How to leave the one you love?

[color=#FF40BF]I'm a newbie to the site. I never realized how unhappy I was with my marriage until Sunday afternoon. I've been married for over 10 years. My parents were dysfunctional; Dad was emotionally cold, physically and verbally abusive towards me and Mom. Mom was very passive, but would complain to me about my dad. She loved to use guilt and emotional blackmail if I disagreed with her. My husband controls all of the money in the house. At one point, I got tired and just switched my paycheck into a separate account. He got angry and almost left me, and decided to get even by dumping so many bills on me that I couldn't afford to pay them all so that I would let him handle all of the money again. He insists, however, that I failed and mismanaged all of the money and that I should have been able to juggle all of the bills. He makes almost 4 times my salary. I get a $20 weekly allowance, and my paycheck goes into his account (of which I have no access). He will often question what I spend my money on even if I don't ask him for any. If he knew I was saving money, he would cut my allowance down further because he says that means that I don't need the money. He paid off all my credit cards[color=#FF00FF]If I need anymore money than that, he interogates me and makes me provide a receipt. He knows that my tuition is due monthly, but refuses to pay it. I am almost 3 months behind and almost in danger of not being able to finish college. He has "playfully" threatened to take my dog from me and embarrass me with things discussed in private if I ever left. He says that he will stop working just so that I would not get any alimony from him. He humiliates me in front of his family for the sake of humor and says that I take it too seriously. He insults my weight and calls me ugly, but makes it seem like he was kidding. He plays very rough with the dog and me, and then wonders why the dog is closer to me. This is disgusting, but he insists that the dog and I have a bond because "I'm having sex with him." I have watched myself go from being a fun-loving woman who took care of herself to a woman who doubts and second-guesses herself all the time. I am never good enough. On Sunday afternoon, I was looking for something in his car, and for the second time in our marriage, I found CONDOMS!! The first time I found them, he said that they were mine because I was driving his car at the time. This time he's caught because the condoms have a 2014 expiration date and I haven't driven his car in years. But I'm too afraid to confront him anymore. My mortgage is too high for me to afford on my own. I don't have any friends to confide in and I don't want to bother my family with it. Thank you for hearing me and sorry for being long-winded. [/color][/color]

Hi. I split this post from the original thread because I felt that it deserved to be in a thread of its own, so that you would receive more support because people would see it.

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this abuse, and being denied financial independence. By doing this to you, he's exerting a lot of control over you, leaving you financially dependant upon him. In effect you're working for nothing, and providing him with extra income. He's also jeopardised your chances at college. Is there anyone at college, ie a tutor or welfare worker who you could approach, and explain the situation to? They might also be able to point you in the direction of domestic abuse agencies who could offer support.

He is relying on you keeping this a secret, and if you tell someone, he will have less power over you. The more support you can get, the less isolated you will be. Would your family help if you told them? You will need to be very careful, however, as the time when a partner leaves an abusive relationship is often the time when the person is in the most danger. Please bear in mind that this could potentially escalate into physical abuse. If you choose to leave, you will need to plan this carefully.

This link will give you advice on how to leave an abusive relationship before it escalates into physical abuse.
domestic-abuse/topic11734.html

Only you can decide whether to remain in this situation or to leave. At the moment you have no quality of life, and this is not likely to improve. He may appear to change if he thinks you will leave him, but the abuse is likely to continue again, and he has proven that he is capable of great cruelty towards you.

You may qualify for Legal Aid. A good lawyer can advise you about the mortgage etc, and it may be possible for the courts to force him to contribute. Some Domestic Abuse agencies also have access to legal advice.

Speaking to a therapist can help you rebuild your self esteem, and to take on board the fact that it is not your fault. This may be something you might want to consider at some point in the future.

I have PM'd you details of some Domestic Violence Agenices.