Emotionally abusive relationship with my ex

I know you posted one, masq, I will read it later.
I need to write about one finding I've got in the bath just now.

When my twin sis was kindergarden student, she was drinking tea, standing at the table in the kitchen.
My dad sneakily approached her behind her back and lifted up her skirt to see her underwear.

This is perverted.

When I was at my ex's apartment a few years ago, I was wearing a camisole. We were facing each other on the couch. He pulled out my camisole's edge towards him and peeked into my camisole to see my bras.

I felt this is perverted, too.

These two are similarities btwn my father and my ex-partner.
My ex's behaviours is less perverted, but still it is a deviation.

My ex is a good-looking and intelligent guy.
Even though he will not peek into, I think many girls are willing to date with him and be naked for him. I wonder why he had to be a pervert to see my bras...
I feel sorry for him... But he chose to be perverted.
It is choice. I felt like changing him. I wonder why I felt like I want to change him. It was his choice to be perverted. He made a decision on his own a long before he met me...Prob he stated that he will be a pervert in his mind. He must have had a strong will to commit himself into perverseness.
Why did I want to change him?
I sometimes felt like crying for him...
I had a strong compassion for him.
I think our relation was codependence. I was connected with him through my compassion.
But compassion is not love. It is like giving a coin to a beggar.
My issue is that I sacrifice me and my life for somebody.
I do not want to sacrifice, but I sacrifice. Why cannot I stop it?

-- Fri Apr 06, 2012 5:37 pm --

masq wrote:

It seems that he couldn't quite reach all of you or touch your inner core. It seems as if you didn't allow him to do that, and that tiny bit of strength within you grew from strength to strength. Maybe, as you say, he used to split between idealising and devaluing you. This is very common in abusers. You have no interest in manipulating others because you are a decent human being with feelings and empathy, that's the big difference. You have the capacity for change and growth. He doesn't.

My ex could not reach my inner core.
As you say, it might be 'cause I did not allow him to do so.
Or, he was incapable to see my inner core.
Some people can see other's inner core as aura.
I do not have such an ability, but since he was not able to see my aura, he did not notice who I am.
He was trapped (He is now in debt because of what he did to me, I am not ready to talk about this yet), 'cause he thought I was an easy target as other girls, but he was incapable to see my inner core or feel my aura.

I would like to gain an ability to see aura. I think it must be cool, hehe.

Hun, I just want you to know that I have read your post, and have heard you. I will reply in more detail tomorrow when I will have longer on the board. Thinking of you hun.

Hi Masq,

I read your previous post. Regarding eviction, I am checking some legal info online on my own.
Also, it is good to get a legal advice, as you say. I tried an university's legal clinic in the past, but they were not very professional...

I met one psychiatrist at a triage the last week, but I was not comfortable with her...
She wants to use meds to stabilize my mood, but I do not want to. I want to use food and herbs to stabilize my mood. I am off alcohol and drugs now, so I do not think I need meds.
I found a cross cultural mental health program at one community health center. I will call them on Tue. and see if I can get into their program.

This weekend, I sent an e-mail to my therapist to tell I wanna stop seeing her. Well... there are several reasons, but one is because I got overwhelmed 'cause she used several unfamiliar English words during the session. It is overwhelming for a second language speaker. The mental health team I am going to call on Tuesday has a translation service (it says so on the website), so hope to get into their team. I want to make a session easy for me. Doing a session in my second language, English is too difficult for me...

I want make things easy for me

Hun, I just want to say that the strength and resourcefulness you're showing at the moment is inspirational. I really admire the way that you are showing such determination, and I know that in time this strength that you have will pay you huge dividends and enable you to cope. Sometimes, though, it's okay to cry, and to feel sad, and even a little overwhelmed. These emotions are there for a reason, and they can often tell a person when they need to rest, to take stock for a little while, and to be kind to themselves.

I hope that you find the legal advice that you need, and that it will help you in this situation. The internet is full of resources.

You said

I met one psychiatrist at a triage the last week, but I was not comfortable with her...
She wants to use meds to stabilize my mood, but I do not want to. I want to use food and herbs to stabilize my mood. I am off alcohol and drugs now, so I do not think I need meds.
I found a cross cultural mental health program at one community health center. I will call them on Tue. and see if I can get into their program.

Going into the cross cultural mental health program sounds like a good idea if you can get on it. I would say to you though, that it may be a good idea to at least give the mood stabilisers a try, at least for now. I am on mood stabilisers and I can honestly say that they have given me a whole new lease of life. If your mood was stabilised, then you would honestly find it easier to cope and survive in the situation that you are in at the moment. If after taking them for a few weeks, you don't feel that they are effective, then you could review this with the psychiatrist. You say you want to make things easier for yourself, and mood stabilisers could greatly help to make the situation easier for the moment.

You said

This weekend, I sent an e-mail to my therapist to tell I wanna stop seeing her. Well... there are several reasons, but one is because I got overwhelmed 'cause she used several unfamiliar English words during the session. It is overwhelming for a second language speaker. The mental health team I am going to call on Tuesday has a translation service (it says so on the website), so hope to get into their team. I want to make a session easy for me. Doing a session in my second language, English is too difficult for me...

It's great that you have found a translation service! I can imagine that living in a country where English is not your native tongue can be difficult. If your therapist is using words or phrases that you're not familiar with, then you're not likely to really benefit from the session. Having a translation service could at least make things easier for you and allow you to get the best from the therapy.

You seem to be so much more sure of who you are and what you need, and that's good. It means that you're growing in assertiveness.

masquerade wrote:Hun, I just want to say that the strength and resourcefulness you're showing at the moment is inspirational. I really admire the way that you are showing such determination, and I know that in time this strength that you have will pay you huge dividends and enable you to cope.

Hi Masq,

I have written about how he emotionally abused me in this thread.
I think I have coped very well with his past emotional abuses.

The part dealing with his emotional abuses has been going well, as you approve and encourage.
Now I feel that I need to deal with more difficult part of his abuses...
He also physically abused me.
I feel embarrassed to disclose this fact; he hit me.
It makes me feel low when I talk about this fact to others...
I want to deny this fact. When this past fact comes up to my consciousness, I cannot admit it very easily.
I know in time I would even cope with his past physical abuses.
I am trying to be optimistic.
Temporarily, I am feeling low.
I feel as if I were inferior, given that he hit me.
I am not inferior, am I ?

Hun, you didn't deserve any of this. You didn't deserve to be hit by him and this in no way reflects upon you. It reflects upon him and his lack of conscience.

Please don't blame yourself for any of this. YOU DID NOT DESERVE TO BE HURT BY HIM.

Thinking of you, hun.