Should I leave my abusive wife?

As I am writing this, I am feeling both angry and scared. Dammed if you and dammed if you don’t.

Well let me start of with the a little background. I am a 41 year old male, have been married to my wife for 6 years now. We have two daughters, ages 5 and 1.5. This is my second marriage, and a such I was very vulnerable to start off with. I was feeling so lonely that I was willing to accept any love. We got married after a very short courtship (8 months of which we were engaged for 3 of those months). During the courtship, she made life very difficult for me. I had to destroy everything that related to my previous marriage. She consistently inspected my phone, emails. She accused me still talking to my ex (which was not the case at all, as I so wanted to make it work that I would do anything to please her). All the signs were there, but I chose to ignore them. For example, I was not allowed to come to her town for the first 3 months as if she was hiding something. She would break promises, not pitch for dates, and leave her phone off for days (but there was always an excuse). But I was persistent (love can fix anything, so I believed).

To top things off, she fell pregnant a month before or wedding date (no turning back now). The first 8 months went very well .... she was pregnant and I took care of all her wishes like a good husband should. Then our firstborn arrived. And then it all started, from threatening to kill her, consistently putting me down in front of our friends in social situations, inspecting my phone and computer even more. I had to go and sleep every evening at 8 with her. I was not allowed to watch TV in without her. I bought her everything she wanted (If I only get this or that .... I will be happy, and I believed her). Then she tried to alienate me from friends and family, whilst the only people we socialised with was her family and friends. All mine had some problem. At the height of this phase, she outright told me that she has no respect for me, swearing at me and even physically trying to challenge me when she had too much to drink. She gave the one ultimatum after the other ... I had to choose between her and my work, friends family. I got so far as that I was not allowed to show too much affection to our daughter because she is supposed to be number one in my life, not my child.

So after three years, she had an affair. During this period, the abuse was intolerable. On occasion she would walked into my office ( a business of which I am the CEO of) and demanded that she wants to inspect my computer now, whilst shouting at the top of her voice. I allowed it. She find anything she could to try and make me feel guilty. And so it went on.

Then, to my surprise (she was supposed to be on birth control pills), she announced that we are expecting another child. I was stunned but happy at the same time.

Two months later,it reached a breaking point. She aqcuised me of having an affair with my gym instructoress. In the process, she turned my whole family against me, with only my brother believing me. That day I told her that she had gone to far (even telling my three year old daughter that I am kissing other women which promptly asked me why I did that). She even went as far as going to the gym, and confronting the girl in public. I was forced to stop going the that gym, and cancelling my instructor classes purely out of embarrassment.

From that incident, I lost all my love and respect for her. I thought that if I could just stay there, it would in time get better. But the resentment only grew more and more! In the process I started changing in order to cope with her. I started to become a cold person, so that she could not affect me so much and be less prone to manipulation. I have been for counselling on my own for months now, all advising me to pack my bags and go. They mentioned words like sociopaths and multiple personality disorder, of which none gave me any comfort. I love my children, but I cannot take the manipulation any further. Just last week she threatened to call the police in order to stop my from taking my oldest on a camping trip as I am a unfit and irresponsible father. And then the next morning she will pack our suitcases and gear. I don’t know what to make of it anymore.

It feels like I am the one that is going to break the marriage, but I have to save myself whist there is still something left of me. Otherwise my children will never come to learn me for who I really am.

Logically speaking, I know I have to end this. But emotionally, it will break my heart to tell the kids that daddy and mummy is no longer going to be living together. What to do?

This situation sounds intolerable and obviously can't continue in this way. This particular statement was very disturbing

Then our firstborn arrived. And then it all started, from threatening to kill her, consistently putting me down in front of our friends in social situations, inspecting my phone and computer even more.

If she is saying things like this, then it sounds as if she is very dangerous and that your children may be at risk. It's essential that you do all in your power to keep them safe and remove yourselves from the situation. This may not be easy and you will need proof that she is abusive. Is there a way that you could actually video her or record her? This would provide you with the evidence that you need, which you could then show to someone in authority. The abuse will have an effect on the children and they shouldn't have to go through this.

The longer you remain in this situation, the more drained you will feel. Sadly there are very few organisations for men in your situation. It is as if society turns a blind eye and does not believe that women are just as capable of abuse as men. It may help if you could search on the internet for men's organisations who could help. They do exist and you may be lucky enough to find one in your area, but they are few and far between unfortunately.

Please take legal advice as soon as possible. Because she is so controlling you will have to do this discretely. The less knowledge she has, the more empowered you will be. I wish you well.

Thanks Masquerade for your concern!

To be honest, I dont even no exactly what counts as abuse and what not at this stage. She has not threatened to kill the children again since that day (so I wrote that off as post natal depression). When I am around, I ensist that their is calmness in the house .... and when she does shout at the children, I will address it right there and then. Its when I am not around, where things get could get out of hand. I am sure she would not physically harm them, but emotionally.... she will and has. For example, my oldest think that if you lie .... you just call it "a joke" and then it is fine.

To prove that she is a unfit mother will be very difficult. And to make matters worse, people dont really believe that woman can be abusive. The would just think I am weak. And how would I explain that to my children (they do love her .... too young to understand)?

Masquerade
This may not be easy and you will need proof that she is abusive. Is there a way that you could actually video her or record her? This would provide you with the evidence that you need, which you could then show to someone in authority.

I agree with Masquerade if you can video her, it would be such a good idea. You can buy tiny video recorders now that you can disguise in a bunch of flowers or something.
Proof is what's needed. If she does shout/get abusive to the children, could you discreetly catch it on your mobile?
How I wish I'd videoed my abusive ex (he was 'nice' in company)no one would believe me how vile he was behind closed doors.
Video cameras were not widely available years ago and the ones that were, were big.