't change people, that's impossible and unfair to them to even try. All you can control is how you react to what happens or what other people say or do. And obviously no one is perfect, I should expect flaws in everyone including myself. And I've been good about that for years.. but lately I've started obsessing over those things he does, even the little things, and keeping all those feelings bottled up in my head, where they swirl around and control my thoughts. "If you really cared x, you wouldn't say y." "What do you know? You're a white male." Things like that, just dominating my mind, and turning into rage, and now I just avoid him altogether. We didn't do a whole lot together before as friends, but we at least had peace. And now I end up hating him and myself for hating him.

And like I said, it isn't only him I've been picking apart in my mind; my parents, my sister, my other friends, all of them are on the bad end of it. I just end up feeling offended really easily, by things I used to shrug off, and cling onto dark thoughts about people (or the thoughts cling to me, more like). I get really hateful and end up feeling violent. I haven't done anything, and I won't - I've never beaten anyone up in my life, no matter how pissed off I was. (Even if I imagine doing it.) But I do exercise like crazy, and for the last couple weeks, how I've reacted to these feelings is to work out to the extreme, until I can't move for an hour or so afterwards, can't even lift myself off the floor or get up to get a drink, and it leaves me feeling sick for the rest of the night, because I overdid it. But it's the only way I can feel relaxed and avoid being angry for a while; and I end up screaming and abusing objects (punching bags, etc) while I work out, which isn't normal for me. Normally I try to push myself beyond my previous regime but don't go so far that I crash and burn. But after these work outs, I literally can't feel angry for the rest of the evening because I'm so exhausted, and more busy being concerned over my health, as it leaves me shaking and nauseous.

I try to take my life pretty easy, but I've been prone to stress for the last few years, after I had a traumatic experience in high school involving illness that went on for years. It left me with trust issues and resentment of most people around me, but I had gotten over it in the last couple of years and started to really get healthy again, so this is very concerning for me.

Though I will note that my dad, who I live with, is a complete piece of $#%^ and has always nitpicked me. I just don't want to pick up his habits to deal with stress, because how he does is by controlling me. I want to be better than that asshole.

I've had Pure-O OCD habits in the past (OCD that is almost entirely in your thoughts), but I did a bunch of research and found good techniques to eliminate it, and I did, but now it feels like it's sneaking back in in the form of hate. I'm also *very* prone to panic attacks (and I don't mean like freaking out or overreacting to something - I mean physical panic attacks, where you go numb and your muscles lock up), because I used to have them multiple times a day for years on end (because of high school). I hadn't had any for a while, but then had a very serious one a couple weeks ago at the start of this; the worst one I'd had in about six years. I at least know how to end them faster because of my experiences.

I just.. hate being filled with so much anger all the time. For the record I grew up in a very emotionally suppressed house; I'd be yelled at for crying as a kid, blamed for being angry when I had the right to be, $#%^ like that. And I do still live at home, due to illness (BPPV, an inner ear disorder) and financial insecurity because of that illness. Unfortunately moving out just isn't an option for me. So.. I feel like I can't get away from all the things that piss me off. Lately, I automatically find something to be mad about in everything I do. If I try to play Morrowind to unwind, my brain tells me, "You're wasting time and being lazy." If I try to work on my parkour exercises (which I'm seriously into), it says, "You'll never be any good, why waste your time with it." If I try to have a good time and talk to friends, it nitpicks them and tells me why I should ditch them.

Also.. I've never journaled in my life. I've tried to pick it up a couple of times and drop it after the first day, because it feels stupid, forced, silly, or I get busy, etc. I used to have a diary when I was really little, but I only drew in it. In high school, my main form of self-expression was also drawing, especially through a particularly dark period of my life, it would take off some of the pressure from my feelings. But since then, it's like I've lost the ability to express myself through art. My technical drawing skills have gone up a lot since then, but it's like I have no connection with my drawings. And I can't remember how I ever managed to conceptualize my feelings/issues onto a page, so I don't try. I'd love to get that ability back, I just don't know where to start, and I've tried looking it up online, but all they say is "draw your feelings!" and don't give any actually *useful* advice.

So.. I'm looking for advice. I wouldn't be posting here otherwise. It does feel good to vent, don't get me wrong, especially after holding all this $#%^ in, hating everyone for knowing I can't talk to them about it. I've noticed through all the times I've been through similar cycles to this one, that the more I don't tell people about how I feel about this, the more I hate them for me not talking. Those of you who have been there, you know what I mean. First it's a feeling of being blocked off from others, then it creeps into resentment, then full-blown hatred, and after a while, it's crippling loneliness. And because I'm different from most people, I already have my fair share of loneliness to deal with. It makes me feel like I can't trust anyone, and that's a nasty feeling.

I'd be willing to try pretty much anything except a therapist - I don't have the insurance or the money for it, and it just isn't going to happen. I do meditate and do relaxation techniques. As I said, I do not journal but would like to learn how. Unfortunately I'm someone who has to be told really specific instructions in order to really figure it out. I like the technicalities of things, so go as detailed as you want; treat me like an idiot. I do write fiction (like six books so far and a shitton of short stories and novellas), and my feelings often slip into that without me noticing. I cannot drive myself, so I don't really have a place I can run to, other than the shower, and that's only for a half hour at the most. And I don't really want that to be my safe haven, because when I go there to scream and cry time and again, I dread seeing it, and I want it to be a relaxing place. I do not drink or do drugs. I do take care of my health; I exercise, eat right, take time to relax outside, etc. I do not hurt myself. I do not feel like I can vent to friends. I do have a daemon (mental construct used for psychological wellness and introspection), but I have not talked to it much lately, because that little voice tells me "Your imaginary friend is stupid, and you're stupid for relying on something so ridiculous." I don't normally hate myself, but lately that's changed. I'm not worried about hurting myself, but I am concerned about harming my friends emotionally and destroying my social life, which I *know* I will miss once I get emotionally healthy again.

Now, there's one more thing.. my period is coming up, and I suffer from PMDD (more extreme PMS). But something to note is that my PMS symptoms do not create new characteristics in me; instead, what I've noticed over the years, is that they make existing characteristics in me more noticeable/extreme. My resentment for that friend was already there, but only in the last couple of weeks (possible PMS territory, the timing is right), has it made me hate him so much that I ignore him and avoid him altogether. Even then.. I know that if I don't get this resolved or find a good way to deal with it, this will not only keep happening, but I will hold onto those twisted feelings as being true to the real me well after my period has passed. I've done that before, and I know other women do it, too. It's hard not to.

So, to end this essay of a post (can you tell I'm a writer..), I would like advice with anger management, negative thinking, nitpicking, nasty/obsessive thoughts, dealing with PMS rage, accepting others as they are, being thin-skinned, picking up journaling/expressive art.. etc. (..I think part of my problem is that I hinge too much of my identity on my friends. So when they fail me, I take it personally and feel very hurt, even when it's only in small ways.)

Thank you to anyone who read through all this, and thank you for any responses. I appreciate it. And I promise I'm normally very friendly and bubbly, but.. I just can't be right now, and that's kind of sad to me.

regarding nitpicking with friends, well friends dont have to talk all the time or indulge in a deep conversation about philosophy or something like that.

even with someone with whom you get along very well, eventually you'll run out of things to discuss.

friendship is more about being there when needed. like i had to file taxes n called a long lost friend. he helped rightaway and i even i'd do the same.

that is why people mostly go to movies or take up some hobby. it gives them stuff to talk about. or maybe not talk about.