Anyone had a Healed Abusive Relationship?

I am curious if anyone has been in an abusive relationship with their significant other and overcome it and healed together? My husband and I have the typical domestic abuse relationship, which has always been emotional, though it has been physical a handful of times when substances were abused.

We have been very open and honest with one another and stopped using substances together last year in recognition that we couldn't safely do so and remain together. Due to some really unusual circumstances beyond our control, we physically separated earlier this month (we're over 1,000 miles apart) but we talk daily.

We are both really messed up due to poor coping skills, prior abuse, and who knows what else. He has also had some significant trauma to his head when he was younger, which I have read is very statistically common in abusers.

We both want our relationship to work, we both realize it can't unless we heal ourselves and then our relationship but it seems hopeless - there aren't a lot of resources that approach abuse issues from this standpoint that we have been able to find.

Thoughts? Suggestions?

The lack of response makes me think the answer is no

It makes me so mad sometimes, I think society, at least in the US makes the problem worse by placing all of the blame on the "abuser" to the point of making them hate themselves more than they already do, feel misunderstood and inable to be helped. But maybe it's really hard to change that frame of mind. I don't know. I think with the right resources (professional, spiritual, whatever it is an individual needs as an individual) ... I think anyone can change. But, somewhere I saw a quote about if you think how hard it is to change yourself if you want to change someone else you should know its impossible. And I don't want to change someone else (well I do but I know that doesn't work ). I'm just praying my partner is successful in his journey because I know he is in so much inner turmoil and regardless of the outcome of 'us' I love him and want him to have a good and happy life.

I know there are cases where abusive relationships have changed and become healthy ones. Mine did not and I had to run. But with my ex-husband he didn't want to change, he said he would, but he didn't want to and would not take the necessary steps to do so. He had no substance abuse problems, he was just fundamentally abusive, had one professional tell me that she believed that he was probably a psychopath, he enjoyed inflicting as much pain as he could on me, he didn't regret any of it, to him it was all a game. He couldn't see anything wrong with the way he was, and he placed all the blame on me saying that he was the way he was towards me because I wasn't obedient enough etc... It was only when I'd leave him or tell him that I was going to leave that he would promise he would change but he would refuse to see a psychologist or psychiatrist or even a marriage counselor. It was all a farce with him. My marriage to him was arranged (I was tricked into it), so I didn't really know any other side of him (the minor physical abuse didn't start until a few weeks into the marriage however the control was from day 1), and although I thought I loved him, I think it was more of a dependence/survival thing.

I had another relationship with another guy who I really loved, he was so good to me at times, treated me like a princess and I believe he genuinely loved me too. I think he could've changed (he actually wanted to and could see that he had problems) if it wasn't for the fact that his past and his drug problems were so great that he didn't know how to live any other way, and I could see that if he'd put the effort in that things would've gone a different route. Substance abuse was involved with him and that was the only time he was violent and verbally abusive, only when he was coming down off stuff or drinking heavily. But he refused to seek help for his drug problems or for his trauma problems (he'd been severely abused as a child), and the straw for me with him was when he pulled a gun out one night and threatened to kill me and my kids and a friend of mine and terrorized us for hours on one particular night. I loved that guy, could see myself spending the rest of my life with him, could understand his pain and struggles but I couldn't put my kids or myself through that again.

I think it takes alot of therapy and time apart to heal and change, both for the one being abused and the abuser. We who are abused also need help so that we can recognize abuse for what it is and refuse to accept it any more and willing to walk out when it continues, but at the end of the day, someone who is abused isn't to blame and not their fault that their partner abuses them.

Many abusers don't want to change, in fact most won't and aren't willing to change due to it being "too hard". Some are lost cases where they don't see anything wrong with the way they are and there is no point in trying with someone like that. And then you have others who do want to change, who do put in the effort and who manage to save their relationship or even they don't salvage it, manage to go on to having positive healthy relationships and don't stalk their ex partners.

Sounds like you guys are going in the right direction and it's probably a good thing you guys are spending some time apart as it will give him a chance to work on getting better away from you. Just keep an eye out for the red-flags and pull him up on it when you notice things start to go back to the way they were. I wish you the best of luck!

I am just out out of a relationship with an emotionally abusive guy.From early on i recognised that he had a problem with his anger and repeatedly addressed it with him.In the end after he dumped me when things came to a head we got back together and from what i remember he stopped for a few months but things eventually turned bad again ,worse possibly.He rang me one night after a couple of nightmarish weeks and started crying and took full responsibilty and out of pity i took him back but he was back to his crappy behaviour a couple of weeks after again so i walked away.Despite that though and because i have OCD and am prone to overthinking i have attempted to get back with him 2 or 3 times.But it's always the same story.
I went through the relationship having faith that he could change and indeed it seemed that he did for a few months but the behaviour go so bad that i lost all faith in him and my love him possibly went.He didn't change in the end.And the net effect is that i have to deal with the full effect of his emotional abuse and am prone to crazy bouts of OCD related overthinking.I'm going to see an abuse counsellor next week.So in my experience unfortunately he didn't change.My deep love and support for him wasn't enough for him to heal himself.That a person has to do themselves.Very sad but such is life.

It's been a while since your post, but there were so many similarities with your situation, and mine. My fiancee had traumatic brain injury in the military, and the substance abuse was deciding factor in any physical altercations. We have been successful in treatment. The doctor's took him off medications that he had been on for years, so when he drinks, there is no violent behavior. It was the combination of psychotropic drugs and alcohol. That being said, we still argue, and are verbally abusive to one another only when we have been drinking or are hung over. It is nothing like what it used to be. Our counseling was court ordered after an incident at home, and despite the financial hardships this has caused, it was the best thing to happen to us. He goes to an anger management course, and an alcohol abuse course weekly. I wish I could also go to these classes as he is not the only one with a handicap in handling emotions, and boundaries, but through him changing, both I and the dynamic in our relationship has changed. We still argue, but we stay more calm, and think before we speak. We do not take things so personally by building self esteem. It is not perfect, and it is not easy, but the good times are now far outweighing the bad. I realize that there is no perfect relationship, it is ok to argue, but we just weren't taught proper coping skills growing up. Anyway, if he gets in a class there is hope. I do think there has to be therapy though. I don't think we could have done this on our own. And I still worry that maybe when the classes are over, he will backslide, but it is kind of like the pattern has been broken..Good luck to you. I would not still be in this relationship if it had continued as it was before he was arrested and forced to take these courses.

Thank you for writing, bleeks. That's a helpful perspective. I hope things continue to improve for both of you.

my counselor said he knows of some but the aggressor has to want to change. I am the aggressor in my merriage and i have sworn to myself to change. as for our merriage i will let you know. my problem is she has been dealing with it for 10 years and doesn't know how she feels yet.