I am becoming abusive towards my boyfriend

I am a 24 year old women who lives with PTSD due to abuse as a child and who might possibly have another mental illness. At the moment, I am on the wait list to see a psychiatrist and have been for quite some time.
I moved in with my boyfriend a few months ago after dating for a year. Everything goes well until I slip into an 'episode' and I feel as though I am taking it out on him. Aside from sexual abuse, I watched my mother abuse my step father for over a decade. She abused me and my brothers as well, but I am noticing that lately I am doing some things to my boyfriend that are abusive in the same ways my mother was abusive to my step father (whom I love very much and am in contact with and has been my legal guardian since 16)
I had a breakdown in march, and am just recovering right now. I have tried to leave my boyfriend twice since moving back, all for irrational reasons and I suspect false in the motivation. I have also said (only once but i spurred me to seek help) that I would kill myself if he left me. I also asked if he would ever hit me, and I feel horribly for posing such an insensitive question.
Any suggestions on how to stop this behavior would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely yours,

Improving Mental Health

Hi maisymouse,

I don't know what kind of abusive things you do to your bf, but it might help to anticipate it coming and prevent it by physically separating from him for some time. F.i., if you feel the impulse to abuse him coming, leave the house immediately, take a walk, jog, run or do whatever you can to make the impulse go away. Some people say it helps when they journal their feelings. That helps not to act on them. I also think that you have to talk to your bf about it. Tell him that you understand that you are being abusive to him at times, take responsibility for it and apologize. Also tell him that you are working on it and that it is difficult for you to change your behavior soon. Ask him that you'd appreciate if he is patient with you, that you will do your best to change your behavior because you love him and don't want to loose him.

WM

Have you had any counselling or actual talking therapy ? It sounds as if you'd really benefit from it hun. From what you say, you'e re enacting episodes from the past and carrying them in to your relationship. You realise that you're becoming abusive and this is half the battle.

Please try to arrange to talk to someone about this as soon as you can.

Oh my, it sounds like you are returning to what you have seen all your life. You watched your mom abuse your step-dad and now you are doing the same thing.

PTSD has many interesting results. One, it is difficult for you to feel connected with anyone. You may love him, but may have trouble feeling truly connected. There may be some traits of Borderline Personality Disorder there as well with your threats to kill yourself if he would leave and the question about whether or not he would hit you. Your statements suggest a large amount of self-hatred, which you learned in your family of origin experiences.

It may not be a great idea to be living with anyone right now. Living with him may be triggering old memories and behaviors you have seen and experienced. Give yourself a break and get some distance. If you continue to live with him, then talk to him about your fears and feelings and you two develop a "safe word" or gesture that cues you that things are getting too intense. When you are in the moment, sometimes it is difficult to recognize that your feelings are getting out of control. Remove yourself from his presence and engage in something that helps you discharge those negative feelings. Depending on the person, it can be exercise like walking, running, and weight training; meditation and breathing exercises; or journaling your feelings and negative thoughts.
These are behaviors to employ in the immediate situation, but the long term takes therapy. I am glad to hear you are planning to see a psychiatrist, but they may not do any more than prescribe medication. You need some time with a therapist who is skilled in helping you find those negative thoughts and feelings and make changes as well as employ treatment modalities for PTSD.

You have a job in front of you, but because this does concern you now, it indicates that you have a good chance of changing your life. Good luck.