Emotional abuse ?

Hey.
A year and a half ago, I met that guy. I was in a dark place, I was using and I just wanted to die. He was sweet to me, and so caring. We started talking more and he never got mad at me even though I have so many disorders and I screw up a lot. We started dating in January. The first two weeks were okay. But then, things got bad. I don't know why, I don't know what I did, but he started insulting me whenever I say something he doesn't like and he started calling me names. It wasn't that bad at first. He still missed me and wanted to see me every day. Around February, we were supposed to spend a night together because his birthday was coming up and I wouldn't be here on his birthday. Things were great and then he got a call from another girl asking him to go to the movies. I'm not the jealous type so I didn't really mind. When she asked him if he's coming he told her "I don't know, I'm in a meeting right now". It hurt me because it's like he's embarrassed to say he's with his girlfriend. I thought he was cheating on me so I left. He kept texting me and calling and I finally forgave him but told him I didn't trust him and he said he won't go out anymore until I trust him. HE said that, I never asked him anything. Whenever we'd argue, he'll bring it up and tell me that I already got him on a leash and a collar so I should be more understanding. He was blaming ME for his mistake. Then, I had to go visit my father(he lives in another country) because he was having a surgery and that was the only time I could go see him because I'm a full-time student. My boyfriend kept making me feel guilty because I was going to miss his birthday. One minute he'll go"I understand" and the other minute he'll go"I can't believe you're not going to be here!! Now, I have to explain to my friends why my girlfriend can't be here on MY birthday! You're leaving me on the one day that's supposed to be mine. For four years I've been spending my birthday alone because my ex would always go to Cuba on my birthday and my friends always tried to make it better. I thought this year was going to be different!!" . It hurt me, and I was going to cancel my trip and not visit my FATHER for him. I didn't and for the whole week we kept arguing all the time. One day it got really bad, he told me I'm just a whore and a spoiled brat and I don't care about anyone but myself which is not true! I came back, things were okay again.
In March, he was broke. He had 10$ in his account for the last two weeks of the month. He was starving. It made me feel really bad and I really wanted to help him but he'd never let me. He always told me he'd manage and I didn't want to make him feel worse so I didn't say anything. One day, I asked him if I could bring dinner and come over because I missed him (I didn't see him for a whole month). He told me no because his friend was coming over and he did his groceries and was bringing him food. I asked him how come his friends can pay for him but I'm not allowed. He said "Stop being so annoying! I mean you're great and everything but right now I just need to vent and I can't do that with you". It made me feel like absolute $#%^. I just shut up and let him do his thing. The next day I texted him something really stupid about a dream I had. He didn't answer all day Then, I found out that he was with his friend and his ex, and they had breakfast and they paid for him(I wasn't allowed to take him out for dinner though even though we weren't seeing each other) and he had told me he was with his brother at a soccer game. When I brought it up, he was like"You don't believe me?! I have receipts and tickets to prove that I was with my brother!" I didn't actually believe him but I didn't say anything. I did bring it up again a couple of times and every time he'd make me feel guilty for not trusting him. He told me he didn't want to talk to me anymore. He didn't talk to me for two weeks and he finally did again and we went out. We were in his car and I was still unsure about the whole breakfast thing so I went through his messages. I asked him first though. I saw the messages from that day from his friend and she was asking him where he was and stuff. I got so mad and I left. When I got home he texted me "I can't believe you don't believe me! For once ######6 trust me!". I didn't answer and I was just done forgiving him.Then he finally told me the truth. He was going out for breakfast with his friend and then his ex showed up and he left so he was there just for 5 minutes. I didn't actually believe him but I still forgave him because I loved him so much. Things were a little better from there but he was still calling me names whenever we'd have a small argument. Around May, we got into a really bad fight and he told me I'd better shut up and not make it worse because I have no one else in my life, I have no friends because I'm a worthless human being. Sadly, he was right and I did shut up and apologize for something I didn't even do. A lot of similar stuff happened. Then, I asked him if he could help me find a part-time job and he was like "You're too shy to get a job". He destroyed my self-esteem and I ended up without a job just because I didn't look hard enough.
On my birthday, he planned a dinner with my friends and he was the sweetest thing ever. He made sure to make me happy because he knows I hate my birthday.
Then two weeks later, he dumped me. He went out with his friends clubbing and wouldn't answer any of my texts(I just texted him twice because it was 4 and I wanted to make sure he got home safe). I know he was awake though. He answered at 6 in the morning, and I was so pissed and asked him how many girls he hooked up with. He dumped me because I didn't trust him enough. Two days after he dumped me, he destroyed my self-esteem. He compared me to his ex who cheated on him and told me that I will never be as good as she was. He told me I was like here in a way that I had him whipped which is not true. We kept talking though but we didn't see each other. One day, we were talking about sex and whatnot and he said he thought I was stupid and immature for not wanting to sleep with him when we were together. When he said that, I lost it. I was so tired of him always pressuring me. I told him about me getting raped when I was younger and he was like "Woah, I'm so disgusted. You lost your virginity at such a young age. That's disgusting. I'm glad we didn't sleep together". I couldn't take it. I wanted to kill myself because that made me realize no one will ever love me. I'm dying alone. We kept talking though and finally he told me he didn't want to talk to me anymore. He told me to have a good life but he knows I'm going to kill myself soon anyways and he doesn't want to be around when I do. He told me I was just a disgusting whore and I'm going to sleep with my best friend now that I'm single. And he just left.
Also, during the couple of months we were together, he kept dissing my family and my nationality and he made sure to remind me that I'm not as good as his Italian friends and his Brazilian ex. We only went to dinner and movies two or three times, other than that we'd just drive around or he'd take me to his house. He never took me out. He also never let me see my friends because he doesn't trust them, and if I just as much as have one drink when I'm out he'd lose it on me and become all cold with me for like a week. I spend that whole week apologizing and trying to make things better but he doesn't give me a chance. Also, when I had finals I was having an anxiety attack(I have really bad anxiety) and I knew he couldn't do anything about it so I asked him if I could go see my best friend because he always knows how to calm me down. He said no and then told me to be strong for once. Now that he's gone, it still hurts. I hate where I come from, I hate who I am, I wish I came from somewhere else, I wish I was as hot as his ex-girlfriend. I wish I was prettier so he could love me. I wish I was better and had no disorders and I was just a happier person. I drove him away. He was right I am worthless.

