Verbally abusive ex... Stemming from history of child abuse

Hello everyone.

I am a 33 yo female, turning 34 in 2 weeks, and I just got out of a pseudo-relationship that was verbally and emotionally abusive. Only to realize that this is the tip of the iceberg, as I have also been abused when I was a child.

And I have always wondered why I feel like I'm running away from someone, or something... I really don't know. I am grateful to have been given talent & perseverance--being granted the best education in my country in Asia since I was 11 yo, finished pre-med in our state university, and passed the medical boards in my country when I was 25. But it was only during the last years of medical school that I realized that despite my accomplishments, I felt broken. I had a lot of close friends, but could not sustain a long-lasting and fulfilling relationship. I just felt broken, and realized that I was a victim of sexual molestation.

Since then I felt like running away. My friend told me that I should not worry about it too much since I turned out to be an accomplished individual. My mother told me that everything turned out fine, I was the pride of the family. I read tons of self help books, but nothing got into the core of my issues.

Yes, I am a wounded healer trying to heal my own wounds.

Due to the economic instability in our country, I took up Nursing to be able to go the the United States. I was only granted 3 yrs to work in the US. Fortunately, I was granted an immigrant status to Canada. My career seems stable, but in retrospect, when it comes to matters of the heart, I had a hard time establishing healthy emotional relationships.

As I embark on my journey towards healing from abuse, whether I start from the top or bottom of my "iceberg", I hope and pray that I would find answers to my questions and at the same time, bring healing to those who can relate to my situation.

It sounds as if you have an incredible sense of self awareness and insight into yourself, which will help you in your journey of healing. Those who can find some kind of meaning, even within the context of their suffering, are those who go on to grow as people, and who bring something of what they have learnt to others, helping them to also find their way.

You said

Since then I felt like running away. My friend told me that I should not worry about it too much since I turned out to be an accomplished individual. My mother told me that everything turned out fine, I was the pride of the family. I read tons of self help books, but nothing got into the core of my issues.

It sounds as if there have been times when others have invalidated what you have been through, minimizing the impact that it had upon you. It may be that you now need to be heard by someone in an empathic way, with no assumptions being made, with no advice, just an atmosphere of acceptance and validation. To be heard in this way can greatly help you on your journey of healing. Perhaps you could find a therapist who could walk beside you and simply acknowledge what you have been through? By simply being heard in this way, you can gain an opportunity to get to the core of your issues in a way that is gentle, non demanding and very effective.

You said

Yes, I am a wounded healer trying to heal my own wounds.

The analogy of the wounded healer is very accurate. It is perhaps those who have experienced pain, and learnt a lot about themselves in the process, who then go on to help and others, using their own experiences and insight as tools for empathic understanding. I would like to tell you something that I discovered on my own life journey. For a long time I knew I had issues from my past that needed addressing, and I was very aware that something was not right with my life. I tried to help myself, but didn't know how, and kept coming to a halt in the healing process. One day I met a person who said that she would walk with me, and accompany me on my journey. She walked beside me as I FOUND MY OWN WAY. She didn't direct me or even guide me. She simply walked beside me. I then began to heal my own wounds. No one needs to make this journey alone. This person was my therapist. The job of a therapist isn't to guide or suggest, or even to heal. Their task is to walk beside you, and encourage you to make your own discoveries, embark on your own journey, and to heal your own wounds. Having company on the journey makes it so much easier, and it enriches the journey. If we journey alone, then we might miss the beautiful sunset that someone else points out to us.

You said

As I embark on my journey towards healing from abuse, whether I start from the top or bottom of my "iceberg", I hope and pray that I would find answers to my questions and at the same time, bring healing to those who can relate to my situation.

May you find your answers, and extend your compassion towards others. Perhaps the purest form of compassion, from which true compassion towards others stems, is the compassion we show to ourselves. I wish you well.

Thank you for your extensive response masquerade... Now I am more convinced that I do need a therapist.

Today, which is 2 days before I leave for Canada, I broke my no-contact rule with my ex... Just when I decided to take my baby steps towards healing, it just felt more comfortable to be talking again with my ex...

Even if I know that our relationship is not healthy, I feel so weak and vulnerable giving in and talking once more with my abuser.

