Verbally abusive ex... Stemming from history of child abuse

10 days of silence and not actively writing entries on this thread...

The past 10 days had been busy... I had my birthday.. Finished 5 days of exams...

And my ex greeted me on my special day..
He said he missed me, and he loves me..
And we've been talking ever since..

I didn't say I loved him back, and he said "don't say anything.."

At first, it was a painful "I miss him lots.".. And the wounds are still fresh I really don't know why I'm talking to him still but I just missed him.

He texted and called me back..slowly got back into our usual routine.. And kept telling me he loves me..

I just loved the attention.. Especially when I feel vulnerable and lonely in a new country..

Until one evening, I asked him what happened between the two of us..

What do you mean? He asks..

And I say, "what happened to you & me together forever?"

And he tells me, "it's still on."

What?! How come I didn't know about it?

He tells me, "Well, you weren't paying attention."

Omg... Who am I talking to? WHY am I talking to this person? Who is this person I fell in and out of love with? And how the hell did he find his way back to my heart like a hypnotic gaze ?!

He claims that we never went off, that he was just silent because he gave me time to study...
And I have to admit,, I ThAANKED HIM FOR GIVING ME THE SILENCE THAT I NEEDED. Now I feel that I'm going crazy again.

And at some point where I feel attached to him again, where I was craving for his attention again... He's starting to ignore me. He's brushing off my feelings. He's ignoring text messages. He's answering my messages 30 minutes after I send it. He's blowing hot & cold on me. And I found myself chasing my tail again, and telling myself... I've been through this before. It's like watching a re-run. Only it's not as emotionally charged. I already know what's going to happen... Yet I can't let go and I know that texting him at first seems harmless... But im wasting my time and ... My dignity on him

Hun, you've come so far, and very often a forward journey consists of three steps forward, two steps back. As long as the steps forward exceed the backward steps, you're progressing.

You might like to fill your time with things that distract you from yearning and thinking about him. It's not always easy, but you're moving forwards.

How are things for you generally in your life?

this is the 3rd time i tried posting it doesnt seem to want to go through...

4 months of silence, i came back with my bf. and now he just broke up with me last Saturday.

I started my first therapy session last Friday. I couldn't stand being in this relationship anymore, because I couldn't find myself 100% happy. something was wrong. i can't figure it out.

So I told my ex about it, he started calling me nuts. he was teasing, but he wouldn't stop. i was deeply hurt. I told him that our relationship was the trigger point for my therapy, as i needed to deal with issues from the past.

Saturday morning, my ex started to ask me to get married and have kids. it went on the whole day of Saturday, of course I was excited coz i thought he loved me even if i had issues. until, that night, I told him that when we're together, there is verbal and emotional abuse. he asked me if it was from him. i said yes, and sometimes from me too. and from there, he broke up with me. he said we needed to date other people. that fast. that quick. he bailed out. and so, I reacted with a simple "Goodbye". and he just told me he will miss me...

I am still sad and crying. but it was a mutual agreement. i still love him, but i need to love me more.
questions still run in my mind, like, how can he let go of me that fast? If I had kept to myself that I was going therapy, maybe he would still be around... but... i tried to be true to myself last weekend. and i hope i made the right decision.. stick to it.. even if it is painful..

That's so difficult, Angel. I'm so sorry he reacted like that when you were being honest with him.

SILENCE.
Silence for the past months meant that.. again, my ex came back with me after a week of breaking up...
And posting in this forum meant that it did not work out... for the nth time...

He spent Christmas and his birthday with me here in Canada... coming all the way down from Texas. and now it's been a week of no communication. He simply stopped talking to me.

I tend to glorify the good parts of the relationship, and ignore the obviously bad parts. But for the past few days of not talking to him, my career seem to be getting more promising. I just got accepted for the position that I applied for. I am setting new goals and dreams for this year. I am getting more excited with my new life here in Canada... now that I know that he doesn't have any definite plans for our future together... I am building my own 'castles'.

How do I let him go of my mind and heart?...

I'm sorry, Angel. I wish I had better answers for you. I think that you could perhaps go No Contact with him. Don't pick up the phone if you know it's him calling [get caller recognition if you need it on your phone.] Filter his emails into a folder that you look at only once a day. Or once a week, if you can manage that. Consider blocking him on IM and Twitter and defriending him Facebook [if any of these are applicable.]

If you're not constantly reminded of him, that'll give your heart time to heal. And that will allow you to focus more on the exciting parts of your life. On what you want to happen in the future. Building your castles without him in them [or outside them, or within a thousand miles of them.] When you are reminded of him, choose to remember that he doesn't care about you as a person. Try to remember the whole relationship, not just the good bits. This isn't the man for you. The nice things about him, you WILL find in someone else. And without the bad aspects. No cheating, no manipulation, no lies and deceit. Keep looking towards that future and stay strong. You've come so far already, you can do this.

Thanks Ada.

I wrote a longer entry than this... but I lost it I don't know where it went and I have poured my heart out on that thread...

I will do NO CONTACT. Thanks

So frustrating when that happens, losing posts! I sometimes open up a text file and type in there, then copy and paste.