I know we weren't together for a long time, and we are still young(I'm 19, he's 21) but does this count as emotional abuse? He wasn't all bad, he was really stupid whenever he wasn't mad at me and he stuck long enough to see me get a little better. He even asked if I was okay last day, and wanted to see if I was still alive. If it does, is there a way to cope with the pain? Do you ever recover from feeling worthless and useless?

obsessed707 wrote:does this count as emotional abuse?

When she asked him if he's coming he told her "I don't know, I'm in a meeting right now".

He lied to another girl right in front of you?

he kept dissing my family and my nationality and he made sure to remind me that I'm not as good as his Italian friends and his Brazilian ex.

Around May, we got into a really bad fight and he told me I'd better shut up and not make it worse because I have no one else in my life, I have no friends because I'm a worthless human being.

Sadly, he was right and I did shut up and apologize for something I didn't even do.
A lot of similar stuff happened.

He compared me to his ex who cheated on him and told me that I will never be as good as she was. He told me I was just a disgusting whore

I asked him if I could go see my best friend because he always knows how to calm me down. He said no. He also never let me see my friends because he doesn't trust them

I hate where I come from, I hate who I am, I wish I came from somewhere else, I wish
I was as hot as his ex-girlfriend. I wish I was prettier so he could love me. I wish
I was better and had no disorders and I was just a happier person. I drove him away.
He was right I am worthless.

