Emotionally abusive relationship with my ex

I had a look at your post hun, and see that you've had a lot of support there. I hope this helps. Also, please continue to post on here if you need to. You've come such a long way and reading your posts is a real inspiration to me and the people on here who are reading it.

masquerade wrote:When I said Verbal Abuse, I meant this forum hun, Verbal and Emotional Abuse. Sorry for the misunderstanding. Will take a look at your other post now.

Hi Masquerade,

Oh, after I post a thread in a forum, I usually don't check the forum name. You meant this forum. Don't be sorry; it's not your fault at all. I forgot that this was verbal/emotioanl abuse forum

I'm glad you check my other post. Being viewed give me a lot of courage.

Hun, you've had such a big response and people are hearing you. I hope that is helping you, if only a little.

The journey forward can sometimes seem to come to a halt, and sometimes people can seem to take a step back, but as long as they are heading forwards, they'll get to their destination in the end. To have people listen is like having people walk some of the way with you.

I'm glad that I have a big response and ppl are hearing me. I cannot calculate how much people helped me here. Some ppl gave me very helpful advise. Some ppl encouraged me very warmly. I know that I am responsible for my own healing, but without ppl's help here, I could not have reached at this present point. I feel less vulnerable than before.

How many emotional abusers put the pressure on a person to be perfect, to be an impossible ideal? They may dole out love, conditionally, the conditions being that a person must be perfect. They zoom in on the person's perceived faults or "failings", catastrophise them until the person who is being abused believes that he/she is unworthy, no good, somehow "bad". They then learn to think in very black and white terms, just like their abuser.

My ex-partner said I can live with his parents when I move to Canada, while he continues living with his girl roommate. I felt it was a strange situation. When your fiance comes to your country to be with you, why don't you want to leave your roommate, and live with me. Besides, I am not comfortable about living with his parents. He wanted me to be an ideal girl who put up with such a strange situation...
Do you mean that abusers like my ex noticed my failings (weakness), and tried to catastrophise my failings?
I had a bit of difficulty to understand why abused learn to think in very black/white after abusers catastrophise abused' failings. Well...I understood the point that abusers catastrophise abused' magnify abused' weakness and make them feel unworthy. However, I don't understand the part why this affects abused' thinking system. Why do abused start thinking in very black and white terms after they believe they are unworthy? Can you explain a bit further?

Hugs

You said

Do you mean that abusers like my ex noticed my failings (weakness), and tried to catastrophise my failings?
I had a bit of difficulty to understand why abused learn to think in very black/white after abusers catastrophise abused' failings. Well...I understood the point that abusers catastrophise abused' magnify abused' weakness and make them feel unworthy. However, I don't understand the part why this affects abused' thinking system. Why do abused start thinking in very black and white terms after they believe they are unworthy? Can you explain a bit further?

Many abusers like your ex notice your areas of sensitivity, the things that you are likely to feel hurt by, and they will use that. For instance, if you have low self esteem, they will say or do anything to make you feel less confident. They will often do this by saying things to make you feel bad about yourself. This doesn't mean that you have these faults or failings. They will just make you believe that you do. A common tactic used by abusers is "gaslighting". This is something you may want to search for on the internet. Here's one link.http://voices.yahoo.com/what-gaslightin ... html?cat=5
Here's a book about gaslighting:http://www.amazon.com/Gaslight-Effect-Survive-Manipulation-Control/dp/0767924452

Here's an excert from the book:
Are You Being Gaslighted?
Check for these telltale signs:
1. You constantly second-guess yourself.
2. You wonder, “Am I being too sensitive?” a dozen times a day.
3. You wonder frequently if you are a “good enough” girlfriend/wife/employee/friend/daughter.
4. You have trouble making simple decisions.
5. You think twice before bringing up innocent topics of conversation.
6. You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family.
7. Before your partner comes home from work, you run through a checklist in your head to anticipate anything you might have done wrong that day.
8. You buy clothes for yourself, furnishings for your apartment, or other personal purchases thinking about what your partner would like instead of what would make you feel great.
9. You actually start to enjoy the constant criticism, because you think, “What doesn’t kill me will make me stronger.”
10. You start speaking to your husband through his secretary so you don’t have to tell him things you’re afraid might upset him.
11. You start lying to avoid the put-downs and reality twists.
12. You feel as though you can’t do anything right.
13. You frequently wonder if you’re good enough for your lover.
14. Your kids start trying to protect you from being humiliated by your partner.
15. You feel hopeless and joyless." unqoute

Gaslighting is a technique employed by some abusive partners in which they will twist facts in order to make the victim doubt his or her perception, and his or her own reality. With these doubts in place, the abuser can quickly gain emotional and psychological control of the victim. Hun, it sounds as if your ex has been doing this to you, and now that you are recovering, you are becoming aware of it. This is a good sign because it shows that you are now beginning to believe and trust in your own reality and now have faith in yourself.

When you were in this relationship, you probably internalised a lot of his falsehoods and began to believe them about yourself. If he constantly found fault with you, it is likely that he saw you in very black and white terms, meaning that in his eyes you were either all good at times and all bad at others. He didn't see the truth, that you, like everybody, fall somewhere in between. He had an "either/or" opinion of you, and you possibly came to believe this too. Does this explain my meaning to you?

