Verbally abusive ex... Stemming from history of child abuse

Can I share a little something with you? When I was with my abusive ex I tried to leave him many times and was always somehow drawn back in. If you google "Hoovering in Relationships" you will see that this is a tactic they use to draw you back in. They act in good ways, saying all the right things, convincing you that they've changed, swearing undying love etc etc. They call this "hoovering". Anyway, on one occassion, I actually left him. It was his best friend that helped me to do it. His friend could see everything that was going on and he was the only person who believed that I was being abused. Nothing was ever going on between me and his friend and he was actually gay, but my ex was very jealous. It came to the point when his friend came to see right through him and noticed his devious dealings with other people in his life, and his friend became my friend, and told me that he only came to visit just to see how I was. When my ex turned against his friend and caused trouble between my friend and his mother, I decided to leave him. I had nowhere to go and his friend's mother said I could stay with her. I left and had been there for a couple of days when I got a text from my ex saying his dog had been killed. I was very fond of the dog and he convinced me to go and see him. His friend warned me that this was a lie designed to suck me back in and begged me not to go back to him as he said that if I did, he would emotionally destroy me. I phoned him to tell him that I wasn't going back, and heard him crying on the phone. He had never cried in front of me before, or at all when I come to think of it. He then told me he loved me. He had never told me that before, and they were the words I had been waiting to hear all through our relationship. I naively thought that if he said these words, he meant them and that he would change and that everything would be alright. I remember thinking that I had a choice. I could go back or I could start a new life without him. It was those three words that convinced me to go back. Of course, when I went back, I found that his dog hadn't died. He said he made a mistake about the dog!!!! A mistake?????? Once I was back in his clutches the abuse got worse and at every opportunity he accused me of having an affair with his friend. His friend was very hurt that I didn't listen to him, and our friendship ended. I still miss this guy to this day. My ex then spread a smear campaign against his friend and practically ruined his reputation. I got hoovered back in and it was about another 18 months before I finally made my escape, this time for good, and I never looked back.

I'm telling you this so that you are aware of what may happen tomorrow.

I remember thinking that I had a choice. I could go back or I could start a new life without him.

This was one of those moments in my life when I KNEW on some sort of deep and primal level that a simple decision I made had the power to alter the entire course of my life. It was that powerful. I made the wrong choice. I stayed. I wish I had left him sooner, and wonder what course my life had taken if I hadn't gone back. I will never know. All I know is that I lost a dear and valued friend because I made the wrong decision and endured more abuse. Hun, I believe in synchronicity and that sometimes people come into our lives, even if only for five minutes, to tell us just the thing that we need to hear to help us at a particular time in our lives. My words to you would be to realise that every decision you make in life makes an impact upon what happens next in your life.

When you go to see him, remember that if he tries to draw you back in, THIS COULD AFFECT THE ENTIRE COURSE OF YOUR LIFE. Please be wise and keep safe.

Glad you're keeping in touch. I wish you well.

I safely arrive Canada yesterday.

The night before that, my ex called me. Because he wanted to know what our real status was. I admit that I did tell him that I regretted breaking up with him the second time, and I want to give it a shot to try long distance again. He told me that's what he wanted too but I can't go flip flapping on him all the time.

So yesterday at the airport, it was really nice to see him again. I was happy and seem to be moving on with my life, since I was bound to go to Canada while he on the other hand, looked distraught. He said he didn't have enough sleep and was tired. He was just there, I held his hand, and I asked him... What do we do now... He was not talking that much.

So I told him, what if I still want us to talk... He said, he can't do the flip flapping anymore. And I said, then why did you have to see me here at the airport then? He said, ok, finish your exams first, settle yourself in Canada, then we talk about this. He also said that I have to do the initiative this time since I was the one who broke up with him twice.

He hugged me so tight and said, I love you. The moment called for it so I said I love him too, which is very true. But he held back, and said, wait... We have to think about this before continuing, I don't want you to go flip flapping on me again.

