Emotionally abusive relationship with my ex

masquerade wrote:I can't emphasise enough the importance of therapy.

Well.. I am having a trouble with a therapist.
I found one in a charity organization. I met her this week, but I had a negative effect from her therapy.
I think she did not make a good structure for the session. She did not 'check in and out'.
What I know about a therapy is, before they start it, they do 5 min- 10 min meditation, and also in the end, they do it again to ground yourself...
I felt very spacy after the therapy and was not able to get home smoothly. I took the wrong bus.

I even binged after the therapy. I did not like her therapy.
What can I do?

Hun, not all therapists begin and end a session with a meditation. If you have only met her once, then I would suggest giving her some time. It can take some sessions to build up a therapeutic relationship with a therapist. It has to be this way. You, the client, are going to trust her with some deep and painful emotional issues. You can't possibly do this after one session. You and her need to get to know each other, and begin to trust each other. This can all take time.

It's very common to feel a bit spaced out after a session, and a good therapist will not take you any deeper into the therapy than is good for you. It may help if you can tell her how you felt after the session, so that you can both find ways of working together that are good for you. Sometimes, a person can feel raw after a session, or drained, as deep rooted issues are brought to the surface. This can often be because these emotions have been buried in the subconscious for many years, and it can be painful to confront them. In time, however, a great sense of healing can take place.

I wanted to add to what masquerade wrote, that it is very common to feel 'spaced out' for a while after therapy, but it is often a necessary (and temporary) discomfort for a long term gain. Finding a therapist you trust can be hard, but no matter what therapist, it can leave you (temporarily) feeling out of it after a session.

I really hope for your sake that you stick with it. Therapy is the one place where instead of bandaging over our emotional wounds with coping mechanisms and denial, we're in a place where we can really get to work on healing. Just like physical therapy though, while there can be some discomfort in the process, long term we can come out much stronger.

Just quickly read the both posts regarding how a therapy works...

My fundamental issue is that I am feared by human being. My father is a monster. I am afraid that people surrounding me will at some point take off and away their 'human' masks and turn to a 'monster' like my father in order to attack me. My intrusive/negative thoughts tell me, "Hey, Gato, you have been protecting yourself from monsters, by not trusting human being in general, You have been doing so pretty well; especially being isolated helped you a lot, why do you wanna go back to the therapy?"

My negative voice is very strong. He orders me not to go back to the therapy...

I have PTSD and I have a severe distrust in human being.
To me human being = devil/monster; it was imprinted when I was little due to my father's cruel monster-like treatment to me.
Meanwhile cat=nice/friends; because I developed a good friendship with my cats when I was little. I am afraid that these imprinted formula will be destroyed by my therapist... She is not my cat, she is a human being, she cannot come into my world...

I also did not like that my clinical counsellor gave me a hug before she asked if I feel comfortable or not.
I accepted her hug, because I have a strong fear towards authority...

I am not sure if she is doing her job well........

If you are not comfortable with the hug, please tell your therapist. She won't be offended. It will take some time for you to begin to trust her, especially since you find it difficult to trust people. Gradually as time goes by and the therapy progresses, you will begin to establish trust with her. She is there to help, but you also have to remember that she is human and not perfect. None of us are.

Having therapy can be truly life changing hun, but you need to try to give it a chance.

Hey masq!

I am out at Starbucks 'cause the internet has been down since Friday, and my landlords are perfectly unpleasant existence on the earth. I do not want to write to them to request a repair on Sunday...


Previously, I was in Toronto, and currently, I am in Vancouver.
I attended several 'childhood sexual abuse group' and 'eating disorder group' in Toronto.
In those grps, at the first meeting, we (grp members) present any rule that we want.
Not being touched was always brought up by somebody in the groups.
It was almost common sense within abused women's community in Toronto to prohibit touching.

But here in Van., this rule might not be as pervasive as in Toronto.
Actually, I am not as mad as before at the fact that she touched me...

She did not make a next appointment for me...
I am not sure how it works with her, but I will see.

It may help if you give her another chance, make an appointment, and tell her that you don't feel comfortable with hugs.

I am seeing her this coming Thursday.

I need to tell her that a hug makes me feel uneasy...
Also, I need to tell her that I have a strong fear against authority.
That is why when she gives a hug, it's difficult for me to refuse...

I know it's a trust issue.
To learn about trust, I need to continue a counselling, but to continue a counselling, I need a trust.
It's a question of egg or hen which one is first...
(If I do not trust her, I cannot tell her I don't like being hugged.) When I expressed myself, I always got punishment from my family members, so it's going to be a very difficult task for me to mention a hug. I think I should write a memo and show it to her...

It's going to be my second time to see her.
We might not be the best match to each other.
Our cultures are different (I am Asian and she is Caucasian).
She seems like a nice person, but I think I need to take a bit more time to get to know her, as you say.

I am in a bad mood now. Many negative events are going on in my life. My landlords're evicting me, I'm new to Vancouver and feel overwhelmed, I'm suffering flashbacks etc... However, all of these negative events are not my fault. I am not blaming myself for negative events happening to me. I want to be optimistic. It may sound a bit crazy to be optimistic after I got raped multiple times and attempted suicide several times in my life. However, well...I want to accept my life so far. My life has been a tragedy and I accept it. I am not very sure if I can continue a therapy now under the above circumstances, but I hope to continue... ...

Hugs (online hugs are easier than real ones)

You said

I am in a bad mood now. Many negative events are going on in my life. My landlords're evicting me, I'm new to Vancouver and feel overwhelmed, I'm suffering flashbacks etc... However, all of these negative events are not my fault. I am not blaming myself for negative events happening to me. I want to be optimistic. It may sound a bit crazy to be optimistic after I got raped multiple times and attempted suicide several times in my life. However, well...I want to accept my life so far. My life has been a tragedy and I accept it. I am not very sure if I can continue a therapy now under the above circumstances, but I hope to continue... ...

Hun, I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through all of this at the moment. It sounds like your circumstances are overwhelming at the moment. Is there anything you could do, ie take legal advice regarding the landlord evicting you?

It helps sometimes when everything seems to be too much, to prioritise and deal with the most important and immediate things first, which in your case seems to be the possible eviction. The other concerns can wait until the most important things are dealt with first. I strongly advise you to see what your rights are regarding your landlord, and to make finding accommodation your main priority. If you can deal with one thing at a time, the load won't seem so overwhelming. It may also help if you could speak to your doctor about the way you're feeling.

It sounds like a good idea to write a memo for your therapist if you feel you may find it difficult explaining that you don't like hugs. I am sure she will understand. If you also explain to her how overwhelmed you feel at the moment, she will take the counselling at a slow pace that is safe for you. It shouldn't matter if she is caucasian and you are asian. If you feel that there may be cultural aspects that she may not be familiar with, perhaps you can explain them to her.

Sorry for not replying sooner. I have hardly had a chance to get to the board the past couple of days.

Please let me know how you get on.

You said

Hugs (online hugs are easier than real ones)

Thank you. Sending you an online ((((hug))))) too.