I met him online last year, Mother's day. We went out 3x on the weekends that month and everything happened really quick. He was 10 yrs older than me, and I simply let myself get smitten by his words, and slept together on the fourth date. I knew that he will be stationed to Afghanistan for the next 4 months and that I too, will be ending my contract with the hospital that I was working with. We continued to communicating through email and he would call me once a week, Skype every week, and I already felt that we were in a real relationship. September last year, he told me he was going to marry me so I didn't have to migrate to Canada. I believed him for that. But when he came back November, no ring on my hand. And I left for Canada. He promised he would visit me.

I had a hard time starting my new life in Canada, as I left a "significant other" in the US. I wanted to break up with him last Jan 2012, but then he said that he would sponsor for my fiancé visa so we could be together. I got too excited, went back to the US to visit my family last March, and ever since, my ex (ambiguous relationship) and I planned to live together before we plan to get married.

Last week of April, finally, after a lot of pushing and tugging, we lived together for one week. And this was the time when I finally saw his true colors. Everyday I felt weaker, and drained, and very much controlled. I am a morning person, he wasn't. I talk a lot, he's very quiet. Each day felt like I was walking on egg shells because he got upset when I talk too much, especially in the morning. At some point, he even covered my mouth when he was behind me, and that gave me quite a shock.

I am a confident woman, but when I was with him, I felt less of a person. He controls the clothes that I would wear, the side of the bed that I need to sleep at, the side of the sofa that I could sit on, the mug that I can use. He corrects the way that I use words, and I just let him do that because I was in love. Or so I thought.

The 3rd day that I was in his house, I wanted to go home because I felt so trapped. I was miserable. He gets upset with the little things I do. I wanted to tour around his town, but he wanted us to stay in his house all day and watch tv. There were so many things to do outside, but I felt like he wants us to be isolated or something. I thought it was just his personality, but, I couldn't pinpoint at that time, what was wrong with our arrangement.

On the 5th day being with him, I was afraid to talk. I felt like a child who needs to please this man. I thought I was simply in love, but being afraid doesn't sound like love to me...

When I read your post, I noticed that you talked about the time when you lived with your ex in the present tense, which made me wonder if you feel that there is some kind of unfinished business, as if you had no sense of closure perhaps. I wonder, has your ex accepted that the relationship is over?

Being in an abusive relationship can cause a person to question their own thought processes, and not trust their own opinions and feelings, and after they leave such a relationship, they can find it difficult to adjust. If a person has felt unable to trust their own thoughts, feelings and opinions because they have been controlled, then they often take on their ex's viewpoints as their own. If your ex hasn't accepted that this relationship is over, do you feel that you may be influenced by his misconceptions, as if your decision to end things was somehow invalid? I'm only guessing here, but I'm wondering if you would agree with this? Is it possible that breaking the no contact may have put you back a bit emotionally, so that you feel that you are right back in there again, in that abusive situation, reliving the old thoughts and feelings, and falling into the pattern of losing your own sense of self because it has become obscured by his wishes and his demands?

Therapy can help you to explore the past, and to revisit it in a way that is safe for you. The fact that you were also abused as a child could also be very relevant.

You have come a long way, but don't need to be hard on yourself for breaking the no contact rule. Perhaps a part of your new found autonomy could be to realise that you are free to make your own mistakes sometimes. You are not weak and vulnerable for breaking the no contact rule. He has, in the past, caused you to feel this way, because if you are feeling weak and vulnerable, he can attempt to maintain control. In reality, he is the one with the insecurities, or why would he feel it necessary to control your every movement? You, on the other hand, have shown empowerment and strength. What matters is where you go from here. It would be a good idea to have therapy, and to take each day on its own merits, one day at a time.

It can also help if you can find one thing that is good in every day. This could be something small, such as a sunset, but it will help you to find pleasure in the simple things, and to realise that life can be good and beautiful.

Reading the article at the top of the forum called The Seven Stages of Grief after the end of a Relationship may help you to make some sense of the emotions that you are going through. Although it was an abusive relationship, it still needs to be grieved over as you have undergone a loss, a loss of what was familiar to you, and what may have appeared to be "safe" because of its familiarity.

One small step at a time, and you will come through this.

