Adult child of emotionally manipulative mother

I am so relieved to have found this post/forum and to read the experiences of shyterra and ikim88 and everyone else who posted. I am breathing a huge sigh of relief because I can totally relate to your experiences and I feel less alone and crazy and like it's all in my head. The most toxic relationship I have is with my mother. She emotionally manipulates me and can have me writhing in guilt and self-loathing. She positions herself as both the cause and cure of my problems. She creates confusion, exploits my vulnerabilities, denies and rejects responsibility for her hurtful behavior, and skillful rationalizes her actions to place the blame squarely on me at all times in situations big and small. She has never once defended me, empathized with me or understood my point of view. She finds some fault (big or small) in every decision I make and always says, "I'm just trying to help you." I guess shaming me is her idea of help.

When I was younger she would only hit my brother and I when my father wasn't home. I didn't realize this until I became older. Now, she pretends like none of those things happened. She is always defending her behavior and saying, "...but that wasn't my intention." Very recently she even lied straight to my face. She was bashing my father and when I brought to her attention that her conversation was inappropriate and I didn't want to hear her complain about my father she said, "Okay I'm sorry. You're right I need to find someone to talk to about this." Then immediately without blinking said, "Oh, you thought I was talking about your father? I wasn't talking about him." I just stared her dead in her eye--. She is always trying to cover her tracks and she uses religion to put herself on a pedestal and condone her abusive behavior explaining that as a daughter I'm not suppose to say anything back and just endure her verbal abuse and practice forgiveness. She is the first person to tell my brother and I what we should do "as believers" and if we "truly believed" and "one day you're going to wish you listened to me".

I can honestly say, without a shadow of doubt that I have never had a moment in my life where I thought to myself, "If only I had listened to my mother...". In fact, just the opposite. If I had not listened to her I would have made better choices and my self-esteem would be in much better shape. Because I took so much of her verbal abuse to heart I've really damaged my confidence, I've become a social recluse, and am a shell of my former self--a very confident, extroverted, spitfire.

I continue to work on my self-confidence with years of effort, progress and resets working to rebuild my spirit to its former glory so that I can see my dreams come true and live a life a can be proud of. I find myself making the mistake of when I feel better and stronger putting myself in compromising situations with my mother and being hurt again--just like a abusive relationship with a boyfriend/husband. I'm struggling establishing and sticking to boundaries because she has a way of making me feel comfortable and just when I do she throws a dagger and I run off wounded and hurt again and go into myself and then work on rebuilding all over again--a cycle. This time I am putting indefinite distance between us and making a commitment to myself to keep her emotionally distant for myself. She tries to win my affections with gifts and money. She will find out what I need and offer to pay because she knows I'm struggling financially. I always have to remind myself that "everything that glitters isn't gold" and it's just not worth the drama of accept her hand-outs and I'm better off doing without it even though I'm struggling now, but I know I have to put myself in a position to not need her money.

I sincerely hope we can be a support to each other in this forum as we learn to develop and establish boundaries and learn to protect ourselves and grow from these negative relationships! I believe we can do it, together. (((Hugs))

This is the first time I have ever reached out, a little scared. My mother is 91 yeas old, she lives on her own (step-dad died 2 years ago). She has had multiple ladies work for her, but each time they either leave or she wants them out of their home (we started to place bets on how long the ladies will last). She is very mean to them, always looking over their shoulder when they are cooking and telling them how to do everything, to the point that the ladies have to ask before they do anything. She has always been very manipulating, controlling and lies a lot. She used to throw herself on the floor and pretend she had fainted when things where not going her way. Don't want to bore you with my childhood, it was not fun. Anyways, she just got a new lady the other day that is staying with her, the lady told me that my mom had climbed on a chair or stool to get something and she had not listen to her to get down. I told the lady that my mom was that way, you could not tell her what to do and she would get mad very easy, the lady told my mom what I said. The other day my mom called me and told me "Thanks for a wonderful recommendation", she told me when she gets in peoples business is not to harm them but to do good and that I should not of told the lady anything (she's probably right, but I was trying to warn the lady). I told her I was only telling the lady the truth after the lady made a remark about her, she when on but I hang up because I really hate my mom specially because she treats people like $#%^ ( and lots of history). The other day my sister-in-law when to visit and said the new lady was teary eye and sad. I blocked my moms phone from my cell because I don't want to deal with her anymore, is it bad that I don't ever want to talk to her again?

