Emotionally abusive relationship with my ex

Sorry you're feeling pain right now hun. I'm hearing you.

masquerade wrote:Yes, you should pat yourself on your back for saying NO to him!!! I'm sorry I misunderstood you about the bike. I have re read your post, and standing up to him in this way was a brave and strong thing to do. You are brave and strong, and I know you have the power to turn your experiences around into something that will strengthen you, empower you, and give you the added insight and compassion that comes to those who have undergone abuse, or trials and tribulations of any kind, and managed to turn around their experiences and truly learn from them.

The fact that you're sharing your experiences indicates that you're doing that. It's not only therapeutic for you, but your words are providing strength, hope and encouragement to others who may now be in the same type of situation you were once in. That is also something you should pat yourself on the back for.

I am sure to have the day to change my life.
I don't just wait, but I will make the day to change my life!!

I am writing for myself, but also I am writing for other abused people.
I read a book called "Courage to heal". There is a chapter in this book which is a collection of the stories of other abused women. I got a lot of flashbacks by reading them; and those stories were terrifying. But reading them sure gave me courage to heal.

masquerade wrote:Yes, very often anti depressants can be palliative, rather like a sticking plaster, although it's essential to take them as they take the edge of the immediate pain and allow a person to function. You're sensible to do as your doctor advises and not come off them suddenly. You're also right in that talking things over through therapy can get to the root cause of the problem.

Your insight into yourself and your self awareness will strengthen you. When I read through your posts, I'm inspired by you, and I know that your posts are also inspiring others.

What do you mean by "sticking plaster"? Yes, I heard that med moderate the pains.
I am not on therapy yet, but when it starts, more pains should come and I should be prepared for them by being on med. Yes, I feel med helps me while I am on therapy, and therapy will resolve the problem.

Yes, I am self-approving. I write for myself, but I also write for other abused women. I read a book called "Courage to heal", whose one chapter is a collection of the stories of abused women. I got a lot of flashbacks by reading them, but I got power from their stories. I am inspired by you, too.

Thank you hun.

When I say "sticking plaster" I'm referring to the adhesive bandages that people put on small grazes. It must be a British only term! I'm saying that anti depressants provide a sort of protective cover for the pain,(like an adhesive bandage) whilst therapy gets to the root issue, and heals from within.

I'm going to buy "Courage to Heal" It sounds inspirational.

Keep up the good work within yourself. Every day is a new day, one day further from the past.

Your words really are inspirational.

masquerade wrote:Thank you hun.

When I say "sticking plaster" I'm referring to the adhesive bandages that people put on small grazes. It must be a British only term! I'm saying that anti depressants provide a sort of protective cover for the pain,(like an adhesive bandage) whilst therapy gets to the root issue, and heals from within.

I'm going to buy "Courage to Heal" It sounds inspirational.

Keep up the good work within yourself. Every day is a new day, one day further from the past.

Your words really are inspirational.

I now understand it's an adhesive bandage. Yes, I need to cover my wounds in my mind, so that it will not further damaged. It's a good simile

You can here take a look at a few pages from the book.
http://www.amazon.com/Courage-Heal-Revi ... 0060950668
My ex-physician recommended me this book; she said it's a bible for survivors.

It's very embarrassing for me to hear that my words are inspirational. Being abused and feeling inferior was norm to me in my life. It is irregular for me to receive nice words from others, but I want to get used to receiving nice words from others I deserve them, don't I?

Also, I sometimes feel intimidated to exchange comments with you and other people on this website. So far in my life, having relationship with somebody was often associated with experiencing violations. People who were supposed to close to me and understand me (my dad, mom, my ex-partner and some of my ex-classmates) violated my boundaries and made me feel I am less important than regular people. I think they were bullies.

I know you are different people from them. I know that you don't abuse or bully people on this website. I have not experienced any violation from you, but my past experiences still scare me to interact with others... But I want to overcome my isolation. There are bullies in this world and there are great people, too! I want to believe that bullies cannot affect my life forever.

