Deciding to leave spouse with personality disorder

Just wondering if anybody here has advice/support for non-personality disordered spouse or can relate.

Hi, and welcome to the forum. I'd be pleased to help if you could tell us a little about your situation.

schnoodlesmom wrote:Just wondering if anybody here has advice/support for non-personality disordered spouse or can relate.

There are a great many non-disordered spouse/partners here who'll be able to relate. But unfortunately I've come to the conclusion that this website doesn't welcome or support us in a genuine sense. If your spouse has a personality disorder, there IS a forum for it where you'd normally expect to find information and others who have specific experience.. But we're not allowed there.

I'm sorry to sound negative, but I came here for similar reasons after learning that my ex has Histrionic Personality Disorder. For me, her insanity seemed chaotic and random. Till I looked up the symptoms. Reading about it was like playing connect the dots. It was an epiphany But when I began 'lurking' in the forum for Histrionic Personality Disorder, the disclaimer made it clear that ANYTHING which offends isn't tolerated. And Histrionics are offended by ANYTHING negative. If those like us (called "Nons" in the forum) make comments on the negative aspects of the disorder, the moderator threatens them and has their thread moved here. It's pretty depressing to have nobody who understands to talk to.

I don't know if the other forums are as bad as the Histrionic one, so it may not effect you. Have you ever heard of the website called shrink4men? The woman who runs it is an expert psych in relationships and personality disorders. It may be a better place than this for us.

Many of the posts for nons are directed here to the Relationship Forum, or the abuse forums where they can get input and support. There can quite often be a conflict of interest as the Personality Disorder Forums are intended primarily for support of those who actually have a disorder. Personality Disorders can be distressing both for the people who suffer from them and for their spouses, partners and relatives. When a conflict of interest has occurred, there have been cases where disputes have arisen on the board, and this isn't healthy or supportive for either side.

I mod both the HPD and the Relationship Forum, and have often given supportive input here on this forum to those in a relationship with a person who is disordered. Having been in a relationship with an ex who was extremely disordered, and being the daughter of a histrionic mother and a narcissistic father, and also being a recovering HPD after extensive therapy, I can see both points of view, and try always to remain compassionate to both sides. You will find that the other mods on here, who all work on a voluntary basis, also share the same compassion, and often go the extra mile for the members on this board. I find myself thinking about the people on here even when not on duty.

You are more than welcome to post on here about your relationship with a personality disordered partner, and will receive support and input here on the Relationship Forum. I wish you a warm welcome.

Hi, and thank you for your responses.

I too have a spouse who I believe without a doubt has histrionic personality disorder and traits of several others. I love how you describe your realization, honestinjun, as connect the dots. I found that to be my exact experience too. I cannot even describe the relief/clarity I had when I finally saw all of the strange, bewildering, and at times very abusive behaviors of my spouse right there in black and white in a list! He had so many I cannot even keep count! There have been things he would do over the years that I could never really describe to anyone like "gaslighting" for example. There is actually a WORD for that behavior. I would have never guessed that!

Anyway, like I said I am fairly new to the idea of personality disorders but I truly believe I have been married to someone who suffers from one for the past 12 years. I am now finding I must get out of this relationship for my own self preservation, as he refuses to acknowledge the problem at all and most certainly refuses to go to any type of therapy. Hence the "deciding to leave a spouse with a personality disorder topic". I think I am really just trying to reach out and find some support and advice from other "nons" who might be willing to share. This is probably not the right "fit" for that I gather.

To honestinjun again: No, have not heard of that website but would be willing to check it out if you think it may be a more appropriate place for nons, although I am a woman; do you think I would fit in okay at shrink4men? I'll try anything once! LOL On a serious note, I did find a website that is completely dedicated to nons, which is the website where I actually discovered my spouse probably has this disorder. Here is the link. You may find this site very helpful.
http://www.outofthefog.net/index.html I also found a very helpful site called Daily Strength where I have posted over the last few days under their "Separating and Divorce Support Group" and there are actually quite a few people who spoke up about their suspected personality disordered partners and so that site has been helpful to me as well. This is really the first time I have tried support forums and I am finding them quite supportive and helpful overall.

Perhaps I will come back and try to give a bit of my story soon without "offending" anybody but now I feel a bit limited on what I can truly share here so will think on it for a bit.

