Personal verbal attacks during arguements

Since leaving my ex four months ago, I have had to reexam and question our 15 relationship.
I can honestly say I never stated an arguement. Isn't there something wrong if one party (myself)
continually tells themself that the best course of action during an arguement is to say very little regardless of the personal verbal attacks. Isn't there something wrong if any thing I say to say I was sorry or explain the situation simply made things worst. Saddly, therer were times when the verbal became physical. during the last argument I finally said: "You hit me continually" I immediately change that to "ocassionally". (To be truth, this was in December of 2011 and the last time he hit me was in July of 2011.) He simply said: " I have only hit you eight times" (over 15 yrs).

It's very common for someone, after the end of an abusive relationship, to examine the dynamics and make sense of them in their mind. This post relationship analysis can help a person to learn and recognise the signs of potential abuse in subsequent relationships. It's a very healthy thing to do, and can be a constructive way of channelling all the emotions that would be felt anyway at the end of a relationship. (See the thread at the top of this forum about the seven stages of grief after the end of a relationship)

For now, you're preoccupied in asking yourself a lot of questions and it is likely now that you can see in retrospect what was abusive behaviour. It's possible that at the time when you were in the relationship you were somewhat blinded.

It seems as if you are now recognising the inbalances of power that were at play and the injustices. (For example you ex's justification of violence by saying that he "only" hit you 8 times, as it this somehow made it "okay". By recognising the inconsistencies you are beginning to reclaim your personal power, and this is perhaps the best form of "revenge". By reclaiming you power, you can improve your self esteem and sense of autonomy and self.

Therapy can be a further help for you. It can help you to process your feelings and to channel your energy in a constructive manner to enable you to enjoy the present, grieve for what might have been, and move forward.

Thank you for your sincere comments.

I am in therapy and the therapist is said to understand domestic violence.
In my opinion, the therapist may be very skilled yet this website has been so valuable in that the individuals here have actually been where I have been and their insights are personal. It is one thing to think one understands as an outsider; it is very different when you view a situation as one who has gone throught the same experiences.

Yes, the board is no substitute for therapy,but reading about other people's experiences can teach us a lot and inspire us. There is a poster on here called Gato whose journey has been really inspirational. It can be a comfort to know that there are others who have been there and understand where you are coming from.

How is therapy helping you?

I feel I made the right decison in terms of my own personal safety and piece of mind to leave my
ex. Now something has surfaced in therapy which has put things in a diiferent perspective. My therapist has said she feels that my ex has something called borderline personality disorder. I have been reading a book entitled I Hate You, Don't Leave Me. This book is expalining to me waht this disorder is, but I am feeling terribly guitly that I left someone who may possibly have a mental disorder which accounts for their unique/strange/unacceptable behavior. According to the book,
during an argument I was doing all the wrong things and sending the incorrect messages to him.But how was I to know that when he said these awful things it was simply due to his fear of being abandoned? If this book is correct, when he said he was going to leave during our last argument this was simply his fear of my leaving him. Finally, I did leave because of his actions which made me feel that is what he wanted to occurr.