You know what the biggest defence against a bully? It isn't necessarily being able to retort back to them, or to hit back, or even to get angry with them. The biggest defence is TO LOVE YOURSELF, BELIEVE IN YOURSELF, KNOW THAT YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS TYPE OF TREATMENT, TO BE ABLE TO HOLD YOU HEAD UP HIGH AND WALK AWAY FROM THE BULLY. All bullies have one thing in common. They all try to take away a person's self love. The biggest defence is to reclaim it, own it and take it back. It was never theirs to take. Bullies do not own us and they do not own our self esteem. We should never have to rely on the bully to give us self esteem, or allow them to take it away. Self esteem comes from within.

I want you to tell me three things that you LOVE about yourself. It isn't narcissistic or big headed. In order to love others we first of all have to love ourselves, just as we are, faults and all. We are all entitled to have good points and bad points, entitled to make mistakes, entitled to just be as we are. I could name three good points I can see in you just from reading your posts, but I want YOU to do it. I want you to own them.

masquerade wrote:You know what the biggest defence against a bully? It isn't necessarily being able to retort back to them, or to hit back, or even to get angry with them. The biggest defence is TO LOVE YOURSELF, BELIEVE IN YOURSELF, KNOW THAT YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS TYPE OF TREATMENT, TO BE ABLE TO HOLD YOU HEAD UP HIGH AND WALK AWAY FROM THE BULLY. All bullies have one thing in common. They all try to take away a person's self love. The biggest defence is to reclaim it, own it and take it back. It was never theirs to take. Bullies do not own us and they do not own our self esteem. We should never have to rely on the bully to give us self esteem, or allow them to take it away. Self esteem comes from within.

I want you to tell me three things that you LOVE about yourself. It isn't narcissistic or big headed. In order to love others we first of all have to love ourselves, just as we are, faults and all. We are all entitled to have good points and bad points, entitled to make mistakes, entitled to just be as we are. I could name three good points I can see in you just from reading your posts, but I want YOU to do it. I want you to own them.

I was not able to access this website for the last couple of hours. I wonder why. But instead of writing, I was able to do some necessary errands. Recently, I've been addicted to writing here. I cannot neglect other errands, though.

Yes, my ex-partner tried to take away my self-love by disapproving what I say. e.g., when I confessed him about my mom's abuses to me, he just said she didn't look like an abuser. That was it. He didn't take my words seriously. That made me feel my words are not important to him.

If he was in love with me, he would have shown attention to my words, by responding, "Is it true? Can I ask you the details?". If someone truly cares about me, they will provide me support, when I tell that I am/was in a dangerous situation.

It makes me weep that I remember that he didn't care about me, although I was seriously in love with him. I feel he was pretending that he loved me, but actually not. I think he was not serious about our relationship.

Every time my ex bullied me, I lost my confidence or got angry with him. In the both cases, it was very emotionally exhausting and draining. I am now away from him. I want to have a relationship with people who are emotionally fulfilling and inspiring, people who help me to love myself, believe in myself, know that I don't deserve unfair treatment and to be able to hold myself head up high and walk away from bad people. You are one of them, masquerade I am lucky to have you here.

Sometimes my ex was racist. One day I was making a phone call and I was introducing myself over the phone; after this phone call, my ex said to me, "We don't say, 'My name is…'", so I asked him what he says, and he said, "I'm…". However, I believe that the both are fine. I kinda felt that he took advantage of my being non-native speaker, and tried to humiliate and confuse me. That was very unfair.

Three things that I LOVE about myself…hmm…

First, I am brave. I could say no to my ex's unfair request that he will sell my private bike. Second, I am sincere. I had broken up with my ex in 2009. However, I have yet not solved the relationship with him within me. Therefore, I have not made any boyfriend since 2009. Meanwhile, apparently, he has lived with his new girlfriend since 2010. This means that I was more sincere and committed to the relationship with him. Third, I can smile very cutely

Finding the three things was fun. Thanks for your assignment!

I will write more later as I'm on my way out, but for now I want you to copy down your three best qualities, and really think about them. Own them. Tomorrow add another one etc etc.

The secret to self love is to look WITHIN for validation, to accept your good and not so good points, and love yourself unconditonally. Therapy can help.

There really is nothing to thank me for. I didn't do any of this. You did. You are reclaiming your power, taking on board your own thoughts and feelings, owning them. That's pretty impressive.

