Emotionally abusive relationship with my ex

Self acceptance isn't all about being nice and good and perfect. How many emotional abusers put the pressure on a person to be perfect, to be an impossible ideal? They may dole out love, conditionally, the conditions being that a person must be perfect. They zoom in on the person's perceived faults or "failings", catastrophise them until the person who is being abused believes that he/she is unworthy, no good, somehow "bad". They then learn to think in very black and white terms, just like their abuser. They try to appease, and be perfect, or they may rebel, and show only their "negative" qualities and go on to abuse others. The victims, viewing life in this black and white way, will consistently search for the perfect relationship, for an impossible ideal. They may meet more abusers and be taken in by their charm, believing this is the perfect relationship, because their abuser charms them, compliments them, gives them praise and because their self esteem is so low they lap it up.

Part of the secret of healing is to let go of these perfect ideals, to accept that life is not perfect, that the perfect relationship doesn't exist, to accept imperfection within oneself. When a person lets go of the search for perfection, he/she is free to he his/herself, accepting hin/herself just as he/she is, knowing that others are not perfect and learning to take their place as an EQAUL with others in society. True self esteem involves feeling and knowing one is equal. When this is achieved, a person no longer has to strive, and will no longer feel the need to be a people pleaser, to try to be perfect to be accepted. There is no need. The person knows that she is okay just as she is. She/he is allowed to make mistakes, to forgive her/himself, and to move forward with understanding and wisdom. It's okay to make mistakes, to get it wrong sometimes.

There is a vast difference between guilt and remorse. Guilt cripples. It prevents a person from moving forward, trapping them in the past, engulfing them, making them angry, lonely and bitter, with big feelings of unworthiness. Remorse is different. A person accepts that they have done wrong, feels the pain of the wrong doing, attempts to rectify the situation, and if they can't learns about themselves, grows in understanding and wisdom, learns from the mistake, does their best to learn from it, owns it, takes full responsibility for ir, and uses the lessons they have learnt to grow emotionally, and move forward. They allow themselves to heal, and know that in order to heal they have to love and accept themselves, faults and all.

You are the type of person who feels remorse, and therefore you will grow and learn. Your ex did not feel remorse. He may not even have felt guilt. Who knows? Those who are incapable of feeling remorse have psychopathic tendencies and do not change. They remain trapped in cycles of negativity and fester. You're not like that.

You need to forgive yourself for what you called emotional abuse on your sister. Self forgiveness is difficult, but if you can remember that all people sometimes fail, that no one can be a perfect ideal, and that you know these actions are wrong, and you know that you should not minimise them, and that you have learnt from them, that you can own responsiblity and know that you wouldn't repeat this action, then you can safely say that you have experienced genuine remorse and it's now time to let go and forgive yourself. To cling onto this incident would only turn the emotion into crippling guilt and self hatred. Please forgive yourself.

Every day takes you one step further away from the past. You're doing great hun!

Yes, I sometimes get frustrated 'cause a lot of feelings come out of my mind, and I cannot but write for feelings to let them out. And writing takes so much time from my day.

>Every day that passes by creates a greater distance between the past and the present

I like this sentence. It sounds like psychodynamic method. The risk to talk about my past is that I might define myself as an abused and stuck in that position forever. However, if I consider myself as a survivor than abused, I can think where I can go from the past experiences. My past experiences exist as fact, and I cannot erase it with a big eraser. However, I can re-experience it from a survivor's perspective, and not from an abused. This might transform my past experiences.

I feel my ex wanted to capture me by taking away valuable stuff from me. He himself might have felt unsecured since he was little… I am not he, so I cannot speak for himself, though. I can talk about him only within relationship with him through my perspective.

Moreover, my ex tried to define me. He said to me "You are depressed," "You don't think like that" when I expressed my feelings and my opinions. Whenever he talked like that, I felt he's crazy. How can he speak for myself? He might not have been aware of what he's saying. He didn't know what's going on in my mind.

I really wish to reclaim my self-esteem, autonomy and my fundamental belief in myself. Amongst these three, I especially have problems in my fundamental belief in myself. The core of myself was destroyed by my parents. They didn't allow me to be who I am. When I did something I liked to do, they humiliated me...e.g., when I was greeting with one of my relatives very cheerfully in my teens, my parents later made fun of me, and humiliated me about being open to other people.

I am now in process of exploring who I am…, which will be a long journey.

>The people on the board have merely been sounding boards for you.
I don't understand this sentence. Will you say in a different way?

I read the Wizard of Oz long time ago when I was a kid. I might want to read it again. I toady forgot the last part. Thank you for reminding me that. If the characters in Oz have everything within themselves, everything might be ready in myself, too. I just need to explore it.

