Emotionally abusive relationship with my ex

Hi Masq,


I read your writing about gaslighting again. I just took a glance at it at the beginning, but now I reread.

When I read it first, I did not believe in it. I could not believe such techniques exist. Is not it strange that people don't stick to their own business and try to manipulate others?? They should mind their own business.

It does not make sense to me that abusers wanna waste their time and energy just to manipulate other people. Again, they should stick to their own business.

I understand that my ex controlled me using gaslighting techniques. I want to write what particular techniques he used in this thread in the near future. I wonder where he learnt about those techniques... Do you know how abusers learn these techniques? I have never seen a book such as "How to manipulate your girl friend" or "Let's control your wife" sitting at a book store...
His father is an abuser, too. His father secretly might have initiated his son into gaslighting techniques.

Well... but fortunately...he did not complete manipulating me. I am away from him now.I wonder why he did not complete it. He was too optimistic to read the situation?? He did not follow through...
When I do a task, I will try to stick to my goal and try to complete it. I have no interest in manipulating others, though... Well... regarding the reason why he did not complete manupulation is, I can say, that he might have had splitting thoughts. Maybe one part of him liked me, but another part of him hated me and wanted to abuse me. That is why he did not complete his task of manipulating me. If he 100 per cent hated me, he should have completed his task... I have not written everything which happened between he and I in this thread, therefore, my saying like this might not understandable for readers.

Hope to write more about him later!

Hugs

You said

I understand that my ex controlled me using gaslighting techniques. I want to write what particular techniques he used in this thread in the near future. I wonder where he learnt about those techniques... Do you know how abusers learn these techniques? I have never seen a book such as "How to manipulate your girl friend" or "Let's control your wife" sitting at a book store...
His father is an abuser, too. His father secretly might have initiated his son into gaslighting techniques.

It seems that gaslighting comes naturally to abusive people. Who is to say whether their techniques are planned, deliberate or subconscious? It doesn't matter really. The end result is the same.

You said

Well... but fortunately...he did not complete manipulating me. I am away from him now.I wonder why he did not complete it. He was too optimistic to read the situation?? He did not follow through...
When I do a task, I will try to stick to my goal and try to complete it. I have no interest in manipulating others, though... Well... regarding the reason why he did not complete manupulation is, I can say, that he might have had splitting thoughts. Maybe one part of him liked me, but another part of him hated me and wanted to abuse me. That is why he did not complete his task of manipulating me. If he 100 per cent hated me, he should have completed his task... I have not written everything which happened between he and I in this thread, therefore, my saying like this might not understandable for readers.

It seems that he couldn't quite reach all of you or touch your inner core. It seems as if you didn't allow him to do that, and that tiny bit of strength within you grew from strength to strength. Maybe, as you say, he used to split between idealising and devaluing you. This is very common in abusers. You have no interest in manipulating others because you are a decent human being with feelings and empathy, that's the big difference. You have the capacity for change and growth. He doesn't.

Hi masq,

OK, the end result of gas lighting techniques are the same... I wondered where they come from, but yeah, it's the same in the end. They manipulate and control us.

It seems that he couldn't quite reach all of you or touch your inner core. It seems as if you didn't allow him to do that, and that tiny bit of strength within you grew from strength to strength. Maybe, as you say, he used to split between idealising and devaluing you. This is very common in abusers. You have no interest in manipulating others because you are a decent human being with feelings and empathy, that's the big difference. You have the capacity for change and growth. He doesn't.

hmmm, actually I was intensely moved by your above writing.
It is an unusual experience for me.


I have never told this story anybody, because I experienced something metaphysical with him one time. Metaphysical experience chooses a listener.

I had a sex with him during thanksgiving holidays on Oct. the 10th, 2009. Having sex with him was against my will, though. I was sleeping on bed, and he started having sex with me without asking if I wanted it, disgusting...
I was only half-conscious during sex. And when he inserted his penis in my vagina, I felt I am touching his core. I deeply felt sorry for him, 'cause I felt he has been living in the hell, and he will be going to live in the hell. I also noticed that I started loving him; but I also noticed that if I continue the relationship with him, he will bring me to the hell where he has been living.

This is a spiritual experience for me. I sensed his core.I will try to visualize his core by drawing in the future.
He has never said to me, "Hey Gato, I have been living in the hell".
but, I just sensed/felt he was in the hell.

