Has anyone ever had to deal with a smear campaign?

How did you cope when every where you turn people always believing the abuser? The abuser telling people that you had mental issues and was just a bad person? Even telling your kids the same thing? I live in a very small town where everyone knows everyone and their buiness(sp).

Oh, God..I've dealt with this my entire life. You know what helped more then anything? When I finally decided that I am ok with being the "crazy" one, the one with mental issues, the most troubled and the most horrible person in the world, the one who lies, who makes up stuff, who ruins people's lives ya-ta-ta-ya-ta-ta-ya-ta-ta

After having heard all of the above countless times and letting it hurt me enormously, I decided: "You know what? I am ok being all that you call me. I am really ok with that! I think, it's perfectly fine to be as "crazy", as troubled and as horrible as you call me." When they realized that all their accusations and attacks didn't affect me anymore, they backed off Now, none of those who invalidated me talk to me or see me anymore and I am so happy about it! It feels like a huge load fell off my shoulders. Life has become so much better now

WM

Thank you that sounds like a good idea and that is what I will do.I am very sorry it happened to you it took me by surprise. But I will be the bigger person and move on

Well..The expression "to move on" usually triggers negative feelings in me because often when people suggest someone to "move on" that implies that the person should just forget about being or having been mistreated, but this is not what I was trying to say or imply. I just shared my personal experience and what helped me. I didn't mean to say that the same thing would help you or anyone else. If it came across this way, I am sorry, because this was not my intention. Besides, just because I don't feel as vulnerable to other people's attacks as I was before doesn't mean I am not vulnerable to them at all. I still get hurt when I hear the same old messages from others that imply or say directly that something is wrong with me. I've just become better at spotting people and situations that might hurt me and setting the protective boundary around myself. So, the fact that you get hurt when you are invalidated means that you are actually a healthy person because you don't disconnect from your feelings. Don't try to force yourself to be a "bigger person" and to "move on". As time goes by, you'll be eventually able to distance yourself from those who make you feel bad about yourself and will be able to protect yourself better, but this comes with time. You can't force it.

WM

Oh, yes. I think this is common. Especially since the typical abuser, especially a narcissistic abuser, is so very charming to the outside world. It is as if you are living out a psychological thriller at times.

I think that an abuser is usually outgoing and knows what people want to hear. They will typically attract a less outgoing person, a quiet and perhaps extremely sensitive person, also kind, because it gives them their perceived "power." Because they don't feel powerful enough within simply being them. They have to find it from outside sources.

Not only is the person I was with incredibly charming and super adorable to the outside world, she was also further along in her life than I am. She has kids, a set career, a house, etc. So to everyone else it must be that the one who had it together physically (materialistically), well gosh, she must be the one that has it together emotionally and psychologically. So if I were to say, "she shook me and screamed ###$ you in my ear three times while I was having a panic attack," nobody would believe it. If I were to say, "She calls me names and degrades me on a frequent basis and I feel she is abusive, nobody would believe it. Instead, she gets invited out and I have become a fearful hermit. I once was carefree and full of wanderlust and people would tell me the most amazing things and tell me I am the most unique person. I was never in one place at once. I have shut down. I am afraid and paranoid and question myself constantly. And she flourishes. I do not want to be staring at a computer screen right now. I want real human contact. I want to be living. But the fear and the questioning myself like I never have has worn me down.

The effects on a person's self esteem during verbal abuse can happen so subtly and so insiduously, that it can be difficult to detect when these effects become ingrained into a person's psyche. The emotional effects can continue long after the relationship has ended.

Seekingtounderstand, you said

I once was carefree and full of wanderlust and people would tell me the most amazing things and tell me I am the most unique person. I was never in one place at once. I have shut down. I am afraid and paranoid and question myself constantly. And she flourishes. I do not want to be staring at a computer screen right now. I want real human contact. I want to be living. But the fear and the questioning myself like I never have has worn me down.

It is as if she has sucked all the spark out of you. The person that you once were still remains, and you will find that person again. Every day you spend away from her, will be a day nearer to finding yourself again and rediscovering yourself. You will need to remind yourself that what she led you to believe about yourself were lies, designed to wear you down, to make you malleable and easier to control. If you can seek therapy, you can process all your feelings, and begin to reassemble yourself. There is still a spark of the person who you really are inside of you, and by treating yourself with the kindness you deserve, you will enable that person re re emerge, perhaps stronger than before.

The best way to save yourself from these type of people is to just avoid what they are talking about you. You have to save your children from these type of people also. This is the best option to save yourself from such type of people.

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