Being in an abusive relationship can cause a person to question their own thought processes, and not trust their own opinions and feelings, and after they leave such a relationship, they can find it difficult to adjust. If a person has felt unable to trust their own thoughts, feelings and opinions because they have been controlled, then they often take on their ex's viewpoints as their own. If your ex hasn't accepted that this relationship is over, do you feel that you may be influenced by his misconceptions, as if your decision to end things was somehow invalid? I'm only guessing here, but I'm wondering if you would agree with this? Is it possible that breaking the no contact may have put you back a bit emotionally, so that you feel that you are right back in there again, in that abusive situation, reliving the old thoughts and feelings, and falling into the pattern of losing your own sense of self because it has become obscured by his wishes and his demands?

THiS IS SO TRUE, masquerade!

It was that "comfortable" and familiar feeling that I was missing. The need for validation from this person, even though I have thoroughly came up with the decision to break up with him.

So I did try to talk to him today thru txt, after 2 days of NC. I said I was sorry, for crushing his heart for the 2nd time this month. He said he still wanted to talk but it just hurts. And it is true, I told him the reason I broke up with him is because I was pressured by my trip back to Canada. THIS WAS HiS IDEA when we were talking. But that was not my main reason... So iI did assimilate HIS ways of thinking.. And I was so comfortable in admitting it.

At the end of the night, I suddenly felt that he was putting all the blame on me regarding our break up... I did start to apologize for it. He never admitted any contribution, and so I ended our conversation with... "now I remember why it ended between us..." which was true... He kept turning the tables and made me feel bad about myself again.

I'm moving on. I'll just keep walking away...

My mind is going in circles again. It feels like a had a taste of an addicting drug that I was trying to be free from. Talking to my ex stirred up familiar and unwanted emotions. That's why they should be called ex...

And it does sound weird, that I used the present tense as if it was still happening. I may have ended the relationship, but the sense of giving up my control over to him is still here.

I'm going to keep walking and move on.

relationship/topic84035.html

Take a look at the above link about the Seven Stages of Grief after the end of a relationship. Sometimes in cases of abuse the grief can be compounded and complicated. Knowing where you are at in each of the stages may help.

You have to remember that YOU did nothing wrong and that none of this was your fault, no matter what he says. It's important to trust YOUR own judgements, feelings and opinions.

If you Google "Gaslighting in Relationships" you will find information about how abusive partners change information, distort things and cause you to doubt your own perceptions. This could be what has happened in your case. Gaslighting can cause a lot of confusion and the abuser will often deny the perceptions of their partner, even to the point of denying that the abuse actually happened, which causes an extreme feeling of invalidation.

Let me know if you find this helpful.

GASLIGHTING EFFECT...
Every new word and concept that you're telling me clearly defines what I have gone through...

I have been fortunate enough to sense the signs of abuse when in fact, it was only ONE WEEK that I stayed in his house. ONE WEEK!!! I had a long distance relationship mostly and yet I still had the inclination and was lured to my ex despite the circumstances.

I can say that what my ex & I had was this "gas lighting effect" in the past relationship. He was able to manipulate me, even if he would always mention.."I'm not trying to manipulate you...". There was a shot gun on the side of my bed where he wanted me. He also showed me one of his hand guns, said it was for protection. And vulnerable me let myself lured and seduced my this seemingly powerful man. Everything was vivid in my memory when I stayed in his house FOR A WEEK! Let alone a lifetime, if he did push through with marriage.

I also read "Mr. unavailable & Fallback girl", which exemplified How certain relationships exist despite being unhealthy.

I am leaving for Canada tomorrow, and my ex is going to see me at the airport for his lunch break so he can say goodbye. I allowed him to be there...

Hun, keep yourself safe emotionally and physically, and be aware that he might try to draw you back in. If you feel tempted, it might help if you can remember the reality of how he treated you. Remember, words are cheap. They are easy to say and may sound convincing, but actions reflect the reality of a situation.

I wish you well. Please keep in touch with the forum and keep us updated.

Keep safe hun.

It really is hard to do the NO CONTACT RULE with him. He finds his way back, because I have been leaving the "door ajar". I already ended the relationship, and he keeps saying it was my decision. I don't understand why I feel that I am to blame for the break up. Hopefully by the time I get 2000 miles away from him, I can move on with my life.

Thank you Masquerade. I'll keep in touch.