I don't know my definition of core is the same as yours. To me, inner core is one's soul/ spirit, which constructs the person.


Maybe, as you say, he used to split between idealising and devaluing you. This is very common in abusers.

Especially the above sentence intensely moved me. When I reread my previous writing, I doubted if it is right. Did he really like me a half and hate me a half??? But thanks for rephrasing it in a clearer way.
He idealized me and he gave me too much expectations. He made or tried to make me do what I didn't want to or things that I realistically cannot do. He also devalued me. He criticized my fashion, my friends, my ways of thinking, how I feel, my behaviours, thousands and thousands things about me!!!

I felt I started loving him during that sex, I think I felt so, 'cause I saw his core, and I understood who he is. Poor Darcy (his name)...
Understanding is one component of love. That might be the reason why I I had an illusion that I started loving him during that sex.

Love consists of many ingredients: understanding, caring, protecting etc... Just 'cause I understood Darcy, it does not mean that I loved him...

masquerade wrote:There is a vast difference between guilt and remorse. Guilt cripples. It prevents a person from moving forward, trapping them in the past, engulfing them, making them angry, lonely and bitter, with big feelings of unworthiness. Remorse is different. A person accepts that they have done wrong, feels the pain of the wrong doing, attempts to rectify the situation, and if they can't learns about themselves, grows in understanding and wisdom, learns from the mistake, does their best to learn from it, owns it, takes full responsibility for it, and uses the lessons they have learnt to grow emotionally, and move forward. They allow themselves to heal, and know that in order to heal they have to love and accept themselves, faults and all.

To me, it sounds that 'remorse' comes from a good quality of your mind.
Abusers tried to lower my quality. I don't know why, but they gave me too much pain.
I tried to cope with abuses by drinking and abusing drugs.
I remorse I took such unhealthy substances in my body. I deeply regret.
Yes, I have done wrong; I feel the pain of my wrong doing. If I could go back to the past, I would try to rectify the situation.
I am now trying to take full responsibility for my mistakes (=my old coping skills). I am trying to develop new coping skills (writing, talking to somebody etc...). These are palliative care for my pains. Moreover, I am trying to find where my mistakes come from. Many of them come from my father's sexual and my mother's physical abuses...These are etiological care for my sickness.

I wonder if spring will ever come to me... I am still in dark, deep and narrow place. I want to get out...

Extracts from the resource Masq gave me
http://voices.yahoo.com/what-gaslightin ... html?cat=5

Eventually a Gaslighting abuser wins the ultimate war, the final argument, when she begins to collapse mentally and emotionally. The worst Gaslighting abusers will then mock her, humiliate her by sharing her "wrongdoings" (of searching for a solution) with their mutual friends, hoping to get a response of "I wouldn't listen to all that nagging, Man," from them. Perhaps it better eases his conscious to have others tell him it is all her, or that she's just a bitch, or just a nag. Hell, she's not worth the effort it takes him to keep on living with her!

**I never said that!
**You're making that up!
**I never told them anything!
**You've got to be crazy!

Major depressive disorder has been affecting my reading... I cannot understand everything which is written the above, but I remember he said, "You are depressed". He tried to define me even though he is not a certified physician.

hmm...

Yes, he is not a certified physician, how stupid his statement look? ha!

Hi hun. Sorry for not replying sooner to you. I had to have some treatment in hospital yesterday and felt a bit groggy.

In the post before last you mentioned that your parents had abused you. In addition to all the pain that you suffered because of your ex, you are also recovering from this, and the effects this may have had upon your self esteem etc. It's even possible that their abuse upon you may have set a precedent for meeting unsuitable and abusive partners. Hun, I can't emphasise enough the importance of seeking therapy from a qualified counsellor or therapist. A therapist can help you to figure out the pattterns of your life, and where they came from, and enable you to talk about your experiences in a way that would bring a sense of healing, and the ability to move forward. You have such a good insight into yourself so it is likely that you could work well with the right therapist for you.

You said in your other post that you sensed the hurt, pain and badness inside your ex. You are right when you say that understanding someone doesn't equate with love. True love involves sharing, caring, a sense of equality with no power struggles, a sense of reciprocity. You tried to love him, but he didn't allow it because of his deep issues. How sad and lonely is that, to always push away love? Ultimately he will end up lonely, bitter and unhappy whereas you have the capacity to give and receive love, to find healing, to have insight, and to move forward without being stuck in the old patterns of the past. A therapist can help you to truly unlock all these qualities that you have. The difference between you and your ex? You have the capacity for freedom. He doesn't. He is trapped.