I too was emotionally abused by my mother. I only really understood the extent of that abuse when I started having therapy. It was the first time I had ever spoken about my family. I knew that we were dysfunctional but it's just not something you tell people. I don't really want to talk about here.

Anyway during the therapy my therapist wrote this report - outlining some of what we had discussed and his opinion regarding my diagnosis and treatment. My mother found the letter and read it. She disowned me. That's nothing new - she had been doing it for years. Every time I displeased her in any way she'd subject me to the silent treatment or cut me out of her life. It could last days, or weeks or months. I'd warned her about the way she was treating me. I told her that if she ever did it again, disowned me [with all the venom and nastiness that came with that] that I would not be coming back.

And so when finally she did it again I made the decision not to go back for anymore. I was devastated, distraught, heartbroken. I was grieving my my Mum who hadn't even said goodbye. Just a nasty letter telling me never to contact her again.

That was 7 years ago and I haven't spoken to her since. To me it feels as if she is dead. She isn't a part of my life anymore. I know that for me I did the right thing. And my therapists agreed.

The thing I find the hardest though is other people's reaction. Even those who I consider friends, who know some of my history, still think that I should make my peace with her, forgive her and have a relationship with her. She is your mother, I don't know how you could just abandon her. I mean no disrespect to those victims of domestic abuse, but if we were talking about a partner or a husband I cannot imagine one person would advice me to go back for more.

Hi, I'm here to ask for some help. I've a very controlling and manipulative mom and i'm 23 this year. Even among the midst of not earning much right now she's been harboring a lot of anger towards me for my parent's divorce (and accusing me of lying to my dad to seek pity when i'm just telling the truth) Just like once when i lived with her in Japan and she wouldn't let me go out on my own and my dad happen to ask so i told him the truth and she's was very angry over me telling the truth. And she wants me to lie to him (can you imagine your own mum forcing your to do that!)

Just an hour ago, she called asking what I've been up too. Because I had return an long overdue phone call to her friend (who dropped by in town, and my mum lied to her that i'm not around!) And she was hella mad too telling me that if i do intend to stay at her friend's place in Japan and if i do borrow money from her, She'll disown me. Imagine this and i'm just returning a favor of an overdue phone call and this was what i got. And apparently she forced her friend to tell her everything that i've said to her friend. And i'm still curious what does she have to do with me and her friend getting along?

Now, i'm just hoping not to talk to her anymore at the moment. Well I'm also aware that i've depression and the toxicity of my own home and living with my also very verbally abusive dad. There's no way out for me right now to leave the house but what should i do not?

I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through. Would it help to talk to someone like a doctor or a counsellor/therapist? There might be something they can do to help with the depression and also some support whilst you're going through all of this? Is there perhaps a friend or relative you could stay with? Even a small time away from all of that might help.

In the end though you need to remember that none of this is your fault. You didn't do anything wrong and you're certainly not to blame for your parents problems whatever they might be. I think right now you need to focus on yourself if you can. Focus on getting yourself well again because the time will come when you can leave.

Hopefully you can find some help and support on the forum too.

painfulchildhood wrote:My mum is extremely manipulative, first she complains my dad, then she starts saying how she is a mother after all, and a mother is the best person to love a daughter and how she can never be angry even if i abuse her. So she will forgive me. My dad believes she is the world's best and most forgiving mother. She buys expensive clothes for us, and all my relatives tell that i am so lucky to have a mother like her.
when no one is at home, i am supposed to do all the household chores as she always complains that she has a problem with her knee and she cant work at all.
but when dad is home she ll do the work and tell dad how useless i am. when we go for parties her leg pain automatically disappears and she starts dancing to the core.
she makes sure dad and i never get to spend time alone. (we ve been alone once in 22 years) and when dad said he had a gala time with me....I could c her eyes boiling... I knew what would happen next and within 2 days dad was yelling at me for being rude to my mom.
I now realise she has been so jealous f me...she said bad things about my best friend to me and now messages her on watsapp..
she would never let me get dressed, not even let me select my clothes (unless its a function..so that everyone can tell she s such a good mom)...
in front of my family she be sober..instigate and when i say something pretend to be the victim..
everyone sympathises with her..even my grandmother..
she tells me how useless i am ...and if i do manage to get success...she makes sure that she breaks my confidence so much that i dont trust myself nemore...

