verbal abusive mother

Hun, you sound very resourceful, and I wish you well. It sounds as if you have a great deal of inner strength to draw from, and the ability to turn around what has been negative into something that will be positive. Healing and strength can come from utilizing your experiences, being aware of your emotions, loving yourself, and finding a way to move forward.

Your future is a blank canvas to paint any colour you choose. You have the power within yourself to be everything that you want to be. I admire you.

I am sorry I missed it in my earlier post. You wrote that -

she's always like that when she gets angry at me. calling me stupid, idiot, lazy, etc. even when i was a kid. she never apologized in any of that.

So how long has this been going on? Years clearly. Which as Masq writes proves how mentally strong you are not to submit or surrender.

I'm also curious why has your father not come to your defense. His lack of action suggests he has neglected you as well.

Some people believe they have never done the wrong thing therefore do not recognise the need to apologise.

Anyhow can you move in with your partner? At least until you win your dream job. It sounds like any move (bar the streets) would be an improvement. And the quicker the move comes the better it will be for you........ But I think your mother will scream blue murder and do everything she can to stop you moving.

I'll be interested to hear whether your childhood abuse experiences spots (through instinctive empathy) emotionally and mentally abused students while you are doing your dream job. You are clearly going to get it.

pm me if I can help anytime

whybother wrote:I'm also curious why has your father not come to your defense. His lack of action suggests he has neglected you as well.

Thanks "whybother"

my father always defend my mum, always telling me that i'm wrong and she's right. Although, i like him more than my mum because he never abused me in anyway, he is also full of lies that resulted me not to trust him anymore. even when i was a child, he will tell me things that we will do together but forgets about them after a week. nothing, as far as i remember, of anything he told me came true. due to his work, he needs to live in another town and we will just visit him or he'll visit us for 15 mins. i don't care if he's there or not, i'm used to it.

whybother wrote:Anyhow can you move in with your partner?

I don't have a partner

whybother wrote:So how long has this been going on? Years clearly. Which as Masq writes proves how mentally strong you are not to submit or surrender.

Since the day i was born. I used to think that what she's doing is right but as i was growing up, i realised that something is clearly wrong. I was raised surrounded by people always reminding me that "your mother is perfect, she only wants what's best for you. she never goes wrong in anything".

i remember when i was in elementary, my mum lost her keys and she blamed me right away. i told my teacher what my mum did and she said "no parents want to be blamed."

whybother wrote:But I think your mother will scream blue murder and do everything she can to stop you moving.

Yes of course. I think she will also do everything to find me because she has the money to do it and my relatives too. So, it's me against all of them

masquerade wrote:Your future is a blank canvas to paint any colour you choose. You have the power within yourself to be everything that you want to be. I admire you.

thanks masquerade

When all the dust is settled, at some point in the future, please don't dismiss the idea of therapy. Yes, it is your mother who has the issues, not you, but having therapy would help you to process all the emotions and feelings that your relationship with your mother has created.

I had a very emotionally abusive father, and talking about my feelings with a therapist helped me to process them, make sense of them, and gain insight into myself. Therapy was a cathartic experience, sometimes very painful, sometimes poignantly beautiful, and it enabled me to have a relationship with MYSELF, learn to love myself unconditionally, gain inner resources of strength, learn to depend upon myself, and to move forward. My therapy has ended, but the healing process continues every day, with me learning new insights into myself, growing stronger every day, and being able to utilise my experiences and hurts into something that is positive and constructive.

All the best to you hun.

Jenicho,

Forgive me for a minute as I digress slightly.

Masquade for the moment please consider that Jenicho is using these posts as her therapist. With her evident mental strength, posting here might be all the therapist she needs.

Sorry if that offends either of you.

Anyhow Jenicho since you don't (currently) have a partner have you considered rooming with a fellow graduate until you find a place of your own. Such a situation won't be perfect, but if it is better than your present accommodation then it is a step in the right direction.

Where are you working, while waiting for your license? Or are you financially hobbled to the whims of your parents until you get the license?

You write ( I wish I could do those cut and paste) that your father did not not abuse you. From where I sit your father neglected you. And I consider neglect abuse - both emotional and physical abuse. Perhaps I am wrong, but that's another digression.

Have you considered teaching in a country town? The rent is almost certainly going to be less away from the cities. And you'll probably find support there from the community.

As for your mother finding you. I had to get a Domestic Violence (no contact) Order against my mother. It took me decades to realise that I could get one against my mother. My lawyer warned that if I needed to go through the courts the process would not be pretty, but mother stopped communicating (at least for the moment - it is less than a year old) after speaking to my lawyer. I think my mother fears the publicity.

I got the D.V.O. after having turned my back on the rest of my family years prior. But this was no great loss really. They had not supported me (given me a soft place to fall) when I was receiving abuse, so I can do without them.

If you have younger siblings, please consider giving child protective services a call to tell them what your mother is doing to your siblings. Doing so won't exactly protect them from the past, but if it curtails future abuse upon the siblings I would consider it time well invested.

Few people like admitting their mistakes, and most people consider motherhood the world's most important job. Alas because motherhood is so important admitting to the notion that ANY mother could do wrong would shatter most people's world.