Hi. I can write a bit more now, and I want to add a little bit to my last post.

The site was down for a short time earlier, which is why you were unable to log on. There will come a time when you will find that you need to write on here less and less, but for now it may be helpful for you to write about how you feel.

Every day that passes by creates a greater distance between the past and the present, and with every day you will learn more about yourself and grow. Your ex stole some valuable things from you that were not his to have. He took away your self esteem, your autonomy, your fundamental belief in yourself. Now you are claiming back what is rightfully yours. You have done all this yourself. The people on the board have merely been sounding boards for you. You have done it. Remember the film The Wizard of Oz, how the tin man, the scarecrow, the lion and Dorothy embarked on a perilous quest to find the elusive wizard who they believed could give them the things they felt they lacked? After a long and dangerous journey, they found him, only to find that he was a fake, just an ordinary man with no magical powers. They learnt that they only had to LOOK WITHIN THEMSELVES to find courage, a heart, a brain and the way home. They reclaimed their power, and learnt that they didn't have to look outside for it. That is what you're doing, finding your own way, growing in strength every day. Some days won't be a good as others, but that's okay. As your self esteem grows, you'll also learn about your imperfections too, but that's also okay. Self love and acceptance is all about learning that we are okay JUST AS WE ARE.

My parents and my ex showed me affection that was bound by conditions. I would be deemed to be lovable only if I reflected their impossible ideals. Of course I couldn't do that, and so I tried to present a "perfect" front, and developed the appeasing type of HPD, in which I became a people pleaser. Therapy taught me that I didn't need to look outside for validation, or to be perfect to be acceptable. Like the charecters in the Wizard of Oz, I learnt that I had all the resources I needed within myself, and I learnt to begin to accept myself, faults and imperfections and all.

You said "Every time my ex bullied me, I lost my confidence or got angry with him. In the both cases, it was very emotionally exhausting and draining. I am now away from him. I want to have a relationship with people who are emotionally fulfilling and inspiring, people who help me to love myself, believe in myself, know that I don't deserve unfair treatment and to be able to hold myself head up high and walk away from bad people. You are one of them, masquerade I am lucky to have you here." unquote

Thank you, that really touched me. I have my faults and so does everyone else. We all have our faults, but I think I reached you because I BELIEVED IN YOU, and there are other people too, not perfect, with their own good points and failings, who will also believe in you. You need to continue to believe in yourself, in order to find them. If you can continue to build upon your relationship with yourself, you will attract people who will love and accept you for yourself.

You have come a long way, and your journey is inspiring.

masquerade wrote:I will write more later as I'm on my way out, but for now I want you to copy down your three best qualities, and really think about them. Own them. Tomorrow add another one etc etc.

The secret to self love is to look WITHIN for validation, to accept your good and not so good points, and love yourself unconditonally. Therapy can help.

There really is nothing to thank me for. I didn't do any of this. You did. You are reclaiming your power, taking on board your own thoughts and feelings, owning them. That's pretty impressive.

I wrote down three best qualities of mine on the green notebook I everyday use.
I will try to remember them when I have a hard time. I will add some more when time comes...

When I look within, I find some qualities I like and some I don't like...
I hesitate to do it 'cause I am afraid to find some qualities that are not nice...

e.g., I remember that I emotionally abused my younger sis, Chie, one time.
I was seated next to her in my dad's car. I started saying something not nice to her, and continued for some minutes, and eventually she started crying...I feel bad that I did this. I think I did this 'cause my grandmother used to do the same to me... I might mistook it as an expression of love... thus, it's not my fault, but still my sis didn't need to experience such a bad treatment from her own big sis...
If I could go back to that moment, I wish to say something nicer to her...

When I go to therapy, doing it in English can be a big obstacle for me, 'cause I'm not a native speaker.
Writing is easier 'cause I have more time to think, and can rewrite before submit; but I am worse at speech. I need to practice. I might need to have an interpreter, or I might need to ask her to speak slowly and give me some time before I utter words.
Yes, I everyday try to understand and accept ideas and opinions which may change the way I behave the next day. This is difficult, 'cause this makes my life unstable and unpredictable. However, this also gives me possibility...

Open to the future which you'll never know!