Honestly and truly, the main reason why I broke up was he cheated on me. I accidentally saw him texting with a lady who replied to her that she misses him too. I never told him I snooped thru his phone and saw three other women,, one was saying she was in town, the other one was breaking up with him, and the other one was missing him. Yes I found out about this on the last day when I stayed in his house for a week.

I confronted him, about one lady. And he denied it. And there was no more discussion about it, as he smooched his way through my accusation.

I have no self esteem to accept him again even with this knowledge. In my mind, my grandfather had a second family without us knowing, my father cheated on my mom. My brother had girlfriends at the same time. I can love someone who cheats on me...

And yet a small still voice tells me to walk away... Just walk away and never turn back...

This morning, he texted me if I arrived Canada. Coz I left him wondering yesterday. So, i told him, yes I'm ok. And then, I randomly asked him, "why do men like collecting old cars? And why do they restore the old car, when the new one works for them".
He said, "so we can be away from our wife and girlfriends."
My heart was raging mad and furious and told him it doesn't sound good to me.. Wife & girlfriends?? He said he was just playing and that men like cars because they run fast.

And so I told him that take me off the list of his women because I believe in monogamy..and oh, you already took me off the list...

He simply stated, "I'm tired of this."

And so I ended it with, "it's ok. I'm not going to bother you no more."

That was 7 hours ago.

I just prayed and wrote in my journal, until now, that I am again haunted by this man who has been the source of my joy and misery. A bittersweet combination that I need to walk away from, but I know I am capable of springing back to our familiar drama. Help!

I am on Day 18 with this devotional... Overcoming a break up spiritually, a 30 day devotional...

http://www.authonomy.com/books/24565/ov ... 36#chapter
[url][http://www.authonomy.com/books/24565/overcoming-a-breakup-spiritually-30-days-of-healing-devotionals/read-book/?chapterid=241036#chapter/url]

I woke up with the sounds of birds chirping outside my window. I am loving the weather up here in Canada. Spring time has never been better. I am a woman of faith, and I believe that God has strategically placed me back here in Canada to be away from my ex, to start a new life. New seasons, new beginnings.

I am grateful for this site. Thank you Masquerade for increasing my awareness over the situation that I was at. I knew I've always given my ex more than enough chances for the type of relationship that we had. But with these new things that I have learned, gas lighting and Hoovering, and confirmation that I was in an abusive relationship, I know that I have a lot of healing to do within myself. I cannot drag another person with me for now.

I will be looking for a therapist for the next couple of weeks. I hope and pray that we would all be healed and live an abundant life, despite our circumstances ... Despite all the hurts that haunt our minds. God bless everyone!

Hun, I won't be around much until Monday, but for now I want to say that this is a chance for a new begining for you, in which you can be anyone you choose. It might sound like a cliche, but it is so true. Therapy sounds good, it will be life changing for you. I will write more on Monday, but I just wanted you to know I have read your post, and that I'm thinking of you.

Today I have peace in my heart. I have been productive with my studies since I have an exam coming up. My soul feels fresh and renewed and worry-free. I have been slowly emptying myself of my past to be able to accept a brighter & more promising life ahead of me.

Why do I miss my ex? I have no urge to talk to him. He's not texting me either. I just miss him.

It has been a tumultuous month for me, maybe the emotional roller coaster ride has ended. And what I'm feeling is a hangover. A long-overdue hangover.

Maybe my scars are slowly healing. And I just need to be steady .. And have faith that everything's going to be all right...

P.S. last night I had a dream, I was taking a shower and the one who abused me was by the door, slowly walking towards me. I was screaming with a small voice, saying "go away!". The scream was slowly getting louder until I was able to scream on top of my lungs, "GO AWAY!!!". And he left me, without saying anything. I wrapped myself with a towel, everything was colored yellow, and called out to my abuser, "you have been disrespectful of me!!!". And then I woke up, feeling like one chain from my past child abuse was broken free.

sharing a poem to capture my emotion when my ex texted me "Hi"


hi.

is all i can ask.
is all i can say for now.
is all that you can give me.

hi.

can mean a lot of things.
can mean you want something.
can even mean nothing.

hi.

two letters that barely makes a sound.
two letters that can simply be a sigh.
two letters that can also mean goodbye.

hi.

i decided to not text back.
i decided to keep my peace.
i decided to walk away.

hi.

you don't know how much i miss you.
you don't know how much i love you.
you don't know how hard it is to let go.

hi.

is that all you can say after our break up?
is that all you can say to make up?
is that all you can say...?

hi.

hi.

goodbye.

