Verbal abuse after having a baby

I have a 15 month old baby and my husband constantly belittles me, insults me and calls me names and doubts everything I so claiming that other women do it better. He is always angry and finds a reason to blame me for all the problems. After having a baby little over a year ago my situation steadily declined. I am staying at home for the baby however I have had a very successful professional life, won awards and recognition for my work. I had made a conscious decision to give family priority and left my job in another country to marry my husband and be with him. He now claims that I am a free rider and eating up his resources. I very well know that I work my butt off to take care of the baby and try to make my husband happy by making him breakfast, lunch and dinner every single day, doing his laundry, running errands, cleaning...everything...so much so that I pretty much don't do anything for myself. He keeps saying that I am insecure and that it is my problem. Yes I do feel insecure for the way my husband behaves with me inspite of all that I do for him and the baby. Sometimes I feel that it's just in my mind or is this really abuse?

... hm it sounds like you got some relationship issues and perhaps aren't feeling appreciated for your role in taking care of the child, can I ask though, does he feel as though day care is an acceptable alternative? perhaps he is feeling jealous at extra attention that could have funneled out of the relationship and into the child, you could ask him and see what his feelings are about the subject matter. or perhaps hiring a sitter daily for a couple hours during the morning or day to free up some of your time would be an option so you could take a break during the day.

Best,

- Labor.

thisislabor, I did consider that myself however him calling me a free rider is just something unacceptable to me and anyway it is as if I really don't deserve anything. I know his first answer will be "how do other women do it? or are you just incapable. You can't even do one thing right". I do give him time. We have all meals together, besides the baby is off to sleep at 8.30 and no night wakings. I have been organized all along in giving the baby good habits which gives us rest of the time. I do give him time to do things for us but it always seems to en up in a disaster.

Yesterday I totally had it. He just kept calling me names and I threw a small plastic lid at him as I was emptying the dishwasher. It didn't even hit him but he pushed me and kicked my behind real hard. All evening he just kept glaring at me and as he was retiring he said, "I have never told this to you out of politeness but you really stink, i mean bad smell". I just kept quiet. Sometimes he will do nice things like bring dinner for mother's day and on other days it is this. I sometimes feel as if it really is my fault.

This has gone beyond the normal irritability and adjustment period that lots of parents face after the birth of a child, and I feel that you know this, and need someone to confirm this for you. Hun, please trust your own perceptions. This is the first step in reclaiming your sense of power. If it feels like abuse, it is abuse. You have no need to ask other people's opinions on this. Please trust your own. YOUR feelings are REAL. YOUR feelings are VALID.

I know that you shouldn't have thrown a plastic lid at him, but his reaction was extreme to say the least. He has actually assaulted you. This is illegal. He has no right to do this. You need to keep yourself safe, and think of the safety of your child. It has been proven that what some people may dismiss as "mild" violence always escalates. All violence has to have a starting point, which often begins with a push, a light slap, or a shove. It is NEVER ACCEPTABLE. It is NEVER MINOR. All violence has the potential to escalate, and people have been know to fall over and fatally hurt themselves after a light shove. Therefore, ALL forms of violence are extremely dangerous. Also, make no mistake, the consequences and psychological effects from verbal violence are equally damaging.

NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT. Re read those words. You are not to blame for this. Please seek the help of a therapist who can help you deal with the emotions you're feeling right now, and find yourself a women's group in your area who can advise you on the steps you need to keep yourself safe. I have copied a link from the Domestic Violence Forum on another thread here, and will find it for you as it contains useful advice.

Please feel free to post on here hun, and let me know that you are okay.

verbal-abuse/topic89431.html#p810538

Patricia Evans, author of several books about verbal abuse, notes that oftentimes abuse begins after a significant life event (such as the birth of a child). At that time, the abuser feels that he's "finally got you" where he wants you. And you must admit, now that there's a child involved, that may increase your hesitancy to leave.

I respectfully disagree with the poster who suggested finding a "solution" to the problem via daycare. Your man isn't looking for solutions, he's looking for reasons to abuse.

I completely agree with the woman who says you are being abused. It is true: what you're experiencing is abuse. I know you feel badly about throwing the lid (I threw keys once). Abuse causes us to do things and say things we wouldn't normally say or do. It's a defense mechanism. But trust me when I say your husband will never let you forget how physically violent YOU were that day. He is wrong, of course, but he will lie about it just as he's lying about you being a horrible mom/wife.

If you do not want to believe me and the other lady who knows what she's talking about, please call the experts at the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-SAFE).

Tonic

Welcome to the forums,

Please clarify some things for me.

tonic wrote: I ....... left my job in another country to marry my husband and be with him.

Are you an official resident in the new country ?

Are you feeling trapped, and worried about being deported ( because of visa concerns) without support making you scared to leave this abuser?

Which country is your child a native of ? I suspect your abuser/husband is saying (or will say) if you leave your child stays with him, which will tear your heart out. ( It is also probably wrong if you have registered the birth with your embassy.... But please don't quote me on this.)

Does the embassy of the country on your passport know you are in the area ? I suspect if they know where you are they will check on your welfare occassionally. I would be very surprised if the embassy does not know of regular social events of your fellow ex-pats. If you can get to them.

tonic wrote: I have had a very successful professional life, won awards and recognition for my work.

Are your qualifications recognised in the new country? Therefore can you return to the work you clearly love ? Perhaps part time. Or as an advisor?

Everbody needs adult communication on their level. I can't help wondering whether you are only regularly communicating with this abuser and your baby ?

tonic wrote:He now claims that I am a free rider and eating up his resources.

Exactly how tight is the financial hobble round your neck?

It could be my immagination but it sounds like (from reading between the lines) he is trying to turn you into his slave. And almost got there?

Sorry for the length. How can we help ?

I am a legal law abiding resident without any fear of being deported. I have a terminal degree in my field and recognized qualifications from one of the top universities. However my current immigration status does not permit me to work. i was consulting remotely to overseas clients until the baby was born. But now it's almost impossible to run behind the child all day and at night sit and work to meet up the time difference overseas. I certainly don't want to take up illegal employment! The only option for me is to go back to my home country to gain my personal and financial independence. But due to the child in the middle I really don't want to be in a position to decided for the child for my personal reasons. I still have my own savings and even with my husband we are financially very well off. But that's not even the point. The point is that is this behavior even justified regardless of financial and immigration statuses?

No hun, this behaviour is not justified. Ever.

Please see this link for planning for your safety prior to a violent incident.

domestic-abuse/topic11734.html#p55805

I have sent you details of resources in your area to you by private PM.

I apologise.

I clearly misunderstood your posts.