Hi Masq,
Welcome home Just quickly wanted to say hi. I thought you must be in some situations you cannot reply. While you were away, I was reading some of your past writings and responded to them by writing here and thinking about them in my mind. You left me a lot of strong writings, so even when you're away, I still have you in your writings. Hope you don't feel groggy any more.

Hi gato1116 -

You've written a lot in this thread, and having read it, the first thing that came to mind is a book I read that I found to be extremely enlightening. The title is "In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People" by George K. Simon Jr.

It really helped me to better understand what the author calls "Covert Aggression". I strongly recommend it, though as masquerade wrote, nobody can answer if covert aggressors do what they do because it is conscious, subconscious, or the fuzzy middle where they are partially conscious. As masquerade wrote in the end it really doesn't matter. The effect on you is the same, and that's what matters.

Now just a personal thought from my own experience. Not so many years ago I was in a situation where I was feeling constant anxiety, and depression. I was also under the thumb of a covert aggressive (a borderline parent) who had a lifetime of practice pushing my buttons, using guilt, invalidating my feelings, and more... these are all covert aggressive techniques. My persistent anxiety and depression got so bad that I finally broke, and got some help. Both therapy and (temporarily) some anti-depressants. I'm so glad I finally did take that step. The anti-depressants helped to lift the dark cloud over my mind, and the therapy helped me to deal with the underlying feelings that were the true cause. Once I finally started dealing with the cause, I no longer needed the anti-depressants.

Something else I wanted to share with you. I spent years trying to puzzle out what was going on in the mind of the covert aggressive in my life, so I fully understand wanting to find answers to those questions, but... at some point I had to accept too that I'd never fully understand it, and more important, I didn't need to understand it. Years of what did I do wrong? Could I have done something different? Was I at fault for? Could I have helped her? Did she really love me? An endless cycle of feeling bad about myself for something I could not change. Another person.

The hard thing to accept is, the only person we can really heal/change is ourselves. It is up to others to make a choice to heal/change themselves. I do hope you can come to a point where you can focus on healing you, and let go of a burden that was never yours to carry. The only person we're responsible for, and the only person we can really heal, is us.

You know I'm reminded of what they tell you on airplanes if the plane loses pressure. Get your own gas mask on first, then others around you. We're of no use to others if we lose ourselves. I hope you can make a choice to start taking care of someone who really matters. You.

Best wishes,

X

masquerade wrote:
When you were in this relationship, you probably internalised a lot of his falsehoods and began to believe them about yourself. If he constantly found fault with you, it is likely that he saw you in very black and white terms, meaning that in his eyes you were either all good at times and all bad at others. He didn't see the truth, that you, like everybody, fall somewhere in between. He had an "either/or" opinion of you, and you possibly came to believe this too. Does this explain my meaning to you?

Its' taking time for me to learn and digest my ex's abusing technics.
I need to do it step by step.

I was all good to him only when I acted as he requested or liked.
e.g., he liked my cuteness, so he liked me when I acted cutely.
however, he did not like me when I had a conflict/disagreement with his friends.

Then, I started seeing myself in a very black and white terms...
I am either all good or bad...
Everytime he acted crazily (e.g., he denied my complaints against his friends even though his friend was a bad one), I felt he's a creepy guy, but I kept staying with him.
I need to think why I kept staying with him.
I think this is because when I was with my dad in childhood, that was the only resource/guardian/protection from the society I had with me; that is why when I was in a negative relationship with my ex, I was trapped. My past trauma with my dad trapped myself in a relationship with my ex. My past trauma with my dad is like a monster. It traps me in a negative relationship at the present moment. I am getting scared...

You said

My past trauma with my dad trapped myself in a relationship with my dad.

My past trauma with my dad is like a monster. It traps me in a negative relationship at the present moment. I am getting scared...[/quote]

Hun, from what you say about your dad on the other forums on here, it sounds as if you are still carrying a great deal of hurt from the abuse that you suffered at his hands, and this would definitely have an impact upon your choices of partners that you meet, and your relationshiips with them.

I can't emphasise enough the importance of therapy.