Again from where I sit motherhood is not the world's most important job. THE most important job is done by those few who endeavour to correct the effects of errant parents. But then I have a warped view of the world!

sorry about the length

That's a really good post Whybother, and full of sound advice.

You said "Masquade for the moment please consider that Jenicho is using these posts as her therapist. With her evident mental strength, posting here might be all the therapist she needs." unquote.

Yes, the forum can be very therapeutic, and provide an opportunity to be heard, to gain input from other people, and to also give other people support. Its aims are to help and to be therapeutic. The mods on here are always available to listen too. However, sometimes a person will need the kind of help that only therapy can provide, in addition to the help provided here. Very often, after abuse of any kind has occurred, a person may be left with emotional feelings, even emotional scars, that will be very difficult to process. The events of their past may continue to impede upon the present and affect subsequent relationships, often causing them to fail. A person may become stuck in the patterns of the past, and for these reasons, expert help from a therapist may be what is needed in order to be able to move forward. Not all people want therapy, and not everyone will respond to it, but for many people therapy can provide an invaluable resource to recover and heal.

Ummm... about the therapy, i'm pretty sure that there is no free therapy. I need to pay for a therapist which i can't really afford right now. But thanks for the suggestion. I will try therapy when i can afford it already.

whybother wrote:Anyhow Jenicho since you don't (currently) have a partner have you considered rooming with a fellow graduate until you find a place of your own. Such a situation won't be perfect, but if it is better than your present accommodation then it is a step in the right direction.

Most of my friends are having financial troubles and need to be with their parents to help. I have 2 close friends --- Levi and Diane. Levi's father died so she needs to be with her mum and help with money. They live in a small room. Diane can't pay school fees because her aunt stopped sending money from overseas so she stopped schooling and it's hard for her to look for a job.
So, i am on my own here.

whybother wrote:Where are you working, while waiting for your license? Or are you financially hobbled to the whims of your parents until you get the license?

I need to pass the license examination this coming march 11 that's why i'm focusing myself right now studying for it. After that, i will apply for a job while waiting for the result.

whybother wrote:Have you considered teaching in a country town? The rent is almost certainly going to be less away from the cities. And you'll probably find support there from the community.

Yes i do consider that as one of my option.

whybother wrote:If you have younger siblings, please consider giving child protective services a call to tell them what your mother is doing to your siblings. Doing so won't exactly protect them from the past, but if it curtails future abuse upon the siblings I would consider it time well invested.

I have a 1 year old adopted sister whom she curses, shouts at when she's angry. Considering that that child is some kind of hyperactive. She also screams at her early in the morning when she gets pissed off at her. I told her once that it's not good for the child but she just ignored me.

I can't help my sister right now because i need to help my self first to be able to help her. When i already freed myself from my mum and established myself, i will try to get her out from this hellhole.

whybother wrote:Again from where I sit motherhood is not the world's most important job. THE most important job is done by those few who endeavour to correct the effects of errant parents. But then I have a warped view of the world!

I agree

Any student who can save 300 is doing really well, especially when doing so is at the whim of abusive parents.. I actually don't think therapy is needed. You are doing brilliantly considering the problems you have overcome.

I think the organisation who protects children who protects children should be informed about your childhood. NOW. It is not up to you to get a child out of an abusive situation. Please let the department do the fighting. (and cheer the department on from the sidelines.) However you know the situation best and I need to trust your judgement.

Good luck on Saturday. I hope you are going to the end of course party!

Do your close friends know about your situation at home? I hope so.

As I understand the American education system (I'm on the other side of the Pacific) the school year ends in a few months. So I hope you are prepared to consider working in some "leave the brain at home" type job until some education institution is smart enuff to employ you.

Please let me know how things progress. Your exam and getting free of your family. To this end I have this thread marked to notify me when a reply is lodged. If I can help please ask.

I really should have thought before I posted my last reply.

If there is going to be a fight between the abused and her abuser, the daughter against her mother, I'll blindly back the youngster EVERY bloody time. And want a ringside seat at the fight. That is if I can not be the youngsters second.

I might raise more than an eye brow if the battleground is the one year old adopted daughter/ sibling.

And in a distinct change of tune, if it is a government department versus a family over a child emotional, physical or mental safety. I WILL support the government, and do everything I can to protect the child, or children, EVERY time, without the slightest concern. It would be my highest priority!

whybother wrote:Good luck on Saturday. I hope you are going to the end of course party!

Thank you.

whybother wrote:Do your close friends know about your situation at home? I hope so.

Levi, has a very good relationship with her mother. Levi's mother is such a nice lady, i met her once. Often, Levi will talk about very nice things about her mother. Diane never had her mother for a long time. Her mother died when she's elementary.
I once told Levi about my argument with mum, but she just kept on saying that i should just say sorry to mum and be in good terms with her.

It's hard for them to empathise with me because they have a very different situation than i am.

whybother wrote:Please let me know how things progress. Your exam and getting free of your family. To this end I have this thread marked to notify me when a reply is lodged. If I can help please ask.

I will keep you informed. Thanks