I hope you find the links about gaslighting useful. There is a lot of information about gaslighting and the effects of it on its victims on the internet.

Hi Masquerade,

I took a glance of (at??) your post. Depression is currently causing me a slowed reading.
I am having a hard time...
Just wanted write only a little...

When I took a look at your writing, I thought the list does not apply to my case. However, I carefully thought about it again while I was walking down the street this evening, and they I concluded, some of them are not the exactly same as my case, however, I experienced the very similar thing as the list.

For example,

>6. You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family.

I was isolated from my friends and my family while I was living with my ex-partner.
My ex-partner was the centre of my world. Therefore, I did not make excuses for my ex to friends and family, however, instead, I made excuses for him in my head.
Everytime he violated my boundary, I made excuses for him in my head.
like..."Oh, maybe he did not hear what I said"...

He wanted to invite his friends on one Friday night over our apartment, however, I asked him not to. I was too tired to see them. However, on contrary to what I said to him, he invited them...


How stupid was I?..........

Hun, I'm so sorry that you're feeling depressed. Sometimes, when depression seems to be overwhelming it can be a sign that you need to take good care of yourself. Have you seen your doctor about the depression? It might help. I'd just like you know that I'm thinking of you at this time, and that people on the forum are hearing you, and I hope that it makes you feel a little less alone.

Talking things through in this way can help, but to dwell on them too much can cause you to look backwards instead of looking forwards. I'm really impressed at how far you've come. Face to face therapy from a qualified practitioner can help you to make sense of all the overwhelming emotions and help you to find ways to process them.

You said

He wanted to invite his friends on one Friday night over our apartment, however, I asked him not to. I was too tired to see them. However, on contrary to what I said to him, he invited them...


How stupid was I?..........

Hun, there is no way that you were stupid! This guy ground you down to such an extent that he didn't take any of your feelings on board or listen to you. That doesn't make you stupid or in any way to blame. It makes him a @@@@@@ (insert a very STRONG swear word here!!)

This guy is a part of your past, and he can no longer define you, label you or be allowed to have the power to affect how you feel about yourself in the present.

Please, look after yourself, be very kind and gentle to yourself, and seek treatment for the depression. If you seek treatment for it, in time these feelings will pass and be replaced by a new sense of hope. Take hold of a little bit of that hope now. Hold it and nurture it, and it will continue to grow.

Hi Masq,

Your words sound very strong. It gives me power, and gives momentum. I feel I am like a small ball which can go to any direction. When I am depressed, my ex in my head moves me to negative direction. When I am not depressed, I will try go to the opposite...


My physician prescribed me anti-depressant. But I stopped taking it these few days. I am not comfortable about taking them. I feel guilty that I did not take 'em for a few days. Right now, I am coping by meditation and by phoning crisis line...

I called myself stupid, because regular people protect themselves from violation. When ppl violate their boundaries, they say something or take action. However, what I did was just to be silent and gave excuses for an abuser... I feel my ability to protect myself is inferior to regular women.

But it is not my fault. Many abused women in childhood are like me...I guess.

Do not worry too much. What I have been doing recently is that I am trying to have more access to the emotions I had stored for a long time. I am using a meditation to do so. I might be more depressed temporarily, but after I process these stored emotions containing pus, and let it out of my system, I will feel better. I am detoxifying my mind. I will have help from a therapist later, 'cause self-detox does not always work. I will also call crisis line and mobile mental health team, if I get over-depressed.

masquerade wrote:
You know what the biggest defence against a bully? It isn't necessarily being able to retort back to them, or to hit back, or even to get angry with them. The biggest defence is TO LOVE YOURSELF, BELIEVE IN YOURSELF, KNOW THAT YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS TYPE OF TREATMENT, TO BE ABLE TO HOLD YOU HEAD UP HIGH AND WALK AWAY FROM THE BULLY.

Today I had a meeting with a bully. She is a sort of community worker.
She does not accept my requests, but she is in a position to support a victim in her community. She and I belong to the same race community...

After I saw her, I lost concentration. I felt exhausted. My shoulders are tense. I feel dizzy.
Tonight I sent her an e-mail to cancel further appointment with her.
I WALKED AWAY FROM THE BULLY! yay.

But my issue is that I easily let in a bully in my circle.
I need to work out countermeasures...
Since I let in bullies in my life, there has been tremendous delay in my progress of healing so far.
I am too tired to write about the details of delay, but wish to write it in the future.

In life, everywhere we go, we'll always encounter bullies. They're everywhere. They're in every workplace, every group of people, every internet forum. It can be so easy for any one of us to be manipulated by them and it can happen so slowly and so insiduously we're hardly aware of it. Sometimes the only solution is to walk away. It isn't cowardly. It takes bravery to decide we don't want them in our life. By walking away we're refusing to play their game.

You did a very brave thing. You sent this person an e mail and you walked away from the situation. You recognised the bully and you recognised that it wasn't okay.