Emotional abuse - worried about my mom.

Hi there,

I'm not sure if this is even the right place to post this and I'm sorry if parts don't makes sense, will try and keep this less like a wall of text and more like a coherent thought-process.

I'm really worried about my mother. I'm 21, and moved out of home a little over a year ago; would have been out sooner, but simply couldn't afford it.

My mom and stepfather have been married for 17 years and to be honest, I never liked him. Never got along with him, saw eye to eye, whatever you want to call it. I've had major depression issues for the last 9 years or so, which only started to cease after moving out and starting my own life.

Once I hit puberty I was never the skinniest kid, by no means huge but definitely heavier than my peers; but having said that I was always toned and fitter than most - my stepfather used to call me names and make me feel pretty worthless on a regular basis, names like "thunder thighs," "chubby chops" etc are names I've got used to and have genuinely got over. They don't bother me any more.

HOWEVER - since I've moved out he's turned it all on my mother, and its less of a jest and more a matter of "you disgust me." He's also doing it to her best friend's daughter whenever she happens to be in earshot. He's being downright horrible to mom and is constantly calling her horrible things, to the point where she's running to family and friends in tears on a regular basis.

He drinks a lot, regularly demolishes a litre bottle of scotch in a couple of hours, and he's a very nasty drunk - to the point where he kicked me out of the house several times after abusing me and calling me things like "slag" because I withdrew from an extra Uni course because the money my grandparents were paying for it was extreme and it would have been better spent paying for their healthcare needs, told my I looked like a "whore" because I dyed my hair a particularly vibrant shade of red, etc. I would definitely call him an alcoholic, but a nasty one at that.

In the last year, he's also become a little gun crazy. He's bought 6 in the last year and does nothing but call her names, drink and sit in the den making bullets. While I don't think he would ever turn them on her, I'm genuinely concerned about about the obsession its become - I dread the idea of seeing anything happen to her because while I don't think he would actually do anything to her like that intentionally, accidents happen and so do alcoholic blackouts. He's never physically abused her but I can't help but worry.

The main thing that is making me come here and to seek the opinions of you all, is that my mother's best friend confronted him about his treatment of her the other day. He kicked her out of the house, then later on the next night sent her an email informing her that legal action had been taken and that he has obtained a restraining order against her. All of this is because of the fact that she had keys in her hand while talking to him and he regards them as a "serrated object which could be used to inflict bodily harm eg. emasculation." I already know the restraining order is a load of BS, but what he has effectively done is finally completely isolated my mom from the last of her close friends.

It seems like he's forcing her into a position where she has no one left and CAN'T leave him.

I'm extremely worried about her and I genuinely don't know how I should go about talking to her about the situation - I don't want to cause her any more hurt but as far as I can see she's stuck in a severely emotionally abusive relationship.

I have no proof of any violence so I don't think I can really get police involved but I have no clue of where to start in even talking to her about the situation.

We're all extremely worried about her but this isn't something any of us have ever had to deal with before and we don't want to make things worse !

Please help!

You really need to establish an open communication with your mum, letting her know that no matter what, you are here for her, and letting her know that although you won't advise her or interfere in her relationship, that you have concerns. Please tread very carefully, because you really don't want to force her into a corner or push her away, where he will have more opportunity to abuse her.

A domestic violence organisation may be able to suggest practical advice if she should decide to leave. Please don't be tempted to persuade her to leave because the time when a partner leaves can be the most dangerous time. An exit would have to be planned carefully in advance, and it may even mean that your mother would have to go into hiding.

The best thing you can do for your mother at this stage is to assure her that you are here for her.

Welcome to the forums.

but this isn't something any of us have ever had to deal with before

You only write about yourself, so who are us ?

I would be surprised if you (collectively) have not already dealt with this abuse before, and just not recognised it as abuse. Now it is simply concentrated upon one person, therefore much more visable. Or perhaps your mother has interviened and stopped him.

It seems like he's forcing her into a position where she has no one left and CAN'T leave him

Of course she can leave him, It is just a matter of wanting/needing to. Therefore she'll move when she is ready, not before. Your prompting won't help.

I wouldn't be surprised to learn she fears being alone in the future and is weighing that against what she will lose by leaving.

Also I would be unsurprised if you found some answers or advice in the Narc forum.

my mother's best friend confronted him about his treatment of her the other day. He kicked her out of the house

That is a good friend. Is there some way you can offer your mother's friend support in her stand ?

masquade wrote: A domestic violence organisation may be able to suggest practical advice

I agree with Masquade. Have you contacted them ? Just remember this (tragically) is mainly your mother's battle .... not yours ..... your mother may suffer because of something you may do which upsets this man.