Usually before I start something like therapy, I feel I am not ready yet. I feel intimidated. I will try to look for an outside tool to help me, but courage to go to therapy, to communicate with a therapist and a decision to end therapy might come from within myself…
Maybe I am the only one who can nurture and grow my self-esteem. I can pour water to my self-esteem and care about it. Yes, there're certain things that I am not good at such as speaking in English. I want to learn 'bout myself more. I will accept where I am now and keep revolving!
Sometimes I ignore my inner voice, 'cause it's very subtle, but I want to hold it very tightly with the both of my hands. Today I was dialling to make a phone call, and my inter little cute voice told me, "You should check when you met him the last time, before you talk with him", but I ignored it, so the next time when she (the inter voice) comes out, I have to hold her and pay attention to her.

My grandmother was happy only when I followed her way. But she didn't accept me when I did things like spilling soup on the table or telling my opinions to her. She completely denied me...
That was very aching. I always felt I had to tip-toe around her.
Her love to me was bound to her own value, and was not bound to trying to understand me. That is why to fully accept myself is difficult for me. If nobody has ever accepted me in my life, how can I accept myself? I don't have a good template for full-acceptance...

I wil write more later...

masquerade,

Thank you, that really touched me. I have my faults and so does everyone else. We all have our faults, but I think I reached you because I BELIEVED IN YOU, and there are other people too, not perfect, with their own good points and failings, who will also believe in you. You need to continue to believe in yourself, in order to find them. If you can continue to build upon your relationship with yourself, you will attract people who will love and accept you for yourself.

Yes, we all have our faults, but some try to admit them, but some never... I will stay away from people who don't try. Thank you for trusting me and think I am reliable. I don't believe in myself fully yet... People took away my self-trust. e.g., When my ex-boss sexually harassed me, I spoke with the dept. of human resources. However, they didn't trust me. Also, when I sent my dad a letter writing about his sexual abuses, he read it and said to my mom, "Oh, this girl is so sick". You know, when I speak the truth, people don't trust me... Therefore, your trust means a lot to me.

I want to have confidence in me. There are some things that I don't want to remember in the past; I don't want to confront them; that's why I indulge myself in binging, depression and isolation.

>If you can continue to build upon your relationship with yourself, you will attract people who will love and accept you for yourself.

Does this mean, "if I continue to depend on my relationship with myself"??
I don't understand this well.

Hugs

Hi hun.

You said "Yes, we all have our faults, but some try to admit them, but some never... I will stay away from people who don't try. Thank you for trusting me and think I am reliable. I don't believe in myself fully yet... People took away my self-trust. e.g., When my ex-boss sexually harassed me, I spoke with the dept. of human resources. However, they didn't trust me. Also, when I sent my dad a letter writing about his sexual abuses, he read it and said to my mom, "Oh, this girl is so sick". You know, when I speak the truth, people don't trust me... Therefore, your trust means a lot to me. " unquote

Hun, your dad invalidated you, and other people have invalidated you. They have left you feeling that your emotions, thoughts, feelings and opinions are somehow not valid. They ARE valid. Maybe by me believing in you I have given you just a small amount of validation. Other people who read your words believe in you too. You have to tell yourself that when these other people dismissed your feelings it was they who were wrong and they had no right to do this. Your feelings matter, they are valid, they are real. Tell yourself this. Make yourself believe this.

You said "I want to have confidence in me. There are some things that I don't want to remember in the past; I don't want to confront them; that's why I indulge myself in binging, depression and isolation. " unquote

A therapist can help you to unlock the pain of the past. The fact that you have made a connection with the past and its effects on your behaviour today, binging, depression and isolation shows that you are becoming increasingly self aware. With the help of a therapist, you can unlock the pain of the past, and deal with it slowly and gently at a safe pace for you. The board can't provide the specialist therapy that can really help you, all we can do is listen, and this is not the same as therapy. Therapy can help you to learn to truly love yourself again. It worked for me, it really did, in ways you can never imagine.

You said ">If you can continue to build upon your relationship with yourself, you will attract people who will love and accept you for yourself." unquote

This means that if you continue to do what you are already doing, gaining an awareness into yourself, taking back your power, knowing that you were in no way to blame, seeing yourself as a survivor and not a victim, and getting to know yourself (in effect - having a relationship with yourself) you will continue to grow as a person and will blossom into a person with strength, integrity, awareness, compassion and self love. You will therefore be more discriminating when you meet new people, and more aware of behaviour from them that could potentially be abusive and negative towards you. You will also not give out "victim" signals, but will give out the signals that you are a person who is strong, who loves herself - good points and faults and all - and the right kind of people will want to get to know you.