Thanks for sharing Painfulchildhood. I had to go through something very similar with my mother.

Although I was beaten severely as a kid, the physical abuse does not bother me now. That is probably because I am a guy. She was aware that if I lost it I would lash back at her. I did hit her back once and I do not remember being beaten after that.

As a kid, I remember telling her that my shoulder hurt because of a previous disciplinary session and she just told me that had it been any harder my bones would have broken. Some mother she was. She used to use this line on me all the time: "Spare the rod spoil the child", to justify her beatings. She was so shrewd with her words that I would believe her complete and utter lies.

She used the same technique with the confidence killing. She would point out all the flaws that I had and never recognized my accomplishments. This led me on a never ending quest for validation from any one I ever met. I completely lost myself in the process. It was only very recently that I began giving myself some recognition and began counting my accomplishments.

I also recognize the separation she kept between me, my sister and my dad. She would bitch about one person with the others. She always had to be there when the other two were present. This was her way of controlling the information flow. She was so good at this that one person hardly knew about the other. Not until she freaked out that me and my sister had gone out for lunch, did I realize this fact about her.

I am pretty sure that she has screwed the family up in ever more ways and I may be reading somethings wrong, but I do not have any more time for regret and despair. I want to overhaul my personality and get a fresh new start. I pray to God that everything works out.

God bless.

