Anyone out there ??

Hello! This is the first time posting and I'm hoping to get some advice. I've been married for 6 years to my daughter's father. We don't get along very well. He has sooo many rage outbursts and I am noticing that they are effecting every aspect of my life. I have been withdrawing from people because I feel like no one really likes or cares about me. I try talking to people sometimes about my problems but I feel like they don't want to hear about my problems. I know that everyone has them but I feel like I can't take no more. He curses at me all the time, makes fun of me and my whole family. He gets right in my face when he yells (I guess to intimidate me) and feel like my body is shaking but it's not. I'm starting to feel like I'm crazy. I have no energy to do anything. I send a couple people that call me on a regular basis straight to voicemail because I don't even want to talk. He makes me feel so low and stupid. We have tried counseling and the counselor didn't even know what to do. I can't stand the fact that my 7 year old daughter is witnessing this. Just last night he was yelling at me loud when she was trying to sleep. We have been to divorce lawyer but I cried all day and after our meeting. I'm a mess I know. I don't want to divorce but I also don't want my daughter or myself living like this anymore.

Oh no-one-knows ~ I'm so sorry for all that you are going through in your marriage, friend. I'm praying that God will reveal to you just how much he loves you, and how important you are to Him in this world. It is good that you have tried counseling with your husband, but I'm sorry that it didn't seem to provide the help you needed at that time. I hope you will continue to seek out help. There is a free counseling helpline at *phone number removed by Mod* from the organization that I work for, Focus on the Family. I know their counselors have helped many people that were hurting in their marriages. Their website at *website removed* also has some helpful articles under the Marriage, Parenting, and Life Challenges Channels as well. May you feel God's compassion, comfort and hope in the coming days. Hugs and blessings to you!

How has your husband reacted to the idea of divorce? Does it bother him, or is it just triggering more abusive behaviour?

I'm so sorry the counsellor was rubbish. If they can't help by themselves, they ought to be giving you ideas about next steps. It's all so difficult but something needs to change, you can't go on like that. It's not fair to you or your daughter, as you say. You aren't crazy. Keep talking here, if it's helpful. Or anywhere else in the forum if you want.

no-one-knows wrote: I feel like no one really likes or cares about me. I try talking to people sometimes about my problems but I feel like they don't want to hear about my problems.

Same here. I've dropped major hints to friends & family, and I've even had meetings with his family about his abuse: nobody believes me, and I've basically been advised to "try being more feminine" (FFS!)
Nobody will talk to him about his abusive behaviour, and nobody will listen to me complaining about it: they don't want to get involved, they don't want to take sides

no-one-knows wrote: He curses at me all the time, makes fun of me and my whole family. He gets right in my face when he yells ... He makes me feel so low and stupid.

This is abuse. It's not like a normal disagreement where one side says this and the other side says that: abuse is where one person does all the shouting and doesn't allow the other to have an opinion

no-one-knows wrote: I can't stand the fact that my 7 year old daughter is witnessing this. ... I don't want to divorce but I also don't want my daughter or myself living like this anymore

It is dangerous for her, you're right. She could grow up thinking it's normal for daddies to shout at mummies, and she may repeat the cycle by choosing an abuser for her own husband.

The usual advice is "just leave him", but it's not that easy. In some cases, women are stalked & murdered when they leave their abuser.
There are plenty of helpful books out there (type domestic violence into Amazon, and read some reviews). There are plans you can make, there are tactics and strategies to use if you intend to stay in the relationship.

My personal favourites are
- Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
- Power & Control, S.Horley
- The Verbally Abusive Relationship, P. Evans

It's early days for me, I've only just started to take action based on what I've learned (eg. don't get drawn into arguments, don't defend or explain yourself; if abuse starts up just leave the house) but it's already helping me. I feel stronger, better able to stand up for myself (after all, nobody else will).
I realise that I've inadvertently given him permission for the way he treats me, by taking it. By not leaving the first time it happened, I've told him how much abuse I'm willing to take. Well now, it's not happening any more. I can recognise his triggers, and avoid them.

Good luck to you.