My mother is narcissistc

Hello. I have just found out, three days ago, my mother was a narcissistic pervert (I am not sure that is the right name in English - I'm not a native speaker). I have a very hard time adjusting.
She always showed herself as full of love and empathy, and brainwashed me into thinking that my well-being was extremely important for her, as she loved me more than anything. She said she basically lived for me and my sister, and that we were the most important people on earth for her.
And yet, when I was a child and I told her I had been sexually abused by a family member, she didn't react. As I was telling her about the abuse, she showed no emotion whatsoever and never brought it up again (I did a few times very briefly). And later she did nothing, allegedly for fear of scandal. When we went to see that guy, she was next to me while I had to kiss him hello (I'm in France) and chat with him. She never even seemed to even pay attention. I did not understand.
She always said she wanted the best for me.As a child, I was always top of my class, a lively kid. Then we moved, and I ended up in a very bad school. My grades got lower and I hated it there. I became silent and depressed. My mother made one very vague and mild attempt to have me change schools, but nothing more. Then, whenever I wanted to do something ambitious, she would sound annoyed, frown and would actually encourage me to set lower goals for myself.
When she was living abroad, she'd spend months without calling me - I was always the one calling and it always felt like she quickly got was bored after very soon. And yet, as soon as she was back here, whenever I went out she would want to know who I was with, where I was, and she would intrude greatly in my privacy. But if I wanted to tell her about something, like share some anecdote or ask for advice, she would look bored and show it. It's hard to understand. I have been talking to a therapist for two years, and that is how I understood that my mother was a fraud. She does not love me. My well-being doesn't matter to her. Maybe it even threatens her. All she wants is to control me. And now I am scared.
Has any of you ever been through this?

by jennifer_won_the_war
My well-being doesn't matter to her. Maybe it even threatens her. All she wants is to control me. And now I am scared.
Has any of you ever been through this?

Yes, yes, yes.
My mother is a fraud too.
To realise mother does NOT want the best for you is scary, and causes big issues with trust. How is it possible to trust when you know the most important person in your life would betray you with out conscience?
I'm so sorry she failed to support you when you where abused This is not unusual for a NPD parent appearances are important to them, she would not have wanted the scandal so you were the sacrificial lamb.
Must keep up appearances, must keep the admiring audience.

My NPD mother wanted me to fail, she made sure I failed, she denied me a good education, made me a shy, silent, withdrawn child.

She was jealous very jealous.

I don't know if you are in therapy, it would be a good idea It takes a long time & lots of effort to heal from the damage caused by a NPD parent.

I must have been a shock to find this out. Can I ask how did you find out ?

Thank you for your reply. I too see now how jealous my mother is. She would do everything, in an insidious way, to isolate me from my friends, my sister, my father, my family. She always made it appear like she was protecting me, and she was so good at it!

I have felt guilty all my life. I had never really thought about the sexual abuse, I blocked it out. Recently, for some reason, I decided to think about it. I do have a therapist, have been seeing him for two years. He told me my mother was manipulative. So I read things about manipulation and dysfunctional families, and stumbled upon the definition of the NPD. The strange thing is that I did not make any connection with my mother's attitude right away. Then I realized, a few days ago, that my mother was NPD. It was truly shocking. My mother, who loved me more than anyone and anything... didn't love me AT ALL. How crazy.

I only found out about a year ago.

I'd never understood why mother hated me (she ignored my eldest sister too), but adored my middle sister who can do no wrong.

What had I done to displease her so much? I tried, I tried so hard to please. It was all my fault I was not good enough, If I could only please her she would like me, right?

But no matter how hard, how desperately I tried, she still despised me.

When I read about NPD it all became clear my mother could not love, she was totally self absorbed. Mother was a narcissist, she did not love me and never had. Father was NPD too.
I was emotionally an orphan. A lost soul, a lonely, sad, silent, withdrawn little thing.

You've only know for a few days you must still be in shock.
I've read some of your other posts and see you have a partner and children that are precious to you. I glad you have good things in your life you deserve them.
(((((hugs to you))))))

Both your parents, NPD? My God. How did you manage to deal with that? How did you find out ? How are you doing now?

My mother never expressed any despise for me. I wonder what is worse, expressing despise or expressing extreme praise, always in a vague way, with no attitude, emotion, or actions to back that praise. Maybe expressing despise is more damaging because on a day to day basis you clearly know your mother thinks you are worthless. That must be awful.

That mother I've had always told me I was the best, at everything (just like that. She didn't elaborate any further) and that whatever I would do, I could always be extremely successful, provided I wanted to be so. You see the trick? I obviously wasn't successful, as I had very low self-esteem and always felt like I wasn't allowed to even exist. But by saying that I could be successful provided I wanted to be, she put the blame on me. So I always felt guilty for not wanting to succeed and make my parents proud. You know what, I had never thought of that... Just thought of it right now. I keep finding out new stuff.

