by Angel78 » Fri May 25, 2012 10:21 pm
I safely arrive Canada yesterday.
The night before that, my ex called me. Because he wanted to know what our real status was. I admit that I did tell him that I regretted breaking up with him the second time, and I want to give it a shot to try long distance again. He told me that's what he wanted too but I can't go flip flapping on him all the time.
So yesterday at the airport, it was really nice to see him again. I was happy and seem to be moving on with my life, since I was bound to go to Canada while he on the other hand, looked distraught. He said he didn't have enough sleep and was tired. He was just there, I held his hand, and I asked him... What do we do now... He was not talking that much.
So I told him, what if I still want us to talk... He said, he can't do the flip flapping anymore. And I said, then why did you have to see me here at the airport then? He said, ok, finish your exams first, settle yourself in Canada, then we talk about this. He also said that I have to do the initiative this time since I was the one who broke up with him twice.
He hugged me so tight and said, I love you. The moment called for it so I said I love him too, which is very true. But he held back, and said, wait... We have to think about this before continuing, I don't want you to go flip flapping on me again.
Honestly and truly, the main reason why I broke up was he cheated on me. I accidentally saw him texting with a lady who replied to her that she misses him too. I never told him I snooped thru his phone and saw three other women,, one was saying she was in town, the other one was breaking up with him, and the other one was missing him. Yes I found out about this on the last day when I stayed in his house for a week.
I confronted him, about one lady. And he denied it. And there was no more discussion about it, as he smooched his way through my accusation.
I have no self esteem to accept him again even with this knowledge. In my mind, my grandfather had a second family without us knowing, my father cheated on my mom. My brother had girlfriends at the same time. I can love someone who cheats on me...
And yet a small still voice tells me to walk away... Just walk away and never turn back...
This morning, he texted me if I arrived Canada. Coz I left him wondering yesterday. So, i told him, yes I'm ok. And then, I randomly asked him, "why do men like collecting old cars? And why do they restore the old car, when the new one works for them".
He said, "so we can be away from our wife and girlfriends."
My heart was raging mad and furious and told him it doesn't sound good to me.. Wife & girlfriends?? He said he was just playing and that men like cars because they run fast.
And so I told him that take me off the list of his women because I believe in monogamy..and oh, you already took me off the list...
He simply stated, "I'm tired of this."
And so I ended it with, "it's ok. I'm not going to bother you no more."
That was 7 hours ago.
I just prayed and wrote in my journal, until now, that I am again haunted by this man who has been the source of my joy and misery. A bittersweet combination that I need to walk away from, but I know I am capable of springing back to our familiar drama. Help!