He tried to make you fit into his own disorderly world, and it almost worked.

Do you ever recover from feeling worthless and useless?

Only if you stay away from guys like that.

Your post is quite old and you may not still be checking back on it, but I wanted to reply anyway.

obsessed707 wrote: He was sweet to me, and so caring. ... But then, things got bad.

That's how abusers work: they hook you in by being everything you ever wanted. Then when they have you, they start the abuse, because they feel they can. If you don't dump them, they feel they've been given permission (by you) to continue the abuse, and probably to make it worse

obsessed707 wrote: He was blaming ME for his mistake.... I'm a worthless human being. .. he was like "You're too shy to get a job".

A lovely man. I'm so glad you're not still with him. He won't change, abusers rarely do. They have no reason to change: there are 1000s of trusting women out there that they can move on to.

obsessed707 wrote:

obsessed707 wrote: On my birthday, he planned a dinner with my friends and he was the sweetest thing ever. He made sure to make me happy

That's a classic, typical part of the abusive cycle. If they feel you slipping away, they reel you back in by being super-nice. When you're hooked back in to them, they start the abuse again

obsessed707 wrote:

obsessed707 wrote: Then two weeks later, he dumped me.

You're lucky: it was a lucky escape. However, I'm worried that you are taking on the role of victim, and that you'll pick the same type of man (abusive) again & again (I did)

obsessed707 wrote: I told him about me getting raped ... and he was like "Woah, I'm so disgusted. You lost your virginity at such a young age. That's disgusting. ... He told me I was just a disgusting whore

It's natural to want to disclose things, personal things, to someone you care about. However, it's the very worst thing you should do to an abuser: they will use it against you.
Never, ever tell it all to someone who hasn't PROVEN themselves to be worthy of the information. If you have this secret inside that you need to tell, then tell it to a professional, someone with experience of sexual abuse, a counsellor.

obsessed707 wrote: does this count as emotional abuse?

It most certainly does !

obsessed707 wrote: is there a way to cope with the pain? Do you ever recover from feeling worthless and useless?

It takes a LOT of work, and you need to face up to some uncomfortable truths about yourself, about why you accept this kind of behaviour, why you keep going back for more.
I'm still working on it, and I'm in my 50s now. I've been the "victim" of abuse all my life, although I've only recently realised it. I thought it was ME! I thought I was the crazy one, the worthless one, because everyone around me was just horrible to me. I never received any love, real love, from anyone. I grew up thinking I was just unlovable, and went from bad relationship to bad relationship.

Basically, I got the men I thought I deserved, and they were horrible. I couldn't understand why this happened to me time and time again.

I've been reading a lot this past year, and I highly recommend the following (check the reviews on Amaz0n)
- Power & Control, S.Horley
- Why Does He Do That, L.Bancroft
- The Verbally Abusive Relationship, P. Evans

There are many more, but those have been the best for me

Reading this was hard, my ex of three years was quite similar. I was in a bad, bad place when he met me. I was drugged up, didn't give a $#%^ about anything, didn't care if i lived or died. And then he came into my life, and it was like I finally had a reason to live again. And just like yours, after a while $#%^ started to go wrong. There was some physical abuse, but i'd take that over the mental abuse he did. That hurt me more than the physical. "Disgusting whore" was used often as well. He controlled everything, when i could leave the house, when i had to have dinner ready for him, how i wasnt allowed to see/talk or even have any friends. It was bad, took me three years to finally have the strength to leave. What I've learned since then, and it was the hardest thing to realize, is IT IS NOT OUR FAULT. Yes, they were calling us whores, but were we sleeping around? No. The reason they treated us that way was because the guilt they felt for things they had done. Taking out everything on you instead of having to deal with what a $#%^ person they are. They need power, and once you decide to take your power back, start doing things for you and standing up for yourself, they become helpless. Make YOURSELF happy. Not someone who treats you like $#%^. Your worth it.