It wasn't my posts you read. I don't have children yet, and I am in a pretty chaotic relationship... I need to fix all the damage done before I can think of having a family of my own.

jennifer_won_the_war wrote:I too see now how jealous my mother is. She would do everything, in an insidious way, to isolate me from my friends, my sister, my father, my family. She always made it appear like she was protecting me, and she was so good at it!

I have felt guilty all my life. I had never really thought about the sexual abuse,

Just can't agree with you at all, you're being too negative of your mother, just blaming your mother for no reason. give me one reason what makes her fraud why would she be jealous of you. You felt guilty all your life for what, an unknown therapist tells you she is manipulative you believe, your Mom tells she loves you, you don't believe. My Mom act similarly I don't feel jealous. Are you sure she is jealous and not overprotective. She really was and is protecting. You should treat your own mind.You're being a complainer. You could blame your Mom a little for being unable to rightly express her feelings but I don't think it makes her bad or jealous mother.

jennifer_won_the_war wrote:That mother I've had always told me I was the best, at everything (just like that. She didn't elaborate any further) and tha whatever I would do, I could always be extremely successful, provided I wanted to be so. You see the trick?

Incredibly negative person you are, you get the meaning you want to get.

There is no trick. A positive person and even brainless would understand that it means you have to keep trying and not accept defeat. Success would eventually kiss your feet.

"Best at everything" she probably meant best child as for all parents their own kids are best and most precious in the world. Still talk like a kid.

con55435
Please do not invalidate someone else's trauma, this forum is about providing support and a safe place to talk, for yourself and others.

Both your parents, NPD? My God. How did you manage to deal with that? How did you find out ? How are you doing now?

One day I was feeling low, so I kept put things into google like 'bad mothers' I wasn't getting anywhere. I was just about to give up when a site about narcissism popped up.
My mother fitting the description
For the first time my mother's behaviour had a name, she was/is a narcissist. A malignant ignoring narcissist.
My father was an enabler, he rarely if ever challenged mother.
Later I realised my father was NPD too.
I was apparently his 'favourite' he confided in me, which at the time I thought was 'love' but it was not.
I listened to him, his marriage problems blah, blah, blah. He never listened to me, took an interest in my school work, played with me or wanted to know what I wanted to do with my life. Emotional incest.
'Daddies little favourite' is not a nice place.
I married to get away from home, with hindsight (a wonderful thing) in fact all I did was to go from a rock to a hard place. My now ex 'husband' was NPD (histrionic)

Greatexpectations, I am not sure what to think about my boyfriend either.

con55435, I think I understand your reaction and I guess you are trying to provide sensible advice. Maybe you are a parent yourself, and I am sure it is very difficult to raise children. Everyone makes mistakes.

You asked me what makes me think my mother was a fraud. I'll give you a few examples.

She isolated me : ever since I was a child, like 6 or 7 years old, just like Greatexpectations father, my mother constantly told me bad things about my father and younger sister behind their back. It was always "our secret". I know now that she did exactly the same thing with my sister. When she found out, recently, that we started communicating, she was not happy about it at all. Also, she actively encouraged me to abandon my friends, and would never let me talk with family members. The first time I had a therapist, she encouraged me to stop seeing him, for no reason.

Manipulation : my mother lies ALL THE TIME. But since we didn't use to communicate, we didn't know.
She lies about everything.
There is not one time I can think of, where she did something clearly out of love. When I tried to talk to her about myself or what I was doing, she was always incredibly cold.

I have so many examples. I always tried to find her excuses, and now I realize she was being incoherent and aside from a few vague words, I never had any love from her. But I craved it, and did everything to fit her expectations and make her happy. But she never was. I spent my life feeling guilty all the time. Now I know she doesn't love me. And even though it is really painful, I feel like a burden has been taken off my back.

My therapist isn't an "unknown therapist". I've been talking to him for over two years, and he has helped me tremendously. Thanks to him, I am beginning to feel like I have a right to exist and be happy, and I've been able to communicate with my sister, father, family and friends and slowly get out of my mother's grip. For the first time, I am able to smile.

Now, that is my story. NPDs are known to be very hard to spot, and their perfect cover makes them appear as great people. That's what makes it so terrible, and in some cases, it can lead their isolated, misunderstood victim to get extremely depressed or even commit suicide. If the victim is helped, they can start feeling sane and alive again.

If you still want to think that I am a cry-baby and that my mother, whom you do not know, is normal and just does what she can, that is okay. Maybe this exchange we are having can help others who are living under the influence of an NPD realize they are not alone. It is very difficult to actually believe that a mother can not love their own child and not instinctively want the best for them. I still am shocked by that but I have to accept it. Things could be worse. Please try to think about it, and I really hope you don't have any NPDs anywhere in your life.