Hun, all the emotions that you are going through now, all the mixed feelings, all the bittersweet memories, are all a part of the new process of healing.

As soon as you settle, it would help if you could arrange therapy for yourself. Please, also keep posting here, as there will come a day when you will look back and read these posts and you will see how far you have come in your journey.

Here is a sound by a band called "The The" called "This is the Day (your life will surely change)" Powerful lyrics.

Thanks Masquerade.

Today, I am at peace with myself.

Though I have lingering thoughts and feelings towards my ex. It's like an undefinable knot in my gut that's just there. Or like a scar that you don't really want to heal, you don't really want to let go. Maybe I still love and care for him? Maybe. Maybe I will miss him for a long time.

Funny thing is, I don't have the urge to text him. I have displaced that urge by talking to people around me, listening to music, and texting bible verses to friends and family. But texting him is out of the question.. Unless I would want to open a Pandora's box of betrayal, hurt, lies, deceit and resentment. I lost the blind trust that I used to give him. I lost the hope and fantasy that he would love me forever. I lost the drive to di everything in my power to keep the relationship alive. Now, it's like that heart monitor, slowly beeping 40x a minute ... until the heart goes flatline... Please... Do not resuscitate.

I forgot the link to the song. This song became my anthem when I left my ex.
http://youtu.be/-32AAp418V4

Though I have lingering thoughts and feelings towards my ex. It's like an undefinable knot in my gut that's just there. Or like a scar that you don't really want to heal, you don't really want to let go. Maybe I still love and care for him? Maybe. Maybe I will miss him for a long time.

Hun, no one can turn their feelings on and off like a tap. Of course, you are feeling this way. There will have been times when the relationship wasn't all "bad" and of course you will have bittersweet memories of those halcyon honeymoon days, when everything seemed to be idyllic. Nothing is ever black and white. There is a grey area in the middle. It's important that you grieve for the past, for the person you sometimes saw glimpses of, for the person you wanted him to be, for the times that were good. As the thread at the top of the forum says, we all need to go through those stages of grieving. They are necessary, very much so. There will come a time, however, when one day you will wake up and realise that you haven't thought about him for a week. Then it will be longer. There will be times when a song or a smell brings you back to the past, but it won't hurt so much. One day you will know that you are over the pain, and will be able to move forward. It won't last forever, but for now, you need to process all of these emotions.

Funny thing is, I don't have the urge to text him. I have displaced that urge by talking to people around me, listening to music, and texting bible verses to friends and family. But texting him is out of the question.. Unless I would want to open a Pandora's box of betrayal, hurt, lies, deceit and resentment. I lost the blind trust that I used to give him. I lost the hope and fantasy that he would love me forever. I lost the drive to di everything in my power to keep the relationship alive. Now, it's like that heart monitor, slowly beeping 40x a minute ... until the heart goes flatline... Please... Do not resuscitate.

Every day is a new day, and you are showing so much strength. Be kind to yourself. Don't expect too much of yourself. Accept the present moment.

Ruminating.

I find myself ruminating over the past relationship... The why's and the how's and the what-if's... And I have my close friend reminding me and helping me to see the bigger picture. I am worried that I may be dwelling over it and makes it harder for me to move on.

He's just not that into me.

7 words that sting and sometimes make me feel like a cripple. One thing that I'm proud of at this moment is that I was able to walk away, literally & figuratively. However, my heart and my mind are still trying to catch up with each other... Because of lingering feelings that I need to address. True, it doesn't go away with a snap of my fingers but, sometimes I wish that I would just stop thinking about him and talking about him.

Will I ever love again? Will I be able to love myself 100%? Do I still have time to find love and start a family? How can I deal with my history of abuse and still find love?

Weak moments. This is me giving in to my weak moments...