You asked me what I meant when I said that the people on the board are a "sounding board" for you. By this, I mean that we are merely listening to you, allowing you to write and make new discoveries about yourself.

You are growing by the day hun.

>Part of the secret of healing is to let go of these perfect ideals, to accept that life is not perfect, that the perfect relationship doesn't exist, to accept imperfection within oneself.

Yes, I have an ideal self-image that was imposed by an abuser, and image like "a girl who is kind to everybody", but I cannot be kind to abusers. I need to take off this self-image out of my system.

The imposed "self" should go away, and I want to explore "self" on my own.

I know you have trouble hearing, but check out the positive affirmations written on the screen

http://youtu.be/M4QlRdpreu8

And the lyrics of the song:
"Search for the Hero inside Yourself"

Sometimes the river flows but nothing breathes
A train arrives but never leaves
It's a shame
Oh, life like love that's walked out of the door
Of being rich or being poor
Such a shame

But it's then, then that faith arrives
To make your feelings alive
And that's why (why) you should keep on aiming high
Just seek yourself and you will shine

Chorus:
You've got to search for the hero inside yourself
Search for the secrets you hide
Search for the hero inside yourself
Until you find the key to your life

In this life, long and hard though it may seem
Live it as you'd live a dream
Aim so high
Just keep the flame of truth burning bright
The missing treasure you must find
Mm, mm, mm

Because you and only you alone
Can build a bridge across the stream
Weave your spell in life's rich tapestry
Your passport to a feeling supreme

Chorus

You've got to search inside yourself
Deep, deep down inside yourself, yeah
You've got to search inside yourself

Chorus

Search for the hero inside yourself (oh, yeah, yeah, yeah)
Search for the secrets you hide (all of the secrets you hide)
Search for the hero inside yourself (you'll find the hero)
Until you find the key to your life

You've got to search inside yourself
You've got to search

Here's another song. This one has the lyrics on the screen. Powerful.
http://youtu.be/-4szP49_HKE

If you look around You Tube, you'll find lots of positive and powerful affirmations. During my therapy I used to write affirmations on post it notes and stick them around my house, on the fridge, on cupboards, on doors etc so I read positive statements everywhere I looked.

Loving yourself involves accepting yourself, just as you are. You're coming a long way hun. The journey may sometimes be bumpy and there will be times when you need to stop and rest, and even go back a little and retrace your steps. but you're moving onwards and upwards.

Hope you like the links.

Masquerade,

I am taking time to digest your writings because they're deep.

Self acceptance isn't all about being nice and good and perfect. How many emotional abusers put the pressure on a person to be perfect, to be an impossible ideal?

Many emotional abusers put the pressure on me to be perfect. e.g., my mom wanted me to accept whatever behaviours of her. She yelled at me, she denied my dream, she was unsupportive with my study, she hit me etc... However, she always claimed to accept her, but it's TOO MUCH. she wanted me to be perfect for her: a daughter who does not complain, cry or dream. She just wanted me to be her doll.

Unfortunately, I often encounter people like my mom in Vancouver. They abused me. Everytime I encounter 'em, I have flashbacks and I lose confidence. I get scared by 'em. Do you have any idea how I can avoid flashbacks and losing confidence when I encounter a bully like my mom?

Hun, the best way to deal with flashbacks is to speak to a therapist. They are trained to gently deal with these, dig into the causes, and help you to find a way forward. This really is something that probably only a therapist could deal with.

There's also a PTSD forum on here that may help. I'm not saying that you have PTSD, as only an expert could tell you that, but it may help you to read about other people's experiences, and help you by sharing yours. Please feel free to post on Verbal Abuse too, as I feel that you may be starting to feel empowered to an extent by writing down your thoughts on here. The forum is big and there is room here for you to post on as many or as few of our forums as you like. The moderators are all part of a close knit team, and we support each other, so I could also check in to any other forums you post in, if you like. However, I need to stress that the forums are NOT a substitute for therapy, and dealing with flashbacks is likely to require the help of a therapist.

You need to remember that none of us have to be perfect to be acceptable or worthy. Can you think of anyone at all who is perfect? Me neither. We are all human. We are all valuable. We are all worthy. None of us are perfect. You are lovable JUST AS YOU ARE. Now, perhaps you need to take that on board. Own it.

Hi Masquerade,

I have my thread in PTSD (post-traumatic-stress/topic84036.html). I tried to find Verbal Abuse, but couldn't find. I typed Verbal Abuse in the blank box. I also looked under Abuse forum.

When I said Verbal Abuse, I meant this forum hun, Verbal and Emotional Abuse. Sorry for the misunderstanding. Will take a look at your other post now.