Wow, guys...I really don't know how to start, but first, I have to say that my abuse was almost ENTIRELY emotional and psychological, because my mom victimized me via MBP, so my story doesn't hold a candle to the violent outbursts endured by many who've been physically beaten by their moms, but...well, the emotional stuff--and especially the psychological stuff, it lingers for pretty much...ever, and has played disastrously into so much of my failures I can't even begin.
Anyone with about 10 minutes of free time can read my blog, here: http://bit.ly/1lU3i0w
I share several things with people on this thread.
Firstly, I am very relieved I found this site...when I wrote the blog entry above, my 'plight' had almost completely swallowed me up...I'd rather have been in a long string of physical altercations with a high school bully than find myself at the whim of an educated, well-connected, and highly respected woman like my mom before I even had the chance to develop my own character and personality.
But my mother was an egocentric narcissist who used me to play off many of her own faults, failures, and shortcomings, and the sheer brute force of such malignant behavior is beyond expression. Like the 'evil spirits' cast out by Jesus, and Satan himself, such stuff will absolutely destroy you, whether lying in wait, or merely happening upon you at a bad time in random fashion.
She's still a devoted member to the 'supersized' mega-church I name in my blog, still going through all the motions in order to deceive...erm...'the very elect' (taken out of context straight from Matt 24:24, but only to show how 'good' she is at deception)...she goes to church several days a week, staying all day at least twice during the week, LITERALLY taking church widows and shut-ins out for shopping, LITERALLY donating to every child-based charitable donation opportunity that's announced in her Sunday School group, etc., all while deliberately--and with great relish--manipulating me every chance she gets.
EVERY YEAR for the last two decades (likely TWICE that, and I've 'sublimated' many years in order to cope), she uses my birthday to manipulate me into an almost childlike stupor, so she can utilize her incredible repertoire of skills to provoke me to new heights of idiocy, shame, and enough self-contempt to have me back in counseling and on psychotropics for the depression she had me in for 20 years (again, read my blog entry for that).
Today she played this hand again by contacting me via Facebook (I 'unfriended' her instead of 'blocking' her, to my regret, this year) to tell me that my dad had accepted some ridiculous errand to go on for a local auctioneer, to travel over 200 miles to a major city in our state...and that would cause them to not be able to take me to dinner for my birthday this year.
I'm 46 tomorrow...like so many of the other people commenting on this thread, I should have learned already, and quietly panned my parents--both of them, because today I finally realized my dad's been an active participant all along--and live out the rest of my own life in quiet peace of mind apart from their subjecting me to the unbelievable let-downs and ridiculous dejection they've put together my entire life.
Financially, I'm still on the SSDI payments I was put on at age 19 when she had me temporarily declared a ward of the state to have me institutionalized against my will, after being jailed for being a runaway in my state (a law only recently changed to prevent runaways from being jailed with criminals and getting forced into any 'system').
The petty, simple, canny, yet oh-so-personally deceitful ways a manipulative mother can get at their kids are incredible, yet my girlfriend (yes, I AM that lucky!) gave me several insights (via her experience with an alcoholic father, and as a result, Al-Anon) like the concept of NOT giving [an alcoholic, but also, an abusive mother, in this case] ANY power over you, and how to start understanding that process by comparing it to Judo (keep your hands away from your opponent, use their methods/weight/strengths against them, but keeping in mind they're more experienced at it!).
This, and the old adage "How do you know an alcoholic [or, again, in this case--an intentionally deceitful mother] is lying? Their lips are moving". Those two have kept me cleaner of issues, but today, I'm realizing I find myself grasping at straws again, so I may myself be cutting off my parents (even though I'm the one financially ruined, barely able to pay my own bills, whose life has seen no end to spoiled opportunities because--like the narcissistic mother in the JPG I've uploaded here, she really did quietly go about using her connections at church, school (she was a HS teacher while I went), and later, even in local NAMI (wow...the blog) to destroy so many chances I showed at succeeding in life, it's endless.
Well, I'm meandering, and I could go on, but I caught her latest garbage on the phone today via recording our convo, and I just finished disguising our voices in order to make it part of a Youtube video I'm uploading, so...I just hope some of you have found more methods to absolve yourselves of your home issues, and I'm sorriest for the youngest here still stuck at home, in the most awkward, needy times of your lives, living in the same house as your tormentor...because my time 'there' wasn't fun, easy, or supported in ANY way, by any of my friends, or anyone I reached out to, so, please, for your own sakes, keep submitting here, keeping friends updated, because here we seem to have found others who've truly gone through the same thing.
'RememberRonni' actually performed the necessary edits on my blog to make it presentable and 'secure' as far as identities, etc., so I remember and appreciate her (him? them.) for that.
Also, I agree with 'RR' on the level of disbelief shared by those who you've tried to tell about your own mom's real, yet carefully-concealed 'methods' ('self'). My mom's family was HUGE, and our church grew to well over 7,500 people, most of whom know my parents as the 'perfect members' (haha! sweet justice, but only here!) they've been for over 35 years...and anyone who's heard them--or other members--tell about me, has only bothered to hear 'their' versions, where they carefully remit important items like my eventual (yet incredibly PRIVATE adjudication by the last psychiatrist who eventually (finally!) found I'd never been depressed, schizo, or even psychotic, but that my mom had actually committed a crime in her MBP mistreatment of ME!
We often hear things like 'people choose what they want to believe', but it's relentlessly difficult to know that your future--your life--has been discarded like an empty soda bottle--after you were wasted on parents who never really treated you like you really did deserve to be treated--like a good son, a good daughter, a loving child.
We were tragically blinded by our trust, and many of us will never get back what we lost.
I'll end by wishing there were even MORE online support resources for those victimized by 'mum'...especially the men out there. We're often emasculated anytime we start blaming our moms for our problems, and believe me, it's a vicious cycle there--I'm glad I found a stable girlfriend, we've been together for 10 years this past month (yay!).
Oh--the sites I found by Googling (with quotes) 'Narcissistic Mother":
http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/
http://www.narcissisticmother.com/
http://thenarcissisticlife.com/do-i-hav ... ic-mother/
http://www.lightshouse.org/the-narcissi ... z3CDBbPeBR

The first few statements in that last site are so vindicating, I strongly suggest you look at it first, just for validation.