Thanks everyone for your welcomes

Hun,as I said before you are more than welcome to share, and if you take a look around the abuse forums and this forum you will find many others in your position. You will certainly not offend anybody. Those who have a personality disorder and refuse to acknowledge it or get treatment are responsible for their actions and the effects their actions have on others. They can be treated, but the person has to take on board their disorder, and sadly many do not do that. This can be devastating for their partners. You may think I am biased in that I am a recovering HPD, but I have had extensive therapy, owned my own mistakes, faced up to the traumas of my past, worked very hard on my own issues and made a journey of recovery that has taken some time. It is ongoing, as I think everyone's journey of healing is. I have the appeasing type of HPD, which means that I am a people pleaser, and often very unassertive. There are different types of HPD. This has not made me biased in any way, and I act as a moderator to both sides, and have developed an ability to see beyond the immediate and really empathise with the nons who come on here. It might also help you to look around at other websites too.

Yes, there is a name for the crazy making, the denial, the twisting of facts, the outright lies in the face of evidence to the contrary etc etc. Gaslighting makes the victim feel crazy, causes her/him to second guess, to walk on egghells and its effects are subtle, slow and insiduous until they come to be all consuming. I found myself walking around with a pad and paper when I was with my ex and writing down every thing he said! No one would believe me and Ihonestly thought I was going crazy. When he cheated on me, he denied it, or blamed me. When he became verbally intimidating to the point where I doubted his sanity he blamed me. When I left to spend a night in a refuge, he phoned me to say my dog had been killed, which was a lie, and then later denied saying it. I left when he completely dismissed the pain of our baby's stillbirth. I could go on and on. It was only when I got to know a couple of his ex partners and really sat down with his mother to talk one day that I realised that it was not me.

I found it difficult to leave, but I'm glad I did. Maybe you could plan an exit, if that's what you've decided to do? If you can enlist the help of women's aid groups and ask them about a plan of exit, they may be able to advise. You have to preserve your own sanity and wellbeing as it isn't likely that this situation will get any better. In some ways the disordered person has to reach rock bottom in pretty much the same way as an alcoholic or drug addict before they admit to needing help, and they also have to take on board responsibility for their own actions. If they are unable or unwilling to do this, then it is likely the pattern will go on and on.

I'm sorry that you believe the board cannot help you. I believe it can. If you take a good look around at the posts on the Relationship Forum and the abuse forums, in particular Domestic Abuse, you will see many people who have been supported and given support. Perhaps the HPD forum isn't the best place, as this is where recovering HPDs post, but there are plenty of other forums on here. Psychforums is very unbiased in its approach. We as moderators are all volunteers who have been chosen because we have demonstrated supportiveness and empathy for the people who post on here, and we often go the extra mile to help, often working into the early hours at the expense of our own time. We are here because we genuinely care and love doing this job.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you well. I have moved your thread to Verbal Abuse, whilst also leaving a shadow thread here, so you can get input and support from both forums.

This site welcomes people with personality disorders and those who have been affected by them. Both are supported, just sometimes in different forums as the PD forums are primarily for those affected by PD themselves. I hope you get the help you are asking for here.

Cracked

lol I find myself blushing with chagrin at my own "duh" moment... totally missing the "mom" part of your username.... Shrink4men IS obviously geared towards men.. but it's host is a female psychologist who specializes in personality disorders, and is well educated and informed.

A big part of the unwelcome feeling is illustrated by the fact that I disagree with and can counter many of Masquerade's points but am reluctant to do so because she is a moderator, diagnosed with HPD, and participates heavily as a peer in the HPD forum.... And is seems sincere in concern for others. The position is what I imagine a black man in the American south would feel at trying to voice a well founded objection to a white policeman for why he's being pulled over. I and the hypothetical black man would NOT be listened to, and would likely be marked as a "troublemaker"

Another is the disparity between what's said and what's done regarding the HPD forum. The pink disclaimer quotes unique predilections about the disorder and those who suffer from it.. Then states that those who are here because of our relationship with an HPD need to go to the generic "relationship" forum.. That's a direct contradiction.. and very disrespectful. That's BECAUSE the relationship dynamic is so unique with a Histrionic. We come here to understand because nobody else in our lives gets why we're having so much heartache and pain.. And are often alienated from our loved ones, and are rebuffed as being the ones with a "relationship" problem. . Most of the people in the relationship forum will give VERY BAD advice because they don't understand the unique predilections of the disorder.

Another... There is an obvious and overwhelming demographic here to populate a "Non" subforum.. and if you read back far enough, you'll see more than one request for one.. along with just as many refusals to do so. I've noted one where an I.T. professional (a non) commented that creating a subforum is a simple process and wouldn't tax the site's webmaster.

This is all HOW nons aren't welcome here.. Why stems from the disorder. It's been established that HPD's have common defensive mechanisms. They are to suppress, and deny anything they find unacceptable, and mitigate their own behavior whenever all else fails. One researcher noted that HPD's often act from a subconscious agenda to disrespect the people they abuse. ALL of this is unacceptable to a need to generate an external source of validation.. Nons understand HPD's from experience... From what I've seen, that's the most unacceptable thing of all.

Thoughts noted

Cracked